My Christmas wonderman

I know what it's like to be tortured by the past.

I know, and I know it well.

I know how it feels to ache for a past even though you have a present. I know how it feels to ring yourself through reminders of an ex-lover, day in day out. I know how it feels to shut your eyes for a bit and have the ghosts of your past come ravaging into your head. I know how it feels to carry regret. I know how it feels to breathe guilt.

And I learnt that all from one man.

And his payment for teaching me all that was the green card to my mind everyday for the past three years.

Every single day, even though I was attached to different men at different points, he would enter my mind and poison it with guilt and regret and shame and God, those were some of the darkest years of my life.

I said I know guilt, I know regret, I know ache because while I was dating this one, I was pining over the one before him. And my pining was all consuming. It destroyed him. And hence the guilt. Always the guilt.

But in a nutshell: I know what's it's like to pine, to ache and to miss. It's the poison that has plagued me since I met the wrong man at 17 and has followed me for the next 5 years.

Which is why I expected this venom to set itself free in the veins of my relationship with Gabriel. After all, our relationship was by chance and it was a struggle from the beginning till now, what with the problems with his cunt of an ex and his still un-accepting relatives.

So I waited.

The first two months I thought about the men I could have owned if I didn't choose Gabriel. The life I could have had, one without cunts and stubborn relatives. But still, I didn't think of my ex lover. I didn't think, "God, I wish I was still with Hweechen," instead, it was, "God I wish that fucking slut never existed. And the fat fuck relative who still approves of her and disapproves of me."

The third and forth month rolled by. My hatred for the aforementioned two didn't ebb. I still saw me and Gabriel's relationship as doomed, thanks to those two factors. But then, I couldn't give up. I didn't want to. The thoughts of my ex came in less and less. I wanted to try to work it out with Gabriel. And I tried.

The fifth and sixth month came in a flash. Suddenly, it dawned onto me how long this relationship could last if I continued my efforts. It was rocky. God it was rocky. But we made it through. And not once did I think of retreating into my past. I wanted my present. I wanted it so bad I didn't have time to sink into my past.

The seventh, eighth and ninth month were some of the brightest days of my life. We've settled beautifully into our relationship and despite the occasional downs, I was truly happy. By this time, weeks could go by before the thought of my ex flits across my mind. And even then, it's not an ache. It's a prod. And then it goes away.

We're into our tenth month now.

Before our trip, this ex lover in question whatsapped me. He hasn't spoken to me since our badly-ended single encounter in 2013. That night tore me apart. And I wasn't eager to repeat it.

But it was him.

It was the same face, the one that brought me to my very first date when I was 13. It was the same face, the one that bought me out to pool when I was 16. It was the same face, the one who swept into my life when I was 18 and saved me forever from the misery the one before him left me in. It was the same face, the defeated one who walked out my door when I was 20, when he realized I will never change.

Almost a decade of history.

Every turn of my life, he was right there, creating a landmark moment.

When he whatsapped me, I felt my blood turn to ice. Reading it settled me. He was an insurance agent now and he was just looking for new clients, or platforms to hone his presentation skills in. He asked if I'd like to meet him.

And against everything I wondered about since I was 13, since I was 16, since I was 18 and every single day since I was 20, I deleted that text.

I couldn't go through with it.

Not after my Bangkok trip with Gabriel. Not after the way our first night happened. Not after me seeing him break down over me and what he did. Not after me realizing at that moment that through the searing pain, I still want to make him happy forever.

And at that point I knew,

I wasn't just free until further notice, I was free, forever.

I convinced myself I was free before. But that was when he wasn't speaking to me anyway. And it's easy, it's easy to pretend you have the strength when you don't have the temptation. But now, the temptation has knocked on my door and still, still, still, I said no.

I've let go.

I'm free.

I am finally fully Gabriel's, forever.