A full circle

I've been happy for the longest time with the greatest man I could ask for. It was so smooth sailing and wonderful. I dreaded it ending.

And it did.

With the hardest slap.

I never meant to be here.

I know myself. I know my temper is terrible and I know I am the best at pushing people's tolerance to their limits. And I've paid for that many times over.

I've been thrown off a flight of stairs, I've stabbed with scissors, I've been locked in and starved, I've been strangled, I've been through so much with the most abusive men in the world. I've sworn off them. I swore no one will ever hurt me again.

And I thought you were the promised goodness.

But with one action, everything collapsed.

That night, that voice wasn't mine. That shrill scream that escaped my throat and sliced our room's silence wasn't mine. That primal scream was the pain carried over from all the previous abuse. It was an old wound ripped raw. And it hurt the most because it was ripped by you.

None of them ever affected me like your action did.

See, with them I can scream, "YOU THINK YOU CAN HURT ME LIKE THAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT? I'LL FUCKING LEAVE YOU, I'LL FUCKING DO IT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT."

But with you I can't.

With you, you're still the one trying to leave me to stop your guilt over what you did. With you, you're still the one wrecked and packing just so you don't have to look at me and remember your shame.

With you, my pain has to come second because I can't scream I'll leave you. Because I can't handle that. I can't. I can't. I need you more than you need me. That's why I can forgive what you did. Because the alternative is to leave you and God I can't.

What do I do?