I want to write something.

There's a lot of thoughts I'd like to pin down but due to all these uncalled problems, I've been delaying and delaying and it ends up to right now, where I'm in a state of great confusion all the time.

But I guess it's fine. If I do survive this, I know it's because I've finally learnt to comfort myself and be alone and depend on no one else for anything.

I don't even know how to start.

I guess, first of all, to S; 

Knowing you, having you and finally forgetting you in a span of 2 years have changed me more than any other event in my life. I have learnt so many things from you, the most important of all how to love. Because of you, I found my reservoir of love I never knew existed. Because of you, I see the world smaller and easier, where family and friends and you were all I need to live. Because of you, I learnt what it is to sacrifice, accept and let go. You made me the happiest girl in my world with the smallest, most non-intentional things you do, you sucked my soul dry with the most nonchalant words and actions. All these in 2 years. Isn't it happy for us that when we think about our past together, we forgot what our fights are about but we remember a love? The little scar in your tattoo I scratched off, your gumful smile, your little eyes. I'll forever hold dear to me all the things you've ever said that made me smile. Like a tattoo, in your words, I'll truly be branded for life. You were truly a white knight in my darkest times. My membership was you was something I always thought would be renewable and lifetime. But I guess no longer. Not today, not now, not ever again.

And second, to E; 

The only person I ever loved after him. How do I even try to put it in a little paragraph, all the things you ever made me feel? You are an amazing man. You love with all your heart. You care with everything you have. You are the most vivacious, most handsome, most extraordinarily talented man I ever knew. It is so safe, so absolutely sure to say that I'll never be able to do any better than you. I've told you before, you have the kind of smile that'll make a girl's heart melt into pink sugar. The silly way you are around my baby brother, the cheeky way you are around my sister, the fun-loving way you are around my friends, the warmness you are around my family. How do I continue? You really were a gift, sent from a higher power to come and better my life. 6 long years I've known you, yet I never actually realized the man you could be. You are the most vibrant person I ever knew, yet also the most insecure, and I was so consumed in my own misery to see that I left when you needed me the most. When I remember us, I remember most fondly you tucking me into sleep one day after I dozed off hearing your stories. But I was awake enough, clear enough, and I felt deeply enough to finally tell you, "I love you." and it made me smile so endearingly hearing you pounce around the room in confusion. Who knew I could have that effect on you, you silly big teddy. But this is where our relationship ends I guess. I can never make you feel that way again. Not today, not now.

Glad to get all that off.

Well, I'm off to get my accounts back!