I JUST ERASED EVERYTHING I WROTE WHY LEH WHY.

BECAUSE MY FICKLE MINDED BRAIN DECIDED THOSE WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY BLOG BUT STRANGELY THIS ILL-TIMED RANT IS! DAMMIT BRAIN.

"Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?"

"Once you've had a taste of her you'll never be the same
Yeah, she'll make you go insane"

These two songs are made for each other.

I love the weird mix of the songs on my phone. My chinese songs teach me to be a gentle soft girl who's aka a pushover and my english songs want me to be wild and uninhibited and slap anyone I please.

Also I am replaying "I'll make a man out of you" and now I feel like climbing a tree.

Bye bye erdinger :(

My total sales must have exceeded 30 boxes, so that's over 150 bottles I've sold in just 8 hours. Also that means I am going to make at least 70 drinkers very happy and tipsy and very prone to bad decisions.

I am proud to be a part of an invented Oktoberfest and as the reigning Queen of Bad Decisions, it is also with great pride I say I am, in the weakest link, happily responsible for an increase in my reign's division.





This is random but I'm pretty sure my version of Moves like Jagger is wrong z.

Dinner with junwei who called dips on my last beer and proceeded to thank me with cheap milo and bad theories. Then a very short but happy nonsense library/ diary/ food adventure with hweechen :)

From this job, I have acquired the uncanny ability to spot a drinker and how to convince people that quote tipsy is a state you should be consistently in unquote. Also I have learnt that white beer is made from rice. Also that people buy from me because I look sad and like I will crumble and die if they don't. YES.

Added into my List of Things I Can Do To People skills.

Today I am an Erdinger beer girl heh heh heh.







Look at my cute little booth hahah.

It was a ugly mess at first then the manager came to throw his fat weight around and forced me to get it together. And I was raging pissed at first then IT LOOKED SO MUCH CUTER AFTER HE GEHGAO'ED SO YAY NO MORE ANGER!

I had whole day access to an inexhaustible beer supply and all I drank was a small shot of it and my face sort of cringed and cramped and I realized I hate alcohol and I swore I'll never try beer again.

Most of my customers kept telling to me drink because they were entertained convincing what seems to be an underage girl drink hahah. Apparently erdinger is good beer and it's a good start-off, BUT STILL NO.

Pretty sure one of the guys who bought a carton from me was just buying to support me. Since he's never had erdinger and his exact words were "okay la shall support you and buy one" hahah.

I should demand comission man.

Today was a mad rush for jobs everywhere.

Had to report to hazel's EVEN THOUGH she owes me money AND clothes AND my way overload bag. Despite all said owings, she demanded I buy 2 onions for her for fun. ATROCIOUS WOMAN.

But heh heh I learnt how to cook and prepare food and how a ukulele is supposed to sound like and helped her clean up because she abuses my OCD and it was fun eventually heh.

Then started interviewing at assorted places and now I feel SUPER ACCOMPLISHED. Life has a meaning now. To ace SIM's management course and to continue getting lazy high-paying jobs like my current few!

Dinner with yuanfeng and it's been long since I've seen the dude man. I may have over-sold hazel to him but it's cool, hopefully they do meet and it's love at first sight then I don't need to be hazel's boyfriend anymore WOO.

I am excited about my daytime life finally.



Can someone please tell me where I can submit this adorable photo to Nickelodean so that (I am mid sentence and casually looking up to the tv screen. Now I see it heh heh) NEVERMIND THANKS!

Hope he wins yay!

MY MUM IS AN ANGEL.



This makes me happier than anything in the world.

Today is my sidney sheldon day. I forgot how it went but it should be me obsessed with my book and reading it then stopping then reading because I want to relish and extend the time I get with it.

I think I can stop clubbing for any number of months as long as my mum keeps bribing my social nightlife with sidney sheldon. A book for every month whose nights I stay home. ON LA I'LL NEGOTIATE TOMORROW.

My probation looks a lot more tolerable now WOOHOO.

I like my sheer pinstripe shirt matching with my ocean blue nails & black havaianas going in perfect harmony with my black toenails. Consistency by surprise, and look at the pretty outcome!





