But that is dealing me a little too much pain now so I shall hop over to vietnam instead. And then after that I'd have to do taiwan. And bangkok again. Oh man I really need to get my shit together.
As I always do when I'm in need of a perk-me-up, I started re-reading my old posts. My god my old wisdom impresses me. I need to start writing good shit now to impress 2017 Nicole.
Sidenote: 2017 Nicole, by the time you read this, I hope we have lost the 4 kg we agreed to lose 4 years ago (don't worry 2011 Nicole, it's all on 2017 now) and that we made managed to strike a deal with god wherein we don't get old while the rest of the world decays around us.
Rest of the world I mean everyone else outside the folks I love.
Back to topic, here are some old posts in no order of preference:
1)
This world is beautiful and because it is so, it is addicted to the beautiful. It gives them more than they'll ever need. Anybody will be omnipotent with beauty and charm. And of course, normal mortals like us will try with all our lives to have them.
(http://longerthanforever-x.blogspot.sg/2012/07/but-then-i-feel-guilty-for-wanting-to.html)
2)
Time has strange powers. It creeps up on you slowly before pouncing onto you, reminding you that what was the sweetest window of time of your life is now His to claim and His to dissolve slowly with hazy memory. It greets like a devil and parts like a gentleman, your time stolen and now safely in his bowler hat.
Somewhere, maybe in Rotterdam, Time is slow and has not yet claimed his dues from the fined. How desperately she wished they could be there right now, reliving and relishing all these stolen moments again and again, denying and defying Time in his face, pissing over what abilities he thought he had.
But this was here and this is now, and others were calling -- it was time to go.
(http://longerthanforever-x.blogspot.sg/2012/07/she-laid-content-in-his-arms.html)
(http://longerthanforever-x.blogspot.sg/2012/07/she-laid-content-in-his-arms.html)
3)
They say when you love, it's either forever or it never was. I told myself too many times before, and again tonight, that all that was not a lie - I meant everything I felt and everything I said. And I was so sure of you, that you did believe in us. I've ran out of words - what can I say, what a fucking tragedy.
They say when you love, it's either forever or it never was. I told myself too many times before, and again tonight, that all that was not a lie - I meant everything I felt and everything I said. And I was so sure of you, that you did believe in us. I've ran out of words - what can I say, what a fucking tragedy.
4)
It would be terribly unwise of me to wish ill upon myself, but it's been so long since I've felt anything.. well anything in general. Life spent clubbing is really bad. I thought the alcohol only goes into the bloodstream but it doesn't just, it seeps through into the soul too.
Then again, the immune are free to do as they please.
(http://longerthanforever-x.blogspot.sg/2012/09/great-world-city-is-magical-with-good.html)
(http://longerthanforever-x.blogspot.sg/2012/09/great-world-city-is-magical-with-good.html)
5)
Spent today morning alone reading my kafka on the shore at a quaint cafe in velocity before heading over to my psychiatrist. Two hours later, I am drained and her words have corroded into themselves into nothing.
The only thing that really burned it was her analogy of me:
(gestures to a bottle of water she was holding:)
Ms. L: You see, these are your emotions and everything you've been taking in. You're only what, 19? And it's fast filling up. Very soon it's going to reach its brim-
And I will lose my mind? And I will explode? And I will lose control?
Ms. L: And you'll lose your ability to feel.
That's why you've been feeling indifferent. That's why when you talk about the bad things that happen to you, you genuinely don't feel anything. Until you learn to start draining this correctly, you're not going to move on or get better. And from what I see, you're not handling well at all.
... And my descent into madness continues there on.
I knew I'd find what I wanted to find. I knew if I go back long enough, I finally find the posts. And I did. I thought it'd plunge me into misery again -- it didn't. My heart just ached for the pain I put you through.
You met me at a bad time of my life. And I always wished that I could have rectified that. But judging by my posts, had you came back into my life at any later, I might have killed myself at the first chance I got, when I realized I had nothing in this world to give a shit about.
It's 2015. It's been three years since that frightful time in my life.
Can I say I'm better now?
I knew I'd find what I wanted to find. I knew if I go back long enough, I finally find the posts. And I did. I thought it'd plunge me into misery again -- it didn't. My heart just ached for the pain I put you through.
You met me at a bad time of my life. And I always wished that I could have rectified that. But judging by my posts, had you came back into my life at any later, I might have killed myself at the first chance I got, when I realized I had nothing in this world to give a shit about.
It's 2015. It's been three years since that frightful time in my life.
Can I say I'm better now?
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