God is good and god is great and I am now sentenced probation.

Finally, for a 3 fucking year case.



He was supposed to come but bailed SIGH.

But anyhoo, to celebrate, it was zouk! This is my 3rd straight night clubbing and I think it's very safe to say that I never had a more fucking awesome time than tonight. I love my friends god I do, they really do make every single thing better.

Went with tony, swee, kris, jessie, songyan, jingkai, kristina, 3 of her friends. Jaichyi, shuwei, jervis and I were late so we caught up shortly after and thank god to sw and jc specifically for helping me in my 18cm heels over everywhere.

Went to drink with the 3 after seeing arielle was in good hands and hahah I make a good listener and sharer when I'm drunk. I cannot clearly remember how but I somehow reached zouk and it was just blur blur blur dance dance dance and a fight my friends got into and I was lost and found again!

Outside to chill for a bit and by this time I've lost yuanfeng to a fight and arielle to phuture's crowd and sherlyn to velvet. The rest didn't want to go anymore so tony, jingkai, swee and I went back in and I think that was the part of the night where it was so fucking good I could weep.

A club really needs great music to satisfy their drunkards and the high. And I've been listening to such shitty club tracks from such under-performing clubs that when Phuture and its classic tracks and new poison came in, I was ready to be on my knees thanking my clubbing gods.

I love my friends and Phuture, thank you for a damned good night.

"In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe."

— Jeffrey McDaniel, The Quiet World

x

Thursday was rebelll.



Was with edward, tristal and sherlyn and I got very fucking high early and we went to chill at some condo's skypark before going back to rebel and I met new friends and everything was really not bad. I wish I was royally drunk the whole night but alas it wore off early.

I am never going to Thursday's again.

Tequila is my fucking oxygen

I think I surprised everyone with how fucking sober I was. Everything I drank that night was so smooth. The barcadi the vodka the johnnie walker. Nothing had the kick of my usual tequila. God this is bad.

Oh well so anyway, went to st james first with tristal, sherlyn and whatshisname. Had a good time with our drinks, we had like 15 free. Claimed 11 and just sat around with awkward truths and horrific dares enough to get us thrown out hahah. St james is really going downhill man.

Cabbed over to zirca to meet tengyi, aaron and his 4 drunk friends and arielle. Night went pretty smoothly. Was insanely sober and holding up the drunktards and it got better in the end thanks to rebel.

GOD FUCKING BLESS REBEL. Which clubs plays memories and cinema and thanks for the memories and the one that got away and all my fucking sob songs? Rebel. I LOVE YOU. I wish I had some tequila.





It was a good good nighttt.

I FINALLY HAD BK BREAKFAST TODAY!

Went to bring my grandma and sister to bukit batok and we had the burger king breakfast FINALLY OH MY GOD IT'S MICHELIN IN MY MOUTH.

My grandma is really cute. She insisted on buying anything we fancied and couldn't be bothered to look twice at the price tag. I was fussing over cute stuff (DO NOT JUDGE ME) and she kept saying buy buy buy xiaojie gei wo liang ge xie xie. Heh heh my grandma xian qian duo ah.





So now me and my sister are the owners of a cute pair of socks heh heh.

I have an extra pair of floral bootes because my feet size is freakishly small and bata kids was having a clearance sale. Apparently I wear a kids' size 13. If my feet got any smaller it'd just disappear hahah.

I think I went midnight kbox with benjamin after. I realize how matter how fucking much I hate tequila, I am addicted to it and it helps me function. Can't dance without tequila, can't sing without tequila, can't forget my fucking life without tequila. I should worship tequila.

Hello tequila, goodbye liver.

Today I went on a date with myself.



Went to see my lawyer and was in a really bad mood. Was going to go cry my nose out or something in his toilets but they were locked. So decided to go walk around instead and Chinatown has good views.

I love vintagey places. Like that colorful beary best! hotel hahah. How absolutely adorable. Also my tear therapy was rendered unnecessary after I saw this pushcart stall with a lot of exquisitely handmade accessories. Retail therapy is good.