Today was a laze at home day, but now known as "The Day Nicole Had An Epiphany".

I am going to lose 5kg, I am going to apply to SIM. I am going to get random jobs. I am going to extend my social circle. I am going to go revive my old friends. I am going to bond with my family. I am going to save the world. And of all, I am going to start painting again.

Goodbye favourite watch.







I searched for your twitter.

I found everything I was supposed to find. The misery, the happy, the indifferent. I wonder once in a while if your misery is ever over me. But I hope not. I do so desperately want you happy.

So it's a new day, hopefully today will be the day I properly sit down and think of SEED or SIM for my future. I'm pretty sure I love kids and I want to do a course related to them but I'm hungry for a much bigger future, something that only business can provide me I guess.

I need to find a way to rid myself of all these pre-bed guilt I feel. It's not making anything better and I feel nothing again in the morning but this vicious guilt-immunity-guilt cycle is really fucking with me.

I remember what you wore on the first day 
You came into my life and I thought 
"Hey, you know, this could be something"

It was.

I think I like my probation officer.

But that besides, it was a fairly uneventful day of my parents forcing me into iphone 5. I don't mean to sound like an unappreciative buttwipe but I love my current phone. It has stuck through me for a 1 year now.

Happy anniversary baby. Sorry for all the times mummy dropped you when she got drunk. Which is quite regular so I am now extra apologetic for my clumsiness. Mummy will go drop herself later to atone for it.

For all my readers:

You are cordially invited to the grand demise of my nightlife starting from now to an indefinite time as the singapore goverment just wants to keep me at home watching my plants grow. Please bring something safe I can do after 10pm as a sympathy gift yeah?

To my nightlife, I toast you. My condolences to me.

Great world city is magical with good company.



Date night with siewsia ♥

Because she is my part-time mother, she spent most of dinner worrying over my future for me while I appreciated our good kungfu paradise food and she just pouted when I didn't seem to care hahah too cute.

It would be terribly unwise of me to wish ill upon myself, but it's been so long since I've felt anything.. well anything in general. Life spent clubbing is really bad. I thought the alcohol only goes into the bloodstream but it doesn't just, it seeps through into the soul too.

Then again, the immune are free to do as they please.

Days with you are too few and inbetween.

Sister and I went for dress down breakfast!

Sidenote, this red dress is my current favorite. So if I ever wear it to meet you, I must really want to impress you. Or maybe I just want to look like a walking christmas sock in view of the festive season ahead heh.

Today was an uneventful day by choice and I'm really sorry to say but I'm glad I didn't go against what I wanted and go out to somewhere I really truly didn't want to be at. Even if it disappointed you. I believe in mutual respect, hope you do too soon yeah.

Anyway last photo is my new a&f shirt and my new mini boxers heh. I LOVE MY MINI BOXERS. I have one with tiny elephants and I cannot stress how much I love it. Makes me feel young!










I think relationships are very standard.

What makes you happy will eventually depress you one way or another. All you have to decide is simple - is the aftermath depression worth the momentary happiness? Because to me, it is. That and more, I'll survive it all for the happiness I know I don't deserve but I wish so desperately I can have.

I need my heart to talk to me. I don't understand.

Excerpt from rica's blog:

 It's funny how our lives can change within seconds. When your phone vibrates and your heart stops. Taking a quick look at the message preview, and your heart just sinks. The message that signifies the end of everything, the end of what you may call being "genuinely happy". Within seconds, you realize that you're never seeing that person again. You'll never hear him say his usual phrases again. That was the very last time he hugged you, kissed you, sent you the last goodnight text. Within seconds, everything has to be left behind. The way they cuddled in bed watching scary videos, the way she loved staring into his eyes, the way she watched him hug his favourite pillow to sleep. All that can NEVER happen anymore.

 I teared reading this.

A breakup is a last minute cruise wrap up. You are having the time of your life in this beautiful place. You're with the most perfect person in the world. You've spent so much time here. Everything you love, everything you are is here.

