It was one of the most difficult days of my life. To watch what I love fall apart in three hours. But I'm not ready to talk about it. I spent the day tightly in control. I tried to not break into pieces. But I guess by then, I was already dead inside.
I held onto myself and went for pole with Syahirah, even though I truly was in Hell's mood. By then the rage has faded into a relentless despair. I almost let it take control of me, but pole saved me.
We were late for the session and hence only had thirty minutes. But for thirty glorious minutes, I gave Syahirah a run down on the pole basics and attempted a legs-free move and a blotched side spin. For thirty minutes, the world couldn't touch me.
But then the session came to an end. And we went for dinner at Clementi. Syahirah knew I was feeling down and out. And she lightened me up with her many pole faces and I shared baby photos of our old schoolmates. Terrifying that some of them already has life so laid before them.
I went home and spoke to my family. My baby brother, my sister, my mum and my grandma. I felt terrible, every bit of me. And they knew. But no one could have seen this coming, least of all me.
Baby's dinner finally concluded and I flew to him. I fell into his arms and started to sob. He quietly stroked my head and convinced me again and again that I'll rise again. But I couldn't believe that. Not right now.
He spent hours trying to comfort me. And I was so touched. He breathed me in and told me how strong I was for not crying till I reached his arms. And he told me I'll never need to be strong around him, that I can weep, I can fall, because he will be there through it all.
He said he intended to go to church this Sunday. He said he wanted to pray for me. And I said no, I don't need it as much, pray for my manager. But he shook his head. And said I was the only thing that mattered most.
And I loved him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
Our love tonight was giving and slow. He knew I was vulnerable and he didn't let me do a thing. He was skilful, loving and comforting. I couldn't have asked for a better lover. His release was as much his as mine. My world was finally okay again.
Earlier that night, I made him promise that he'll make sure I slept before him, so that I won't cry myself to sleep. And he assured me he wouldn't. But heavy from the day's activities, I felt him slip away. And before he let go, he whispered, "go to sleep baby. You'll be okay."
And I fell into a dreamless slumber.
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