Not a rat's ass

I do not give a fuck.

I do not give a fuck.

I do not give a fuck.

The sooner you realize that, the better.

Jesus Christ the laws of attraction are true - the more unavailable you are, the more they want you.

In this past week alone I have received enough, "Hey there Nicole, how are you?" whatsapp message bytes to power a website. Also I obviously don't know my stuff so if my expression is wrong, then fuck it I don't care anyway. Side-note: so nifty this is totally attesting to headline.

Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful stroke for my ego. It is gorgeous to know my number is still on your list. But unless you are my sex god of my boyfriend, there's little chance I'll give a shit.

See I don't need more friends. I have all the friends I need. So what do you have to offer me?

"Oh I was just thinking about you. I've been good but bored mostly. My life is ruled by army now. Army is YADA YADA YADA" - rip attention span

LOLOL.

You think I give two shits about your boring army life?

Is army boring you? GOOD. I hope it bores you to death so I never receive your messages again. Jesus christ at least pretend you have a better line. How am I? You spoke to me after seeing me on instagram. You tell me how I am. 

I look hot enough for you to come talking to me. Simultaneously, I look attached enough for you to stay away. Why ask stupid questions when you can just be upfront and tell me your motive instead?

But anyway,

To the clueless men in the world: Never start shit with, "How are you?" 

Most of the time, when I ask how are you, I am really just waiting for you to finish typing your crap so I can start on my tirade when you obligatorily ask back, "So how are you?"

So why are you any different? Of course you don't care how I am. If I had answered, "I am feeling pretty sad I am thinking about throwing myself off this ledge lol!" you would've still went on with, "I see. I've been good. Pretty bored I guess. Army sucks yada yada. Wanna have lunch?"

Oh and never mention you're bored. Never.

Here are two scenarios:

1) A guy is texting me out of the blue and he's telling me he's bored. I momentarily consider telling him to fuck off and count grass blades before deciding silence is colder. I blue-tick him to infinity and beyond.

2) A guy is texting me out of the blue and he's telling me he's about to bungee jump and he thought about a discussion we had where I said I wanted to do it too. Now my interest is piqued and I will reply very favorably.

I should have written this sooner. Then I would've asked my boyfriend out last year instead of delaying it to this year's start. See baby this is what happens when you tell me you're bored b.c. (before calves - you have the sexiest calves ever) (which also means before I met you in person)

Always start by telling the chick you thought of them as you are doing something favorable. In fact, as long as it's a nifty little thing (that you can manipulate to be) exclusively applicable to her, it will always work. 

A shoe reminded you of her. An earring reminded you of her. As long as you don't venture into riskier areas like telling her a porno reminded you of her, you would do a-okay.

(Baby you cannot apply this to anymore girls. Only me.)

If you are a girl reading this, then sorry I have nothing to offer you. This guide is a moo point for you. Hehe moo. Anyway you're a chick, so just look pretty and wait for the, "How are you"s to flow in. 

Hope I helped and if I did, you owe me an advisory meal.

Tips and trickery aside, this won't apply to me so unless you have free buffet vouchers for me and my boyfriend, I am not free for the rest of my life thank you.