Went to have dinner by myself and a long bus home by myself.

sidenote: I have spent close to $500 in the past 2 weeks on just clubbing and it's getting fucking scary. So maybe this probation is good news. Gives my bank time to close its legs and recuperate for a while sigh.

It's a great pity that those who need to know me most will never read this.

1) I've been waking up lately hating myself

It's not too bad a thing.

I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling anything. I hate myself for all the alcohol I've been punishing this useless body with. I now understand the alcoholics of the world. I hate it, I hate this Satan's bar brewed special but god what I wouldn't do for a shot every Wednesday night. Love-hate at it's best.

I asked a friend when's the last time he woke up hating himself, and he said it was during his break up days, and he'll never want to go through that again. And I guess that's something I'll never understand.

A love affair that was worth everything you have and everything you'll ever have, is a love that's going to be worth all the after-misery in the world. I'll willingly wake up weeping desperate and feeling like absolute shit for 2 years for another 1 year of uncontrollable love with someone I've loved and lost.

Actually come to think about it, I'll probably go to any length, through any pain to relive my perfect relationship once again. God help me, I really still think I'm capable of love.

2) My best epiphanies are at the back of a cab

Or a club, depends.

I was in a cab to serangoon when I realized with searing clarity that I no longer loved a man who was once my universe. That when the image of him comes up unbridled in my head, all that was conjured up was "does he feel this same hollow indifference when he sees me now?"

How strange life works. 2 years ago, I was loved by the most broken and hardworking man I've ever known. 1 year ago, I was loved by the most giving and perfect man I've ever known. And I have managed to destroy the faith they both put in me for momentary, fake happiness. Fuck you Nicole.

I deserve this desperate dark pit of an abyss I have for a heart now.

3) My guy friends are (finally) commitment phobics

Thank god.

I've been so fucking scarred and scared by the seemingly ceaseless stream of guys who constantly try to push me into a relationship with them. This is a refreshing change, thank god for commitment issues.

4) My girl friends are too buzy for me :(

Hazel has clean disappeared off this world.

Syahirah is busy with exams and yinghui is busy settling into ntu and dory is busy settling into nus and siewsia has pulled a houdini so it was 2 weeks of endless partying with new friends and faces.

WHERE ARE YOU GIRLS.

5) I have a rapidly falling ego

Perhaps it was that fateful call yesterday, perhaps it was the night I spent after, god knows what it was. But my ego has been left in shambles and pieces. So I feel pretty small and useless right now. Sigh.

I thank god for my quickly dissipating feelings. I have a small window of time where I really try to care for a person and I will bail at the first sign of disappointment and thank god this sense is perfected. Leaves out all the egoistic, sour grapey fucks from my life and helps with the reconstruction of my destroyed ego.

6) I really like reading the weirdest things

In particular the 2000 economy crisis: how Ford started a buying then selling spree, where medicine powerhouses fell and new brands took their place, where bank gods where brought to their knees and where people had to give up sleep entirely to watch the stork market as if it's their oxygen.

What a bad time to be 7 years old. If I was 27 years old with enough good men and money, I could've made a fortune with the dotcom craze before it fused out with a firework-worthy bang. Oh well.

7) I should sleep hahah



So goodnight!

Today was a stay-home day!



This is Captain Ryan on one of our ship adventures!

Heh that besides, today was a stay-home day after getting my bad news and having the worst night of my life at helipad. But remembered the steamboat and rushed out midway after a small row with my family about my going out.

Didn't really have an appetite for dinner, was truly feeling miserable over something and I'm glad I'm over it. Everyone had already eaten so once again I ate like $2's worth of food and it was off to drink!

I get weary of giving everyone a disclaimer of how bad a drinker I am :(

So basically I got semi-drunk at the zouk bridge and spent most of the night not understanding any of their drinking games. Sharon is a really impressive drinker. Actually all of them are. Tony, kris, songyan, jaichyi, sharon and swee drink like their fathers. I drink like a nun god damn it (ha ha ha punny.)

