Sunday, August 16, 2015

The truth is

I am more afraid to lose you than you'll ever know.

It isn't because I'm worried I can't find another man, and it isn't because I'm worried I can't love again. I can't pretend that my dating history and habits before you wouldn't resurface when you're gone. Of course it will.

But there is a new factor.







I know I've never felt this way, ever.

I have never curled up in bed with a man and wished with all my heart that he would stay forever. I have never bugged a man to repeat the words, "will you marry me?" again and again till I drift into sleep. I have never wanted so badly to have kids with your smile and my eyes. I have never wanted to grow old with anyone.

You broke through every single hurdle my exes stumbled at. Where they had to work their ass off to stay afloat of whatever new opportunities I was already eyeing, you cruised through the marathon of my heart. And even now, I don't ever see you losing the race for me.

You worry about your paunch all the time and try to use everything as a shield - be it me, your duffel bag or a demin shirt. But I don't understand it, because every day you are sexier and handsomer to me than the day before.

Last week you asked a simple question.

We were talking about a couple, where the girl was obviously hotter than the guy. I said since she's hotter, he obviously should try harder to secure her. And you, busy with your game, playfully asked, "So am I the settler or the reacher?"

And I ignored you.

You know how to make me feel beautiful. On the days I dress up, you would occasionally look at me and lean in and tell me about how you think everyone else must be looking at us and wondering how a guy like you managed to score a girl like me. On other days when I dress down, you hold me tighter and assure me I am adorable the way I am.

And so by your words, I should be the settler, and you the reacher.

But I don't think that is the case, at all.

There are many beautiful women out there, there are many adorable women out there, and there are definitely taller women out there. Everything I physically have, you can find in spades outside. But not you, not at all.

There are not many men in the world who can activate the feelings you activate in me. In fact I would say there is no man who can do what you do to me. They tried, of course they did, but none of them even came close to you.

Which is why to me, I'll always be the reacher.

Like a drowning man, I reached above the waters in desperation, finding my redemption. You are the picture of oxygen I've dreamed of for so long, only materialized and more perfect than you've been in my imagination.

Can you settle forever for me?

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