A year from now

My siblings laughed themselves stupid at how little I can stretch lol.

I have very tight hamstrings and an even tighter back. My hamstrings have gotten better over the months of yoga. I still can't straighten my legs when I lie down (actually by now, this is alarming, I should get it checked) but it is manageable.

My back, however, has seen absolutely no improvement.

I have no idea why my bank remains so stubbornly unstretched till now. Backbend classes are the worst for me. The two times I almost blacked out in class was both backbend's doings. More than anything else, I want back flexibility.

I have reached a standstill for handstands and forearm stands simply because my back cannot take the excruciating pain both poses bring for me. I Google religiously on how to fix it but whenever I try to get into the poses, the pain is so God-awful, I can't hold it.

But still, this is my challenge to myself.

If a year ago, you told me I would one day be able to do tripod headstands and headstands, I would've told you to go stuff it. And so, I shall post my 'before' photos without shame. Unless I never do get an 'after' improvement, in which case I shall delete this post in time lol.

Anyway, my snapchat is beginning to solely consist of my siblings' nonsense and general assy shows of my aerial practice, which led a friend to tease that I'm always parading myself in itty bitty clothings on my social media. It didn't rile me up, but I did explain in every show of my fitness progress, I'm always attempting to do something not the common girl can do.

There are plenty of girls out there in shorter shorts and tinier tops. Do my photos constitute solely for sexy only? Because for the selected few, they're a show of strength. Yes I wear itty bitty clothes for pole/ aerial, but do you know my poses require actual strength and practice?

I can justify my whorish outfits and my body parading. My admittedly showy documentation consist of me doing intermediate-level poses that I spent time training for. At the core, I do like to parade my body, but that's because I bloody worked for it.

I will not be compared to your common, talentless attention whore with their bland, tasteless bikini shots.

I am above them.

And no, this isn't arrogant. It is a challenge of dedication. 

Because your neighborhood talentless attention whore can't do what I can do.

Can she go through four months of intensive yoga/ strength training, back to back days of waking up sore, endless months of falling sleep exhausted, skipping out on her beloved's lovemaking to preserve strength for class, forgoing her vanity to punish her body inside out, go through rounds of self-loathing as she drags herself to higher-level classes with higher-level girls, start crash diets that wreck with her mind, and in the end, rise above all that to be who she is right now?

No, I didn't think so.

I used to be very jealous when I see prettier girls with an abundance of adoring fans. I'd think to myself how pretentious their captions are, how staged their photos are, how blind their followers are. But now, I am no longer envious.

Because at the end of the day, I chase physical perfection and limitation breaking.

And I will not tolerate a life half-lived in any other way.

My new icon is Jen Selter, for her ceaseless dedication to her body. My new icon is Cyn Currie, for her relentless pursuit of a well-lived adventuring life. My new icon is P!nk, for her fantastic marrying of strength with attitude. My new icon is Nicole Scherzinger, for her powerful body that misses no step. My new icon is Brooke Saward, for creating her dream job as opposed to seeking it.

You can keep your talentless core masqueraded beneath your perfect body. You can keep your pervy followers and fans who want nothing more than to get in your pants. You can keep your smugness on how you think you've reached the Nirvana of physical perfection. You can keep your easy full-time jobs that brings you nowhere near a fulfilling career.

In case its unclear, this applies to every single events model who while their lives away with branded bags and tasteless clothes. This applies to every single YouTube star stacked with a fluff personality and nothing else. This applies to every 'wanderluster' who limits themselves to Taiwan at best. This applies to every working woman who never knew what to do besides part-time nonsense or full-time filler jobs. This applies to every woman who never had anything else to show for, besides her body and looks.

This applied to me, prior to November 2015.

But not today, and never again.

I will continue to strive for a body that women would kill men for. I will continue to strive for strength enough to impress a weightlifter. I will continue to strive for flexibility, even if it truly handicaps me in the end. I will continue to devour the bigger world beyond the South East Asia borders. I will continue chasing all my aerial dreams and journalistic empires.

I will continue to be more.