Cabbed to xx's and threw up. Throwing up has this very, very beatific after-feeling. If there were 600 fucking buffalos charging 160km/h in a fog denser than Forrest Grump in my head before, throwing up will kill the stupid bulls, purify the air and leave a small flower in it's weeping perfect wake.

Had a great night and morning with xx (:

Met up with wilson, max, zhiwei and the girlfriend!

All buffets are wasted on me.

I can pay any amount there is $15, $20, and I'll ALWAYS only eat maybe 1/10 of it's value. I ate maybe 6 pieces of bacon? And whatever unknown the guys and dasao was taking for me. STILL, I ate $1.50 at best. I HATE MY UNDERDEVELOPED STOMACH.

I was very content taking food for them and rearranging food (Michelin-worthy!) and putting watermelon pieces into pizza slices and arranging bacon according to it's length and 101 things I do when I'm bored.



Awkward picture because my guy friends are the most decent fellows ever.

Had a good breakfast/ lunch and singing with the lot of them. Also my voice was terrible pre-drinking and got tremendously better after my tequila so I've reached the grand conclusion that either I sing good after liquor, or liquor makes the enjoyer deaf. Either way, IT'S A GOOD ARRANGEMENT.



Helipad with Belinda after.

It was one of my worst nights, got blacklisted for the first time and got out of our little fix thanks to bel's friend. Bel and him improved what was a disaster of a night. Am still fucking pissed with the motherfucker and his friend who cornered me and forced their alcohol onto me knn.

Supper at mac's after and went home sober as a engineer.

Stay-home day!



Happy birthday baby brother :)

My sister is a cheapskate who wanted to buy my brother's birthday off with macs for his meals and my baby brother was still obliging. In the end we really got him nothing. My baby brother is a very considerate and thrifty boy for his age. He really hates us spending unnecessarily.

I don't want him to grow up :(

"Bottoms up tonight, I'll drink to you and I."

Had dinner at tiong bahru with kris, jessie, songyan and kiantat and I finally caught up with them in bits and pieces. Headed over to holiday inn treacherously and got to the liang court bridge and started drinking!







Drinking was with Jaichyi, Amos, Songyan, Bryan, Kris, Kiantat, Arielle and Jessie, and we promised a 2nd round hahah. My tolerance was shit as usual and I started chain-smoking to calm down but it did little to help.

Also nobody takes me seriously. Just because I'm tipsy and falling over sitting down doesn't mean my intelligence is compromised! (it actually is, sigh, I couldn't understand a simple 5-10 game) Amos asked if I could stand and I tried to then just fell backwards on the ground oh my god Nicole you embarrassment.

Danced very wildly the whole night thanks to my great intoxication. Had 4 stalkers and me and arielle kept trying to avoid them to no avail. Also rebel either has the friendliest clubbers ever or we were just good prey. Unrelated news, I love zirca's cage with arielle, reiko and rica.

Reached home in complete sobriety.

Kbox after a long long time.



My sister was really annoyed by me.

I kept falling with these heels and she's annoyed that I can't walk by myself but I NEED PRACTICE WEARING IT and this is not helping. I'm pretty sure I'm the queen of heels, it's just designed badly.

Was just really not used to singing again and spent the time just cheering for my sister's korean songs hahah. Girl can sing korean man. I think I'm done with sad chinese songs. I can't force myself to be sad anymore.



Left for home in a bit.

I cannot explain this indifference I feel. Usually I play out scenes of my relationships' failure or just think about my sadder love experience to break my voice into giving depth to my songs but today, I felt nothing. Just plain, cold indifference.

I had a very horrid dream earlier on in the day. I dreamt that I was a true blue psychotic. I could no longer feel for anyone nor anything, all I was doing was living in the past and dreaming of a future and people who loved me kept trying to save me, but like a drinker I let myself go instead.

I feel so incapable.

Today was a Expendables II with deep and I enjoyed it way more than I did.

I realize (again and again) that I love dirty, earthy men who can't give less than a hoot about their living conditions and food and clothes. Preferably they have a purpose and there's beer and good friends.

