Hold on, don't tell me - you're thinking of getting one! Of course you are.
There are two classes of people in the world of ink. The former are the folks who talk all day about getting one but never do do it, and the latter are the ones who have to put up with that kind of shit till said folks fuck off or actually get it done.
I am thankful for the most straight-forward boyfriend in the world who woke up one day and decided, "Yeah ink, bitch!" and dreamed up a design and got it done, all in a month's work. Thank god for my decisive man.
Digressing, I think my inked ex boyfriends must have rolled their eyes inwardly every time I brought up the topic of me getting one. I was 16 then and IT IS A LEGITIMATE CONCERN OK I wasn't even ready to commit to them for two weeks, why would I commit forever to an ink jesus.
Plus none of the assholes understood my trepidation at getting my first ink. How bad would it hurt? Would I get sick of it? What is the cost? How often do I have to go for touch up? Yada yada.
So fret not - here is your definitive guide to getting your first tattoo!
Step one: Decide how big a disappointment you want to be to your parents
This is a tricky question.
Do you want them to be a little disappointed, but still love you? Or are you ready for them to be majorly disappointed, and un-love you a little? What a difficult choice! Here is my personal experience for your perusal!
The first time I got my tattoo, it was on the inside of my right foot. And it was pretty easy to hide - I just had to plan my walking route in advance everywhere I go to make sure it was covered at all times. Imagine the following:
I used to have such a big home sigh.
Anyway, my usual route is as given. Sometimes I see what's on the tv and sometimes I go to the kitchen hunting for food. After I got my ink, all that became a much trickier task. I had to walk like this:
Man those were tough days.
I had to plot my walking route back then. Ok how to walk to the kitchen to get a snack and come back? Ok I will walk a round at the living room. How to watch tv while hiding it? Ok I will cross my legs, right foot under.
In the end, they found out because I forgot to take a spin one day and my naturally suspicious dad went, "WHAT IS THAT?" and that night was a screaming match.
My dad and mum are a match made in Jewish heaven, I am sure.
My dad would use anger, wielding it like a sword. He would shout at me and came me names and I would learn all sorts of new Hokkien vulgarities in the same time frame. My mum would employ guilt, adding tears for maximum effect. She would cry and ask where did she go wrong.
And together, they were invincible.
I felt so bad that I put off having another tattoo for six months, even though I was itching every day to do more. And eventually, they got more and more accustomed to the idea. Or maybe it's because they love me less now. WELL FUCK IT I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!
So back to step one yes.
Decide how big a disappointment you want to be to your parents. Are you ready to see the love leave their eyes as you say, "Yes, I got it done last week I am sorry," and can you handle the feigned fainting?
You can? STEP TWO IT IS!
Step two: Decide how often you want to receive questions
Which in a nutshell means - get English or Chinese tattoos only.
In fact, don't even get Chinese tattoos. Chances are, you can't speak Chinese to save your life. You can test your Chinese capability by repeating whatever I'm typing in Chinese. Are you stuck at the word "repeat"? There you go!
Anyway it's chong fu (yi bian), not "jiang again?" yeah.
When I got my feet tattoo, I got the standard few questions.
"Why'd you tattoo "congee" on your feet?"
"Is that an infinity sign or a smudged 8?"
"What is that word in the center? Ethan?"
HOLY FUCK SUDDEN REALIZATION: My favorite self given name used to be Lexi, after the book, "Mistress of the Game" by Sidney Sheldon but it has since reverted back to Thane, which I dreamed up.
AND I JUST REALIZED THE CENTER WORD OF MY FOOT TATTOO OFFICIALLY LOOKS LIKE "THANE" NOW MORE THAN EVER BECAUSE IT IS MORE SMUDGED THAN BEFORE!
Ok I'm adding Thane to my IC by 2016.
Back to topic, notice the sound of music over people not asking what longer than forever means? Notice the birds in the background that chirp for the first time in their lives because no one asked, "So what does it mean?"
All the said birds died in their sleep and on their branches that night because the next thing I knew, I got myself a Latin tattoo and holy shit the floodgate of questions I received became so template, I could sleep while answering.
Normal conversation goes like this:
I: What words are those? Vietnam?
