I believed with all my heart that sadness is beautiful and poetry is tragedy. I believed there isn't a point in living unless I am relishing the extremes of each emotion I possess, which is usually just madness and sadness.
But today, with searing clarity, I realized that isn't true.
I was telling Candice that unemployment is driving me insane. She nonchalantly replied, "yeah it sucks haha" and now, reading while on my way to a job interview, I feel hopeful. I reply, "aiya I'm hopeful!" and I am. I am!
There is a scene in Rise of the Guardians where the Easter Bunny was explaining why he represents Hope and how important Hope is. I thought it was cheesy. I almost shot myself dying from the cheese. But now, that seemed more important than ever.
My boyfriend believes in me. He believes in me to a fault. His faith in me empowers me.
My mum believes in me, even though when I explained the job interview saying its for a "social.." position, she screamed WHAT SOCIAL?! before calming down when I added media. Social, social media mum.
My dad, neh, who knows what's on his mind anyway.
My sim friends believe in me. They always thought I'd amount to something, since I spent the majority of my sim days part working everything I get and part half-assed studying. Which in hindsight wasn't the cleverest thing.
What more faith do I need?
I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders, and what for?
Everything I need, I have.
The only thing I need is to hope. To not kick myself in the face when life is already fighting for that honor with me. The only thing I need to do is blindly hope and stupidly believe. That is all.
The most important decision I can ever make is to be in a good mood.
And the rest will follow.
I am sick of being sad. I am sick of being afraid. I am sick of being tired. I used to put myself out there and try, fail, try again and fail again. What was all that for, if not to help me learn something new each time?!
Wake up Nicole.
Be the woman that 6 year old Nicole knows you can be.
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Holy fucking shit.
Talk about coincidence. I nailed the only interview that I'll ever need. And his exact words were, "Business isn't about spending blindly. But hiring is quite a blinded process. I'm offering you the job now. Let me know."
I don't want to go on about it till I am sure I can handle it, but it is a mighty exciting opportunity. It is a far cry from my writing days, and a further cry from my YouTube days, but a reach back to where my roots were.
Moving on, met the girls in the happiest mood!
And off to the baby!
Did a bit of singing and tried to bug him to buy me cake because my cravings are out of control but he declined and we headed back to his place, where I got upset and he hugged me better and tried to lift me back to bed.
He struggled and when he finally succeeded in plopping me onto the bed, he went, "You have been eating too much cake," and I retorted with, "You have been eating too much everything," and I was still mad but his laughter made everything melt away and I felt lucky to be his again.
And then we had a long talk about my future and new prospects.
I think as long as he is in my future, I will get by okay.
I will get okay.
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