Had dinner with benjamin and I tried to convince him to find girls with the initial B and 3 syllabus but he is not fazed. Belinda. Benita, Belicia. Dude's gonna have a hard time, all I need to deal with is Nicholas hahah.



sidenote: Hi this is my x's new era cap hahah.

Coincidentally, nicholas and desmond from zouk did talk to me later in the night and it's a nice gesture I guess. I'm always worried that my drunk/ high self will chase away all my clubber friends away. Good to know it's not that bad. But still Nicole, never drink other people's drinks again.

Immediately after that typed, I remembered I have zirca x rebel this wednesday. And rebel is my temple, how can I be an offering if I'm not drunk out of my mind or high as hell. So you know what Nicole, I will extend a deadline on that, stop drinking by this friday instead yes.

Also need to stop smoking nonsense.

Oh hey darling,





"Is this really happening? I swear I'll never be happy again"

Today was a very nice, reminiscent lunch. Then a movie that bought back all your silly habits I once found annoying. Then a happy stroll, something we never used to do. It's nice, you're still you.

For you, there's so much I had to learn. Of all that leaving you taught me, the most important was survival. In all my drunk-ness and desperation yesterday, I saw with absolute clarity what I always wanted.

6 long years, how can I stay away?

Tonight was zouk!

ft. Arielle, Leanne, Kiantat, Nicholas and Desmond.





Was drunk too soon but managed to struggle around to get more drinks.

I only just met 2 of the guys so it was a little quiet at first! Got much better after all the drinks and games hahah. Nice bonding with all of them. Also I realize I cannot club to trippy, new music. However, I still desperately wish the cab and mayday parade would grace zirca one day.

Tonight was the first time I semi-threw up outside a club and it felt so, so wonderful. I was in a state of mental mess and emotional shit-storm till I threw up. Then the genting-worthy fog in my head cleared and everything was crystal clear and mind-blowingly numb again.

And they still tried to talk me into a flaming lambo hahah hell. Good good night.

Intercontinental skylounge with my sister today

Was at the rockstar sale with kristian and my sister first but we decided to leave it and just head to bugis to buy something nice for bel hahah. Met up with his friend and his friend's girl and chilled at coffee bean waiting for my babyyy. She came after I left though so :(

Jon drove over later and gave me and my sister a ride home, dropped by holland v to see our future neighborhood and my sister was very high with spoilt lights and faulty traffic hahah SHE'LL MAKE SUCH A GOOD CLUBBER, WHY CAN'T SHE SEE.

Got home too early and headed for supper with benjamin and apparently kbox is $70 for 2 hours on weekend nights. What the fuck but nonetheless, we headed for the pool and my favourite chillout place. Of late I've been finding gems in Singapore.

Reached home and collaposed, hello comatose.

Afternoon date with hazel!

Bought stuff again that I may potentially never wear (sigh) and the whole day was hazel being pissed with herself for looking old and not being able to look good in some clothes. I'll never understand how a pretty mind works.

Tried to go home but NOOO STUPID WOMAN HAS NO STRENGTH TO OPEN A WATER BOTTLE, BUT ENOUGH STRENGTH TO DRAG 40KG LITERALLY FROM BUKIT PANJANG INTERCHANGE TO THE LRT STATION. SO MUCH FOR HER USUAL FRAILNESS!

No joke I was hugging every solid structure I see and slamming my foot into the concrete ground but the woman just pulled and pulled and openly scammed my way into the lrt then dragged me back home.

We ended up chilling at her place as I predicted (sigh.)





Her place is like my new haven now.

Apparently she has an aircon wtf I've been there half of my 19 yo life and I never realized all these time it was working, she's just too DAMN LAZY TO REACH UP AND TURN IT ON and only did so to prolong my visit to her house what a sly thing. She also has a radio and a good CD collection (approves.)

She grudgingly released me at 11pm hahah.

{ prologue: }

Yesterday afternoon.. was the first time me and my grandmother talked about my great-grandmother's death. She talked happily and surely and I heard her voice crack before she stopped. I said there's no longer any afternoon calls, because now she can talk to my her in her heart and they'll both hear it.