Me: Vae victis.
I: I see. What does it mean?
Me: Woe to the vanquished.
I: But what does that mean?
Me: Misery to the losers.
I: Huh what's that?
As you can tell, "I" stands for idiot here. Also as you can tell, by this landmark in the conversation I have already either resorted to violently eating my meal or vehemently staring at a point beyond their head enough for them to realize they probably should Google it.
Maybe I should make it easier for them and tattoo the Google definition of it right below my tat.
No one is stopping you from asking.
Ask ahead. But have the courtesy to take a minute to think about whatever you've heard, instead of giving me a face blanker than canvas and asking me again and again what it means. Maybe ask your mum. Okay that was rude.
So if you're as impatient as I am when it comes to entertaining questions, stick to English. No one ever asked what my collarbone tattoo means. Yes they misinterpret it as save the dog or lave the day but hey, AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T ASK WHAT IT MEANS.
Step three: Decide how cool are you with smudging
My foot tattoo has smudged to oblivion. These days I'm lucky if someone recognizes the word "longer" on it. Luckier if I, myself can recognize the word "than" at all.
My thigh tattoo has smudged like a dementia patient - if it had a life, it wouldn't remember who it was at all. I have touched up on it four times now and five times it has disappointed me. Yes it is that hardcore.
No close-up photos because they're gross.
My arm tattoo, neck tattoo, collarbone tattoo are doing fine. I predict my newest one might take a turn for the worse if I keep scratching it. But my point is: choose the location wisely and don't be trigger-happy with itches.
Step four: Test your pain threshold
To prepare myself for my first tattoo, my boyfriend (at that point) broke up with me and made sure my broken heart far outweighed all physical realms of pain LOL. And my god it worked like a fucking charm.
If you've ever asked me how much tattoos hurt, I would have always answered the same thing. My foot. My foot hurt the worst. The area leading up to the word "forever" and the infinity sign hurt the worst.
Physically it's true, because the skin there gets thin. Poetically though, it is because I had a hidden sorrow from the break up and the word forever was sensitive to me and the infinity sign, sensitive-r. BOOHOO ME.
We got back together after my tattoo and broke up again JUST IN TIME for the second one. See guys, this is dedicated pain threshold building right there. I have the best self-motivated trainer ever, it seems.
Eventually I left him before I got my third tattoo. By then the pain truly didn't bother me anymore. The ink is worth the pain. I've been an inked woman and I've been a plain woman and I choose ink, every time. Fuck I have just ruined my favorite quote from Jordan Belfort. Moving on.
In the coming few years, it would me be testing his pain threshold as he periodically asks, "Wow Nicole, you're looking better every year. How are you?" and I reply with, "Yeah I got hot, didn't I?" as I change my display photo to me parading my perky ass.
HOPE THAT HELPS WITH YOUR NEXT TATTOO SESSION TOO YOU ASSHAT.
Side note: I mean if you physically want to know your pain threshold, you can try Gabriel's method.
He annoyed me daily for a month and I pinched him for it regularly and in the end as he sat down for his session, he sagely went, "All that pinching was training for today mmm," awww my darling silver-lining baby.
Step five: Book an appointment even if you're not ready
As you can tell, I'm a mistakes first, worry later kind of person.
But really, all of my tattoo sessions were booked way before I had a clue on what I want. I have a sketch of what I'm looking to do. But never anything solid. Especially with my text tattoos. They always came at the door.
Literally at the door.
I would be heading out to the parlour and the perfect text would float around in my mind, to be shot down by the archers whiling around in my mind and bought proudly to the management, who then stamp their approval.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you probably already do know what you want.
It stays in the subconscious part of your mind, an area that can only be awakened in times of urgency. And if urgency comes in the form of a needle about to break your skin, then it will definitely wake it the hell up.
Step six: Just do it
Because Shia Labeouf says so.
Step seven: Or not, I don't really care
It's your life.
Disclaimer: This guide was meant to be as unhelpful as possible. In fact if anything, it started as a public service announcement discouraging folks from doing it but along the way I decided I'll throw in legit tips.
So do as you wish and do as you please, s' long as you're happy.
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