But suddenly an immovable iceberg comes to sight, and you're forced to go. You have no time. You have to leave everything. Your ship is collapsing, you can't stay anymore. Everything you love is going to go down, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You hitch a lifeboat and save yourself and watch your life slowly sink before you. There's nothing left. Only your memories. Memories that'll make you smile before ripping that temporary comfort from you, throwing you back again into irreversible despair.

I wish I never left my cruise.

Oh well so anyway, tonight was zirca:







Went with kiantat, tristal, nic and a whole bunch of people whose names I've entirely forgotten. So basically just spent it very tipsy at first then very sober after. This random club dude wrote "hey I just met you" and everything onto a little phone for me hahaha. Would've been a not too bad a night, except that I saw you.

I wish coincidence could skip us.

Well anyway, since my mood got ruined, decided to leave early with kiantat and it was a good, simple nr3 bus trip home. Took 1 hour longer than usual but at least our wallets thanked us profusely.

Couldn't sleep so stayed up drawing and coloring and all sorts of things the dismissed does. I only wish I had poly so I can justify whiling my time away on my canvas during holidays. I probably should work soon.

Slept badly.

Today was IMM with kaiqin and qiuling!

Was outside at first then got super lazy so they came over to chill! I think my house is a condusive environment to do nothing. I have a cable tv multiple music instruments and a stereo. How to be productive.

Decided against kbox and instead met shaun for supper. Kbox had this $8 promotion as usual so I went for it and heavily regretted. All my sad chinese songs are having their impact on me again.

Well let's not go on.

I woke up to a good nose.

I had nothing to do and girls being girls, I decided to go try on the clothes I've been neglecting and there was a camera so what am I supposed to do right. Pretty happy with this outcome heh heh.

Afternoon was a dinner date with kaiqin and the church girls before going over to hazel's to pick her up and chaperon her to mink. I think I'm boyfriend-zoned to hazel oh my god. Such is life.

Tonight was mink x rebel x zirca with hazel and sherlyn!
I'm too lazy to blog about it so here's the excerpt from sherlyn:

"Ok, so we lounged around at Mink with Nicole's friend, Benjamin, for barely an hour before we catch our pumpkin carriage over to Zirca/Rebel. I hate how the management chose to cut them off from each other. THEY WERE SOUL MATES, WHY DID YOU DO THAT YOU GREEDY BASTARDS??! :'( Nicole was all tipsy from merely 2 cups of alcohol and broke her glass slippers so we had to string it back together with a make-do rubber band. I hope it didn't cause any blood catastrophe. 

The night was pretty much as mediocre as the music and I didn't give a damn if I couldn't hitch a guy that night, 'cause my mind's full of that one soul and all others were insignificant. Wouldn't say the same for the girls though, they were having a good time and I'm contended with just that."

Heh heh.

On my side, both me and hazel had our minds full of that one soul too since she kept repeating it! Hahaha. Was a good night, had drinks bought all round for me by strangers and met reiko and rica, PLEASANT SURPRISE!

Also met new friends and it was an all round good night I guess. Spent a lot of time trying to comfort and convince hazel she's still beautiful. Even though looking at the pictures above anyone would be hard-pressed to say she needs it. Beautiful things both of them. While I look like a drunk toad hahah.

MY HEELS ARE SPOILT. SIGH.

Movie with siewsia!

Someone somewhere hates me because today was the one day I lost all sense of taste and smell and which is the one day that choa chu kang graces a pasar malam? TODAY. And which day did I choose to be bored of my mind and with my best friend who wanted to walk walk? TODAY.

I tried to buy something and I prayed to all my gods for my functioning taste-buds but nope, came up empty. So subsequently and even till right now, I feel the urge to munch but there's nothing with taste.

She came over to my place in a bit and we watched freaky friday, got very lazy, then shopped for a&f, then I did her nails and she saw horrific perfectionist me, and I sent her mid-way home.

Can't wait to see the girls again tomorrow night.

I think I can cry describing how damned much I love hazel and syahirah.

