I have the most supportive parents in the world!
The X-pole came in the afternoon but I couldn't figure out how to fix it, so I left it alone and went to sleep.
When I woke up, my baby brother was tinkering with it, trying to help me piece the parts. So cute the little one, he's helped me move my room and now he's moving on to the pole! He is a mini papa heh heh. But in the end we both couldn't do it so I left it on the floor.
The minute my parents came home and saw it, the builder in them couldn't help it but rush to set it up. No judgement on why I bough a stripper pole and no further questions, just a lot of joint brainstorming on how to make the pole spin.
And they did it!
Within an hour and without any tutorial videos!
Once it was securely up, my dad immediately tried it by taking a spin, successfully! My mum tried too but failed heh heh. GODDAMMIT I HAVE THE MOST SUPPORTIVE FAMILY IN THE WORLD.
WHOOP WHOOP INVERT HERE I COME!
/
The hardest thing you have to do is to accept that not everybody will be happy for you.
In this month-long journey to weight loss (albeit by cheating with the pill) and crawling fitness, I have learnt that some people exist simply to discourage. They fear doing the things you want to do, and so they unburden that fear from their shoulders onto yours when you mention trying.
It is easy because for them, all they see is progress without effort. They see you fitting into tight jeans and flexing smoother than them and they shoot you down, saying things you know they don't normally say. You look good, and they're unhappy.
What they see, of course, is merely surface.
This is my timeline today after eating the pill:
9am: Pop pill and get ready to work (I work from home today)
9am - 10am: Nurse heart palpitations and the urge to throw up. Watch my palms in amazement as they sweat out of no-fucking-where into endless buckets. I revise the contemp steps I learnt yesterday and attempt more failed pull ups. I work up a quick sweat.
10am - 12pm: Work on sales report while I burn my macaroni by accident lol and hence decide that I'm not meant to eat carbs today and just end drinking my mushroom potage by itself.
When I'm dieting, everything is a sign in favor of not eating.
The haze come back, it's a sign I shouldn't go downstairs to buy food. The can cannot open, it's a sign I shouldn't drink unhealthy soup. The cereal running low, it's a sign that I should eat that solely and not cook the scrambled eggs I intended. The tea packet I opened burst into confetti, it's a sign I must drink more.
12pm - 2pm: I am done working and my pole came right on time!
2pm - 3pm: I set up the pole by myself in a non-ventilated room. I sweat and feel giddy because I haven't eaten enough to exert enough strength to keep adjusting the thrice-my-height pole and hence give up. I go back to work.
My brother comes home and tries to help me set up the pole. We try again for a while till my hunger pangs come and, weakened heavily by it, I go off to take an icy shower to freshen up without food. He goes off to eat. I look at his big plate of food and walk away from it.
3pm - 5pm: I am done with my excel reports and am now on my third kettle (not pot, kettle) of green tea because I feel God-awful but I'm trying to not eat two pills a day so this kettle has to double-up as my diet suppressant.
My stomach tries to tell my brain it's hungry. I mentally confront it and scream, "YOU HUNGRY RIGHT? WANT TO EAT RIGHT? HERE'S SOME GREEN TEA!" and down another glass of leafy goodness.
5pm - 6.30pm: After being plagued by hour-long headaches and hunger spells the whole day, I finally decide to sleep my hunger away. An hour long nap later, I wake up and down another kettle of my now-chilly green tea. The headaches are gone but now the tough part comes.
6.30pm - the rest the night: My family comes home and with them, the damning aroma of everything they've decided to eat tonight.
My sister is enjoying a funny show as she drinks mushroom soup and eats chicken steak pasta.
My brother is enjoying hor fun and making loud, slurpy noises with every bite.
My dad is having noodles and my mum isn't home yet, which means later on, I'd have to fend off the dinner she bought for me (even after I politely said I'm not hungry) like an ungrateful brat, even though I know she means well.
I fear that I may give it to temptation and hence I take an ice cube and suck on it till my tongue goes numb. It still is now. But the numbness makes the smells of this house more tolerable. I can no longer be tempted. And I will spend the rest of the night not touching a morsel.
Do you know what's the point to all these?
The point is: I can take the torture.
I am not arrogant.
No.
I am merely reaping the deserving benefits of my tortured sowing.
I can go for hours without eating. I can go for a hot yoga session on an empty stomach. I can go for a contemp class minutes after taking a vomit-inducing pill. I can go for pole dance despite having downed six bottles of water in the short hour before it started.
I can resist any food placed in front of me. I can micro-manage my calories without trouble. I can do everything I am demanded to do without giving in to my hunger pangs and lack of strength. I can keep up a positive mindset despite feeling my body curling in turmoil inside.
I can.
I can.
I can.
And hence I deserve.
I deserve my leaning-up legs. I deserve my evident-as-fuck ribcage. I deserve my concave stomach. I deserve my diamond-cutting hip bones. I deserve my fruit-slicing collarbones. I deserve my tightening jawline skin. I deserve my toning arms.
I deserve.
I deserve.
I deserve.
Your friends will always be your first obstacle.
Talk about losing weight and they will mention the times you failed, they will laugh off your feeble attempt, they will say you aren't that fat anyway. Talk about picking up a new sport and they will tell you no, they will tell you you can't do it, they will tell you they're not interested.
Ignore them.
Do it.
Do it anyway.
Other friends will surprise you. It happened to me.
No one wanted to join me for pole. So I decided to fuck it and go anyway. And only after seeing it on my Instagram, did my friends trickle to me asking curious questions about pole dancing. And honestly, they weren't the friends I asked to join with me because I never saw them doing it.
And it makes me so utterly happy when they show interest because I feel as if I motivated them to try. I made a foray into it and they witnessed it and now, they'd like to try to.
I've never told Syahirah how proud I am of her that she joined me for pole practice two days in a row despite being an absolute beginner stuck with an equally beginner teacher (me) and tweeting about how she's inspired to exercise more after our session. I'm so proud and glad for her. I am.
The steps to a better life starts when the company you keep motivates you.
If there's no one motivating you right now, then be the motivator, as I did.
I have a lot of quitters in my life. People who can't do it and try to enforce that on me. People who want to do things but don't for fear of doing it alone. People who can be more than what they think but choose to remain in their tiny comfort zone for fear of failing.
No.
When you fear failing, you are fearing succeeding too.
They are hand-in-hand. You can't fear one without fearing the other. And similarly, you can't defeat one without defeating the other. Defeat the fear of failing and you will defeat the fear of succeeding. That is simply the start and end of everything new you do.
Now you have to excuse me, I am gonna go punish my body with more green tea now.
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