Even I know that's not true.

(I'm getting a very physical headache now.)

11:59: I composed a long tearful message to siewsia wishing her happy birthday. At this point the great emotional toll has taken, my thoughts became poisonous, thank god for junwei and hazel being there.

Why do I still try to invest in old friends when I already have my family and my current group of friends? I know I welcome too few people into my life permanently. I can in a moment burn the bridges behind me and of any guyfriend who tries and fails, but I can't do that to my old girlfriends.

Maybe I should. So when I think of our happy past, I won't remember all the times I tried reaching out only to have you piss on my efforts. But even saying this now, I know doubtlessly that if you all returned, I'll forget everything wrong you've done to me and ask you to stay longer this time a'round.

Maybe that's how I am. People I love, used to and now, can set fire to my legs and I'll just ask them to bring poker cards when they visit me handicapped in a hospital. What a depressing image but I've digressed.

All I need is my family and my 4am friends, everyone else can fuck off.

Self-study date for em3a.





Went downstairs my place and studied by myself.

Ended up doing a grand total of 2 questions and sending videos to hazel and she sent hers back to hahah we are so boliao. The happy birthday drawing is done by my artist of a brother. Is he talented or what! Polaroids are from taiwan, the resort we couldn't damning sleep at.

Anyway today I stayed up from 1am to 5am studying for em3a and I covered the whole syllabus in 4 short hours. Can you believe it. I could be passing one entire sem at a time in just one night, the same night I usually abuse to get wasted and dance away.

Oh well so deep and useless thoughts aside, I did finish everything and this was supposed to be for 15th's but THE EXAM WAS MOTHERF!!KING EASY! I could save america do my hair fix my shoes and still have too much time for the damned paper.

THANK YOU GODS OF ENGINEERING, PLEASE REPLAY AND REPEAT FOR MY PAPER ON FRIDAY THANK YOU SO MUCH I'LL BURN COMPONENTS AND SPARE LAPTOP PARTS FOR OFFERINGS.

Happy day thanks to my happy grade.

Today was supper with benjamin and belated wishes from alvin on his bike.



I do a million things to myself.

Of all, I let myself go through our photos, I let my mouse hover and I let the pain sink into me and I let the guilt wash over me and I feel like I've been asleep for the longest time and this pain has finally awoken me.

But at the same time, I feel like everything I've been living for thus far is the most numbing shit ever. And all I do is wait around for wednesdays and fridays where I can club all these disenchanting feelings away then depress myself to death at night what the fuck.

Need to find a purpose.

Today I am 19.

And this year, I celebrated it by being in a near comatose state for 8 hours thanks to last night hahaha, then woke up perfectly sober and excited to spend it with my family. Too little photos but t'was a good day :)





Went to gardens by the bay!

I had thought we'll see beautiful flowers and everything but it was just a big structure that look vaguely like a tree and a lot of mosquitoes and stairwells. My baby brother was being a little artist and sitting around drawing what he saw while my dad insisted he wanted to draw too hahah.

I was generally just looking at the views but there were really little of it. The place is quite dry. So I decided to bring all of them into the andy warhol thing and pray that they'll love it as much as I did! Not before my mum took photos of everything though.













The 2nd last excellent shot was my baby brother's! Picture perfect.

My dad found out about my thigh tattoo there so I braced myself for his shouting but thankfully it's my birthday so he resisted. SO YAY I CAN WEAR MY MINI SHORTS AT HOME AGAIN! JOY BE TO ME.

We temporarily digressed at a wishing well where we basically threw every last coin we had into it, each of us trying to aim for a pothole in the middle hahaha. I made my birthday wish with my candles and this and hopefully this double-up means it'll come true (fingers crossed!)







My family did not enjoy it (sigh.)

I noticed things I skipped past just yesterday and I was really having a good time reliving every portrait but my mum and dad were in a great rush so we didn't stay too long. Had a good dinner afterwards and went home with a bad headache but smiley nonetheless.

Thank you universe for a peaceful 19th, please hear my prayer :)