Hazel's place and spent the time talking about clubs and boys and men and anime (I opted out of this one) and clothes and my future and their future and all sorts of things 7 year friends talk about.

I think I want my future room like hazel's. A japanese patio layout, a small walk-in closet, a stereo within reach. But I'd add a small bookcase with all my favorite reads and have posters/ notes everywhere.

But that's besides the point, I love the girls :)

Today was zirca with rica and reiko.

Zirca was fucking bad tonight but I'm glad I was there for reiko's situation and well, spent a good part of zirca just being super upset. I have thanks to give eddie and edward for coming down to comfort me.

Cabbed with eddie after to tengyi's and spent the better half of my dusk watching aaron get comically drunk and tengyi get nonscencial and minghao/ choonyong being quiet. Arielle was just very sleepy. It was definitely a very weird scene to walk into hahaha.

Two of them left in a bit after cleaning up after aaron and we finally all caught some shuteye. Was definitely weird waking up to the 3 of them looking at me refuse to get out of bed hahaha. Breakfasted with them and left for home.

I shall wait patiently for drunk aaron's time-telling photo.

Lunch with shaun and I really gotta thank clubs for pulling my world closer. Never knew we had that many friends in common. Saw kaiqin and it was a quick catch up but god I miss my poly girls. At least I was going to see my poly guyfriends in the night.

So for tonight, zouk with my friends!





Was with benjamin, jevis, kris, jessie, swee, tony, junkang, songyan, dennis, jaichyi, kristina, and her 3 friends. I made them all toast to my dismissal from ngee ann poly hahah. Needless to say I got drunk quickly after.

I forgot how I managed to walk to zouk, but I know I had kristina holding me all the way thank god. I must've been pretty loud? I don't know man. My memory is hazed and I really can't remember anything after shouting at dennis when he called kristina and me fat.

Saw the girls at zouk's entrance and finally went in. At this point I truly lose all valid memory. I remember dancing happily at first then seeing a lot of people I was trying to avoid and then I got lost all alone in phuture and was desperately looking for the swee/jk/tony trio when I saw J.

The club was closing and it was the last few songs. I hought nothing much of our surprise meeting and walked away, but he asked for a dance. It was gangnum style and really fun and nonsensical and I breathed him in again after a truly long while. It was familiar but I guess that was that.

Wanted to head to zouk but it was closed too, so headed outside for the rest to smoke. Was really fucking pissed at first but I cooled off. Made sure sherlyn was home safe before I headed back with the westsiders.

I love my friends and I thank all of them for being there with me in the news of my dismissal. I wish I could say the alcohol worked and I truly had a path cut out now, but seeing J truly threw me off my rocker and I am confused more than ever but it's okay, all will blow over soon.

Till the next time.

I am a very happy and content girl :)



But anyway, laoban has severely disappointed me and I'm pretty sure I won't give a fuck about it's grand clementi opening. Will probably do end up going because my friends are taohuey fanatics and I would go anywhere and eat anything disapppointing for them.

I realize I had varying stages of drunk. It's very interesting to me. I don't realize I have all that in me till it unlocks on the night itself. Let me give you (and future sober nicole) a run-down of them.

Stage 1: Happy, loud drunk
Achievement unlocked @: most clubs!

I am regularly in this state, probably under the influence of 2 mixed tequila or 1 tequila shot and other assorted weak drinks. This is my almost-happiest stage. I probably lose a little balance and can't walk without help.

Stage 2: Loud, vigorous drunk
Achievement unlocked @: avalon & rebel!

I enjoy this state the best. The alcohol intake here would probably be 3 or more tequila mixed and shots of whatever my friends are having. This is my happiest stage. I have no fucking balance at all but I can dance without feeling any social shame. I probably shout lyrics and do weird hand signs at this point.

Stage 3: Bored drunk
Achievement unlocked @: mink

This comes when I've had enough drinks but people keep offering and because I'm that bored, I'll take it. This should be the part where I just tell myself I hate all clubs and fuck alcohol but I'll forget that notion when I enter the next stage of drunk.

