Nothing tastes as good as

Skinny.



My weight loss have been staggering.

At the point of taking my pill, I was a stable 42.3 - 42.5kg. I couldn't break out of that range and I couldn't be bothered. I was eating four meals a day with plenty of snacks in between. My last meal was regularly 11pm.

My bottle have been with me for a long time. My ex-boyfriend was a bodybuilding enthusiast and he told me this pill was the strongest he's ever taken. It was $60 a bottle for a month's supply. I tried it for three days and the heart palpitations caused by it got so unbearable, I gave it up.

I decided to start on 21 September.

It was the day Gabriel went off on a second, back to back, week-long sail.

On that very day, I found posts from his past that pissed me off. It wasn't his fault but I couldn't help my rage. I exploded at him, knowing he couldn't stop whatever it was that was annoying me. But a fateful dinner with Candice changed my perspective on things.

Guilt-ridden by all the photos of me and my ex boyfriend that I sent to Gabriel, I lost the appetite to eat. This coincidence was very crucial. I took the pill thinking, "Aiya I'll give up halfway as usual," but then this incident kicked in.

Day 1 

Was the toughest. I tried immensely to keep under 1200 calories. I spent the day listless and irritable, but most importantly, ruined by my guilt over potentially upsetting Gabriel. I fell asleep early from the influx of negative emotions and the next thing I knew, it was day 2.

I clocked in 960 calories.

Day 2 

Was easier. The guilt at upsetting Gabriel was still eating at me and hence, I ate at nothing LOL. I spent the day milling about trying to keep busy and not be hungry. I subsisted on cups and cups of green tea even though the pill specifically warned against it. I honestly didn't know then.

I started to buy three things before work - an apple and two slices of watermelon. I cut out lunch and all snacks. Dinner was spent looking at Sofia Vergara and trying to be Sofia Vergara.

I clocked in 482 calories.

Day 3

Was the easiest to get by.

Gabriel called and I finally lifted half the trepidation off my shoulders. But I was still worried at his reaction when he knew what I did. He was so loving on the phone that I now faced a new kind of guilt; mistreating him with misleading photos. And so my appetite went to hell.

I clocked in 566 calories.

Day 4 

Was the start of my pole dance. I went for the class on a full stomach. I ended the class with a celebratory dinner. It was a public holiday. My parents bought breakfast lunch and dinner and I could not deny a single one.

I clocked in 868 calories

Day 5: 675 calories
Day 6: 928 calories
Day 7: 469 calories

And the diet flowed ceaselessly from there.

After a while, my calorie entries got inconsistent.

By then, I knew how much calories most of my daily meals contained and so I'd eat in proportion. I was seeing a daily decrease except for days when I ate late the night before, even if it was a minimal meal. And so I figured out the timing-vs-calorie-damage scale. By then, I could tell which meals would contribute to my weight backtrack the next day.

I didn't need the diary anymore. everything was now recorded in my head. I haven't missed a single under-1000-calorie diet day since September 22. And I intend to keep it that way.







The results were pretty quick, to be honest.

My collarbones 

Were the first to show. The fat around that area practically vanished. I always had to force out my collarbones for photos. But after a week of the pill, they came out on their own. I didn't know till I was tying my hair and upon grazing it, I realized how ultra sensitive they've become, with the skin thinned to clearness.

And I fucking loved it.

My stomach

Was next. My stomach has always been the pride of my body. It was pretty flat before, bulging only slightly when I overeat. But after the diet, it just couldn't bulge anymore. Even after I eat a full meal, it maintains its stoic flatness.

In fact, it decided to do me prouder and tone up. There are two faint lines outlining the left and right side of my stomach. It is prominent in sunlight and disappears at night. It could be a figment of my imagination. It could also be most of my ex-Zirca friends reversed LOL.

But the point is it was the start of something lined.





My hip/ pelvis bones

Were the next to show. Gabriel didn't have a taste for hip bones, but I do. I think it is the sexiest thing a man can grab onto as he pounds me from behind. It started to get prominent, so much so that when I sleep on my side, I feel it cutting into the bed and I'd get slightly discomforted. BUT IT WAS A TRIUMPHANT DISCOMFORT! I never got annoyed with it.

My thighs 

Were next. I always had big thighs and strong calves. Calves were because of heels, thighs were because of McDonald's. But Gabriel liked how ample they were; he would stroke them and tell me never to lose them. And I'd give a face and shake my head.

I didn't lose any weight there, but they toned up without much effort. It could be my pole though. Anyway, one side effect is the slight acne this pill causes. I'd have 2cm-wide acne breakouts on my thighs once every four days. But I didn't really give a shit. I still don't.

My arms 

Were the last. Gabriel once made a comment on them, saying my top didn't flatter my arms, and I took it very seriously. I minded my arms around him a lot after that, not that he noticed. My arms started to, very fucking slowly, tone up.

To be honest, for both my thighs and my arms, I cannot tell if it's my pole or my diet that's causing the new streamline. It either lost weight or it toned up. But either way, I loved it.

There is a point to this post.

It is FUCK YOUR FAD DIETS.

Stop making the gleeful, lazy fucks behind juice cleansers rich. Stop thinking yoga solves all your problems. Stop trying to make organic food your excuse to overeat. There is only one way to fast skinny and it is calorie deficit.

Nothing works like calorie deficit does. I knew about the calorie deficit theory a long time ago but I thought I'd never be able to stick to it because I worship food. But as it turned out, I was willing to worship headaches and fainting spells if it gets me skinny.

The magic about calorie deficit is that you can eat anything. Any fucking thing. I've eaten more varieties of food in these past three weeks than I have in the past year. But I am still at a fucking electrifying 39.5kg because I simply eat less of everything.

If your portion makes you think, "this is pathetic!" then you're doing it right. One of my dinner meals in the first week of my diet was three spoonfuls of hor fun. It smelt so good I couldn't fucking resist. I didn't need to. I just needed to eat like a mouse and stop.

Perhaps this is why I triumphed the greatest obstacle to sudden weight loss -- hair loss. I'm still getting all my more-or-less nutrients from my weird ass meals. It is in laughably small portions, but it works.

But moving on,

This pill gets dangerous past the point of two months. It causes slight organ deterioration if taken any further than 60 days.

At the start of this diet, I couldn't wait to end.

Now closing on my first month, I am terrified that I won't make my desired progress by the end of my second month, and that I might have wasted my once-a-year chance on efforts half-fucked. The foreseeable problem is I end eating it past two months and truly throw away my health for this pursuit.

But I don't care now because God, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

I owe all my new found confidence not to pole.

Not to my new clothes.

Not to my new fantastic job.

But to this pill.

I recognize my addiction.

But I'll be damned before I do anything about it.

One more month Nicole.

One more month of heart palpitations, involuntary mouth salivation, dizziness, headaches, sore legs, strained necks, sleeplessness, heightened gag reflexes, stomach aches, dry tongues, hunger pangs and ice cold fingers.

We can do it.