In the odd selection was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Requiem for a Dream, The Notebook, Pan's Labyrinth, MirrorMask, Moonrise Kingdom, The Breakfast Club, etc. One of my favourite was 500 Days of Summer.
The movie stuck with me -- I enjoyed it thoroughly.
But I hated Summer.
I abhorred her and her breaking Tom's heart even though he was the most devoted thing. I abhorred that she hopelessly claimed they were a ruined cause, but that she somehow found redemption in the man after him.
And then her iconic line came.
And I thought, "What a royal cunt indeed."
And I also vowed never to watch New Girl hahah damn I'm petty.
But I truly couldn't understand. I couldn't understand her actions, her childish frivolousness, her fear of commitment, her inability to fix things, her indecisiveness, her fucking listless eyes -- okay yeah this is getting personal.
Then I realized: I am the Summer to 90% of my exes.
Literally I was their summer because I usually give them a brilliant three months then fall off the surface of the Earth after that. Or I would leave them with a half-assed excuse. It doesn't matter how good they were to me or how long we were together. Once I've decided to leave, I leave. And I don't take that decision back.
I never knew why I did that. It felt like the relationship had run its course. It felt like the love I thought I had for them was just a phase. In fact, it kinda felt like a bad dream. Because no matter how long the relationship was and how important they were to me, I got over them in three weeks.
But then today happened.
Today I watched an episode of Modern Family.
Gloria was upset with Jay over how badly he proposed. Then, he explained to her the proper way he wanted to, before her son accidentally screwed things up. And even before he finished, she delightfully threw her arms around him and said, "Yes Jay I will marry you!"
It wasn't even vaguely related to Summer's quote, but it edged itself into my thoughts and refused to leave. All the while I continued with the episode with Summer's quote ringing in my ears and burning in my mind's eye.
And I knew.
I knew Gabriel was going to be the last love of my life.
Not in a morbid way, no.
I know that if we break up, I will find someone else again. I know I stick around and try to care but in the end, I will be Summer again. I'll look at them and wonder 'why?' and my interest will die off and it will repeat in decreasing degrees of love, till I casually marry someone nice and be done with it.
That's the bleak future I imagine without Gabriel.
The sentence kept coming back.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
And I was happy.
And I am happy.
I've never been more sure of anyone else.
-
For a while, I thought it would be Shannon. I thought he'd be my knight, but he turned out to be one of the most horrific mistakes of my life. And the only reason I was able to walk out of it was because of Hweechen.
Hweechen.
What a dear name.
He saved me from the damnation that I put myself through over Shannon. He tore parts of himself down to rebuild me yet again and again, I disappointed him. Till today, not a day goes by without me regretting being such a fuck up.
And I punished myself for it. I truly did. I refused to get attached to anything and anyone from the day we broke up. I dated men but they never mattered. They were filler and pillars to support my guilt. I refused all possibilities of happiness. Then he got attached and he seemed so happy that I thought; perhaps my time is done.
That was 2012.
To the end of 2014.
Two years I starved myself of all love and destroyed everyone who tried to fix me. I was convinced I needed to relive the personal hell I put you through too. An eye for an eye. A broken soul for another.
My deepest, darkest secret is that I've never stopped hoping. I've never stopped believing that in the end, you are still the one for me. I've never stopped wondering how things could have been. I've never stopped regretting letting you walk out of my door alone that night. I've never stopped caring.
But you seemed so happy.
What could I do?
And then finally, in the depths of my winter hell, I met Gabriel.
I will never get tired of retelling this, but he looked so unassuming the first day we met. At first glance, I truly thought meeting was a mistake and that I should leave after dessert. But after the first hour, he relaxed and he became so.. enigmatic. So magnetizing.
And I realized why.
He is a shade of you.
Gabriel is a shade of the man you were to me. He is a shade of you and Shannon. He is the perfect combination of both your finest merits and deepest faults. But beyond that -- he was the final piece of my soul.
We spoke about our exes once. Gabriel made me name their bad qualities. And I had such a free rein with Shannon's faults. I went on forfuckingever. But then he asked, 'what about the other guy?' and I was stumped. I couldn't think of anything. You were perfect to me.
But I lost you. And I won't let that happen again.
I won't lose this one too.
No.
He is a shade of you, yes. Everyone is a shade of you. But he grew to become so much more than that. He grew to become the most perfect shopping partner, the funniest dining companion, the sweetest travel buddy, the boldest lover, everything.
He is the superlative to every word I will ever use for the rest of my life.
I once thought no one else will ever usurp your place in my heart.
But I finally found one.
The last one.
-
Gabriel is my end of the road.
He is the lighthouse at the end of this long broadwalk I've been strolling along. He is the beacon in this dreary fog I've been choking in for far too long. He is the reward to every 'why the fuck me, god?' I've ever suffered through. He is the final piece of my soul.
And I know because for the first time, I am okay without him. I am okay while he sails. I am okay because I know, simply and truly, that my heart is safe with him and that when he comes back, all my skies will be sunnier again and all my waiting would be worthwhile.
So this is it.
Nicole, if you're reading this in two years, I hope you continue this stanza for me.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
Gabriel is going to be the last love of my life.
I have finally found my longer than forever.
p/s Writing this is making me cry.
p/p/s I almost guarantee the next post will be about how he pissed me off and I'm done but ah I never will be done. It's Gabriel. I'll never be done.
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