Stage 4: Sad drunk
Achievement unlocked @: helipad

I have had too many drinks, but people will pour from their bottles and I will enter sad drunk. And at this point, I will reminisce about the greatest failures of my life and I'll just dance along just so the person with me will be having a good time.

Stage 5: Weeping, uncontrollable drunk
Achievement unlocked @ zouk

I've definitely gotten drunk too early in the night and I'm going to pay for it. Most probably drinks kept coming and I can walk everywhere by myself, mainly to the toilet to try to throw up or just cry and be fucking miserable out of my fucking mind. I hate this state. This is me in full-fledged depressed mode, and most of the time I don't even know why I'm upset.

Stage 6: Violent drunk
Achievement unlocked @ rebel

This stage is most probably the worst I can get into. I most likely have seen a lot of friends that night and it must have made me very happy. I'm always manically happy before I fall. And then I'll see dudes grinding my girl or me. The polite nicole is me dies and I publicly embarrass any "friends" trying to hold onto me and my girl by violently shaking them off and pulling my girl (hazel or be usually) away and shove anyone who gets in my fucking exit from the offenders. At this point, I probably need a drink to put me back into just loud drunk, but prior to that I'll shove everyone in my path and glare at whoever the fuck dares to touch my girlfriend.

I really love/ hate alcohol addled me.

AVATAR AND MINK WITH RICA.

Isn't it expected! I am miserable until wednesday's and friday's!

Well we had a weird time entering avatar and looking at all the freaky statues and I'm sure as hell this is one place I do not want to be when drunk or high. I will probably hump the medusa statues before realizing wtf I am doing and punching them and then face a $20k bill for reconstruction.

So I tried champagne and I don't know if that's what caused my alcohol rash after but, headed down to mink and saw her friend and my friend, who both happened to be mink party promoters. Alcohol calls.

Got drunk early and spent the better part of the night stoning in a sofa seat being PISSED AS ALL FUCKING HELL AT A GUY WHO KEPT TELLING ME SHIT I WON'T REMEMBER IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND BEING STICKY.

But fuck that. Rica had a good time and that's good enough for me. Also saw youyi, a comex colleague, and he was drunk out of his mind so he insisted that I join him and he poured martell into my mouth and plain water (which he insisted is green tea) down my neck and accidentally onto my hair and dress.

Sober him was very sorry about it but honestly my hair became unspeakably soft afterwards so all is good. Spent the bulk of the night pushing everyone dancing near me away. One of these days I'm going to get smashed with a bottle for not launching full mode into a promiscuous being in a club.

Thank you yuanfeng for sending me and rica home!

Also sidenote to anyone who clubs with me: unless you can see that my hair is not done up, DO NOT FUCKING RUFFLE MY HEAD, OR I WILL KNEE YOU IN THE FUCKING BALLS.

(updated on 14/9 which explains the misery.)

Today was ted and good food with benjamin. But you won't want to hear about that;

I HATE THIS EMPTY BLOG.

I have so many blog-worthy things in my head that just DISAPPEAR the minute I see "New Post". Thank you brain. Not only can you remember none of my friends' birthday, now you can't remember any of your own thoughts too! Good job, hello Alzheimer's!

But anyway, because I need to shove my music into everyone's face, here is a list of good songs you should listen to for the upcoming hell week. Personally honestly hell to me because I can find no company for ladies' night at mink. God I'm a club addict.

1. I Need Some Sleep / Eels

"I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round
Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go"

I really need to let go. I have given myself the perfect guide to messing things up everytime I have something good so is it a surprise when I found out Friday ruined me for you? Nope. I'm not destined to keep good things.

2. Hallelujah / Rufus Wainwright

"Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?"

This part really struck me man.

Isn't it scary and isn't it what I've failed in? Like to try to find a secret switch in your lover that'll make them come back, that'll make them love again, only to find out there was never one, or you never conquered them.

See I really can't be awake after 01:23 without company. My tumblr is good enough to drive me home to sadness. Also I read too much into my songs. SINGLEHOOD HAS MADE ME TOO BOLIAO.

3. Drops Of Jupiter / Train

"Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey"

What a complicated song.

