It feels like everything in my life is sealed in a cosmo bag. I don't know what I'll grab each time I give it a go, but I know that for the ones that fall out, I have to take them all. And it depresses me occasionally.
I feel like I haven't had time to be with myself for a while now. I am choked with photography work, childcare work and guilt, thesmartlocal, this blog, friends, family and believe me, I love it.
I love being so completely, utterly overwhelmed because at the end of the day, it is these happy distractions that keeps me from thinking too much about the past again and letting myself stay there for hours on end.
But it doesn't change a thing, do you know?
Because no matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter who I am with, I always end up scrolling all the way to the bottom of my whatsapp.
And I hover at our conversation.
And I lock my phone.
I enjoyed my day out with them, as I always do!
But I realize that to my friends, I will always have that impression of a frivalous girl who is a taitai. It seems like nobody knows I work back-to-back shifts on work and off work, online and off site/
And it also seems like they're all forgotten that I've been single in the past one year in an immense effort to just be alone and wait for who I truly one instead of settling around, as they think.
And it used to pain me that they think that way. Not just the people in the photo. But everyone else. Especially my group of poly friends who don't see anything of me except in clubs and all.
Well, guess it doesn't pain me anymore.
It is tragic really. That to strangers and new folks, I am the biggest enigma they know and they want to know every inch of me inside and out, mind and body, but my own friends just think they have me figured out.
Ah well. I guess at the end of the day, I don't know everything about my friends either and I don't have the time to slowly get to know them. I need more time. I need more time to do everything.
I need time to rewind.
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