Of course the fight last night wasn’t over. Far from it. Turns out, he wasn’t willingly scraping the bike. Not till he gouged out $500 from me. But fine, it’s my fault I’m out-earning him, of course I deserve it.
We had round two and this would’ve been my defining moment. All throughout the morning, I fantasized again and again about leaving him. I almost had a chance. I could’ve walked away.
But of course, I didn’t.
Grow a pair, Nicole.
I told him I've decided I won’t be here while he comes back from his long sail.
And he accepted it.
I told him I’ll stay if he only asked me to.
And he asked.
But I realized I couldn’t do it.
I said I’m sorry.
And he turned the tables around and said I should leave and that it’s over for us.
Using a breakup as his weapon of choice again.
I pleaded with him to stay.
He refused.
He let me rot away in my abyss of misery until he deemed I suffered enough. Then he offered to stay. And then he sent me off to class in a taxi.
This hatred is venomous and real.
I have begun to hate my lover.
Class was a great distraction.
I was all sorts of broken inside. But as it is with me, all pain and brokenness will eventually merge into rage. And so in a controlled rage, I went through class over exerting myself on everything and punishing my body.
Which worked out because in the end, I got into all the poses that everyone else couldn't get into. You guys should also get a lover who you abhor and run on hatred for fuel afterward. I promise, you'll find things you never knew you could do.
Like the self-hating, worthlessly weak girl I am, I headed to his place after class. I avoided dinner with his parents and wanted to head into his place early, but I forgot my keys. And so I practiced my yoga outside his place.
One day I'll Misty Copeland the fuck out of my legs.
No worries, I have the patience. I have the patience of a conqueror. I'll hold.
They eventually came home and I looked at Gabriel, acutely aware of the new element of hatred in our relationship. He pretended everything was fine and lovingly helped me stretch out my body. For a while, we played around and he helped me with my inversions and everything.
Then we watched The Cabin in the Woods together and fell asleep.
He woke up first.
I was half-asleep, but I could feel him hugging me. Usually, he would give me a peck and leave. But today, he laid on me for a good 20 minutes, lovingly caressing me and patting me back to sleep whenever I stirred.
I almost thought it was love.
Thank God I woke up.
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