Wins every award hands down for relating to everything possible. I see a galaxy, a season, a month and a weather condition. If I ever continue composing I'll keep in mind to write something as insanely random as this.

So yes, those are really good songs and deserve a place in your club music infested ipod and I am very ashamed, but I have to come out and say that I now have more than 3 david guetta songs in my phone. I AM SORRY MY MUSIC GODS, I HAVE SINNED.

I am bored mindless so I'm going to head to sleep.

I am a 3-hour sleep survivor.

With these 3 hours, I went to visit my baby cousin rayden (oh my god he's so adorable and small and bad at sitting I want to bring him home and plop him on my bed and let him drool on it everywhere) and sent my dad off to the airport for cambodia (may god keep that place safe) and conquered a indoor playground with my baby brother!

Dad was flying off to cambodia to accompany his chaffeured kid for a golf course and at this point I'd just like to marvel and weep at their wealth. Souperlicious was the last family meal we'll have in 5 days. He'll be back soon and safe!



Happy ryan at kidzamaze heh.

I swear I was trying my hardest to mount all the structures there but I was so beat. Had to keep inventing (very smart if I may say) very lazy games for my brother. Like just hopping across seats instead of climbing 3 stories' worth of structures.

And thankfully he fell for it hahah. Was in a formal dress to send my dad off earlier so my mum dropped me at this cheap retail cart and I bought a $8 outfit. Needless to say I look ridiculous. Also there was a saf items sale and I wonder if that's legal, but my brother was wearing nsf shorts everywhere today heh.

Gave up party night for this:

I made a lot of new jewelry!

Was in full makeup and outfit and my friend was pressuring me but Friday was enough to put me off it for a while, so stayed home and it was a good night of diy to the soundtrack of eels and brian mcfadden.

Slept to very miserable literature, the misery I put myself through.

Tonight was a bad, bad night.

Once again, this time more than ever, met a lot of new people who tried to help me out but it wasn't very useful. Saw friends and I really like seeing people I know, makes me feel happier I'm there. And finally tried Friday's @ Helipad.

I had a date for the night and I desperately hope it was good for him. Well regardless, saw my friends in varying stages of drunk and I'm damned glad alcohol only makes me smiley and quiet and dancey and not anything else.

A night to forget.

My 5th september is a blank space on my Twitter. But it's a wednesday. So it's safe to say I was at clarke quay. OH OKAY IT'S FINALLY COMING BACK TO ME!

(here on my faulty memory speaks:)

Zirca/ rebel with bryan, dwelyn, her boyfriend and a coupla guys I do not remember. I remember a very fast drinking game with bryan, a small conflict, seeing friends and people I never thought I'd see again, and good music.

Also sidenote: I hate roadblocks.

Today is the sister's birthday!





Today was kbox and me spending at her every whim. I can't believe I struggled from the comfort haven of my kbox room to kfc and back just because the dudette was hungry. And what was she doing the whole time! Dancing to "fantastic baby". BIRTHDAY VOIDED DEATH WISH.

She abused her kitty films for today heh.

So anyway, we just placed a big order with 65daigou and I hope to god they're reliable and my things really come 2 weeks from now. I will stay awake night and day or just go home really excited for this heh heh heh.

"She didn’t understand that. “How can anyone be afraid of love?” “How can they not?” His face was completely aghast. “When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?"

— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry

Is it bad that I'm on a desperate quest to be single but I want to feel this handicapping, self-ruining misery only a lover can put me through again?

Karaoke with tristal and sherlyn!



Yuanfeng drove us out to supper after heh.

Had rocher's taohuey, I didn't know pudding now has a new name! But nonetheless, it was nice being back here after so long. I miss my friends. But onto happier matters, went to kbox again after sending tristal home and I really have a thing for tequila.

Kbox @ choa chu kang was sherlyn adorably laughing at everything she saw and yuanfeng just refusing the mike and me in a general state of confusion heh. Yf decided he had too much petrol and foolishly sent sherlyn home all the way at kian keat before sending me back to choa chu kang again.

