This is how I disappear

I think I don't give my body enough credit.

I am pretty hard on it and for the longest time, everything it did pissed me off.

Some days I would look at it and go urgh and I would starve it just to punish it. Which makes no sense because my body is a part of me and that means I'm punishing myself but I am not known to make sense so that's that.

I always had friends who visited the gym like its their salvation. 

My poly friends caught on the gym thing early. I joined one of them to the gym once and my god he looked so blissfully happy, I was surprised he didn't hump the machine right there and then.

I tried to go more often but the gym men at clementi scare the living fuck out of me.

There was once when I went and this dude saw me, trailed me to the treadmill, sat on this epilator behind me while I ran and stared at my ass the entire time. When I left, he left with me but took a turn at the toilet. There on I do not care to know.

And that's not even the creepiest thing. There was a period where I went more often than usual, but I did not speak to anyone. The whole time I would quietly enter, quietly do my sets and quietly leave. 

This dude managed to find out my name from just looking at me. He liked a slew of my photos on instagram and commented on an old photo, "are you the clementi gym girl?" I went to check out his twitter out of curiosity and hail the the king of kreeps because holy fuck, HE GAVE ME A HASHTAG.

I am flattered, I am. But the hashtagger was an ah beng and the epilator dude was middle aged so it's really hard to be flattered when you trealize this is the kind of men your face attracts. 

My grandma used to give me big plates of rice for dinner and as I got older, I would scrape more and more of it off the plate. She would sarcastically (and adorably) say, "wa, eat so much today ah!" when I scrape 3/4 of the plate back into the cooker.

Today, my eating problem was such a big deal that she quietly counted the number of prawns I ate for dinner and then complained to my mother about it after. How vengefully cute is that!

"Coco only eat 4 prawns! 4 prawns! Why only 4 prawns!"

She made it sound like I should be thrown in jail for daring to eat anything less than 12 prawns heh heh. I made a passing remark on baking a cake and she got all ready to do it. At 9pm. At night.

Yep all you self-labelled bakers can screw off now, this is the new queen of hardcore baking.

Footnote:



Go ahead and be a cunt, that is fine by me and habit for you.

But if you spoil this, I will dig out every person you ever loved and I will ruin them one by one, quickly and happily. I have a fucking lot of time and a fuck-ton more of rage, so doubt me not. I will not be the bigger man; I will be the bigger asswipe.

I could almost beg you to try it.