We passed by potong pasir.

So I sat up, took a long look - st andrew's, 142, the canal jogging path. For so long I've resigned to the fact that I can no longer give a shit. As it turned out, my rag of wasted emotions had a last drop, and it's for you.

They say when you love, it's either forever or it never was. I told myself too many times before, and again tonight, that all that was not a lie - I meant everything I felt and everything I said. And I was so sure of you, that you did believe in us. I've ran out of words - what can I say, what a fucking tragedy.

I wish I had a cigarette.

x

A cigarette lights, and he's gone.

[Melissa]

The bottle was finished, but he left his pack.

She inhaled deeply, letting the smoke engulf her lungs in a silly flirtation with death, and exhaled. She often wondered how lethal a cigarette is, so much killing power packed into this small, harmless object. Doesn't it sound like her?

Her clothes were strewn across the floor. One of the dress was torn down to the sides. I'm charging for this next time, she made a mental note, as she made her way to her wardrobe, a cheap array of reds and blacks.

A cigarette lights, then she rang for her next customer.

/

The alley was getting dark, but fuck if he's afraid of that still.

[Chance]

"That session was hardly worth $50. God damn man, introduce me better places next time."

He wanted to slam down the phone, but he realized his iPhone didn't have a cradle. For not the first time that night, he laughed a mirthless laugh. How quaint is technology, our thoughts travel faster than a shark sensing blood but our actions are worthless.

Time for home to the horrific wife again. The alley lights were going out one by one. The frail, bent old man was having a hard time reaching for the switches of the older streetlights. He thought of helping, then changed his mind.

The alley was getting dark, and he was still afraid of it.

/

The same moon, but where are you tonight?

[Johnson]

He reached for the last switch.

The alley's silence was penetrated by a few drunk laughs. He turned, and saw a group of youngsters with bottles in their hands and cigarettes in the other. Is investing in the addictions of death a cool thing amongst the young now?

He smiled happily as he thought of home. The kids are coming home to supper tonight, darling, do you know that? They miss you, and so do I. I can't cook anymore, these hands are useless now, thank god for Chinese takeaway. The waitress gave him a brief smile and passed him his order.

The same moon, we'll be together soon darling.

/

Someday came suddenly, here you are.

[Christine]

The last order was finally done.

She left her hair down, the tight bun now cascading into gentle curls. Her boyfriend was due to pick her up anytime, and she wasn't sure what to expect this time. It seemed each time he returned, it was for the worse. But who knows, God may have mercy on her this time.

She was devastatingly beautiful, with charm and soft intelligence to match. She could have had the world at her feet, but she never wanted anyone else. She tried to not let her living conditions ruin her, but it was poison, and it's finally hitting her bloodstream.

Someday came suddenly, may I take your order again?

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I was reading larmoyante and I got very inspired to do that.

It does sound quaint, doesn't it? The butterfly effect from one person to the next, how so many people can have so many disconnected thoughts that'll always revolve around the same themes: love, work and life.

Maybe I'm just too bored :(

With the family @ ikea today.





Happy family day.

I saw a lot of future ideas for my flat and I never realized the insane stress an empty room puts on you. For me at least, if I end up messing up my flat, I will never bother stepping in again. I'll sleep at mac's heh.

What I want most of all is probably a wall where I can draw and write whatever the hell I want. Then I can write my beloved quotes and draw nonsense as usual and it'd better be a good collage.

I think I'll completely scrape a dining table. And I think I'd want a small home, a shoe-box apartment. Then I would have nothing to clean and The Husband will not be able to bring another woman home without her accidentally knocking a small corner and crying and me running out of bed to beat her up.

Gave up meeting x for my family day and now I'm missing him very much. Can't wait for the weekend! This is feeling fuzzy and warm. I'm dating an army man again! I must start planning superb civilian weekends.

I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

- Eels, I Need Some Sleep

My newest, saddest song on my phone.

"And were an epitaph to be my story
I’d have a short one ready for my own.
I would have written of me on my stone:
I had a lover’s quarrel with the world."

— Robert Frost, The Lesson for Today