Breakfast with my sister and retainee friends, beautiful way to start the day hahah thank god for family and friends. Also thank god for a short day in school.

Caught inception again at home.

Cobb: I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.

Cobb: I can't stay with her anymore because she doesn't exist.
Mal: I'm the only thing you do believe in anymore.
Cobb: I wish. I wish more than anything. But I can't imagine you with all your complexity, all you perfection, all your imperfection. Look at you. You are just a shade of my real wife. You're the best I can do; but I'm sorry, you are just not good enough.

What a hauntingly, stunningly beautiful show.

Doesn't this epitomize my every relationship? I always try to go back to people I love but I can never stay. What he was is a man who used to be my universe, my everything. What he is now is too colorless, too inadequate, what he is now is not good enough for me.

What he is now, is somebody that I used to love.
We had our blissful time together, and now it's time to move on to my next chapter.

"She laid content in his arms.

She was drained from the day, another endless drone of things that won't matter a year from now. She was drained from the night before, another night wasted on a dead and gone dream. She was drained from how life seems to always demand her to tap into every reservoir of energy she has, how it draws her into an endless cycle of vicious messes. She was drained, of all, by her confusion.

But it was days like these where the world doesn't matter, where the universe goes into black and white and all that is acutely present and wildly colored is the bed-sheets of his abode and the colors of their hair.

Still, in a sleep-desperate state, she smiled giddily at her lover and poked him lightly in his chest. They were talking about everything and nothing, they composed songs that made no sense, they played and tickled and fought. How absolutely darling, a little voice in her head cooed.

Time has strange powers. It creeps up on you slowly before pouncing onto you, reminding you that what was the sweetest window of time of your life is now His to claim and His to dissolve slowly with hazy memory. It greets like a devil and parts like a gentleman, your time stolen and now safely in his bowler hat.

Somewhere, maybe in Rotterdam, Time is slow and has not yet claimed his dues from the fined. How desperately she wished they could be there right now, reliving and relishing all these stolen moments again and again, denying and defying Time in his face, pissing over what abilities he thought he had.

But this was here and this is now, and others were calling -- it was time to go."

Would you read the rest of this?!

I'm so desperately in love with writing nonsense lately. Most of the nonsense in question are the ramblings of this blog la, and occasionally badly-thought-up bullshit I say to hazel to annoy her before realizing some truth in it and having an epiphany that I'm a genius hahaha.

I truly cannot recall where I went today, but it's probably some food place with Jon (I tried my first ever cai tao kuay and it's not bad) and then to Hazel after because somehow I have a palm gardens check-in. God please have mercy on my memory.

Today was bugis with the sister.

Was heavily pissed at first thanks to a mis-arrangement with my sister's album sellers and was even more pissed thanks to the weather and how my heels were murdering me. But thank god we are all reasonable people and a compromise was reached.

As it is my new-found hobby, I spent most of the time around the shops talking to shopkeepers and feeding my once again new-found wardrobe selection, florals (and tribals)! Never had the chance to try because I didn't know they allow fitting, but I have since fell in love.











Behold my new shoes!

I have a fanatical weakness for mens' shoes and menswear and WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BOYFRIEND TO DRESS UP but anyway since I am now my own man I finally bought my first ever mounted men's cut inspired shoes yay.



This picture is up for no absolute reason at all.

Wanted to salvage my narcissism and claim this is to promote my new clutch with the words "sealed with a kiss" which is a reminder of my sec 2 years and god knows I love dainty pretty reminders but meh, LOOK AT HOW SKINNY I LOOK!

Please do not be deluded by this picture and assume the write of this space is skinny. Nonetheless, note to self, wear more complimentary dark shades and immortalize this outfit into my Wardrobe Wall of Fame.

Hi I like my outfit for today so much I wanna box you with my clutch.

I am now an amateur demin connoisseur!

Today was my first time entering the demin store @ mandarin gallery, and it was an eye-opener for me. I never knew demin jeans came in so many strange forms and terms. Jon was really into explaining them for me and I subsequently explored the rest myself.

It's particularly painful to browse through their viewing shelf since every size was a 24. The place feels like it's tailored for me. 24 24 24 24 24 highwaist shorts demin jeans colored jeans nudie april 77 cheap mondays 24 24 24 24 24 I WANT.

Night was watching The Truman Show with my sister and that show gave me chills at all the weirdest scenes. Nts, please go beg borrow or steal the following: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, The Alchemist, The Host.

Life feels.. settling. I've gotten such bad news regarding a certain matter. It seems that my life really is a precarious balance. My maker tries to ruin me then gives me something to live for, then probably takes it away and gives me a new messed up situation then somehow gives me good new hope again.

So I shall fight.

I satisfied my craving for Hello @ Bukit Timah Shopping Centre finally.

Hahah food besides, today was pool with jason and pretty much it. Had dinner plans and rebel plans with reiko AHHH I'M STILL REGRETTING NOT GOING. But I don't know how to describe it. I guess I'm hungry for a bigger experience than just clubbing.

Tonight is a night of reflections.

It seems like there's never a point of time where my life is in absolute peace. Things are always unstable, threatening to change, volatile. Would I say I wouldn't give this up for the world? I don't know.

Sleep has been extremely elusive. I'm turning into a devoted insomniac. These days are all sleeping at 3am with a lot of morning grouchiness after. Also I've been seemingly drinking more lately than ever, it's a habit I do not actually wish to curb but ah for the better.

My heart isn't speaking to me. I'm pretty sure I know what I want, but I don't know how to to continue despite my very desperate attempts at convincing myself that I can. But I guess it's fine, I'm not in a rush to head anywhere.

I enjoy being in a state of self-induced sadness tremendously. 

Sadness is so reliable, so available, so present. People don't understand and they'll give me patronizing crap on cheering up, but don't you see, I don't want to. I am content in my sadness.

Maybe it's because I've outlasted the worst of this world, so when I'm happy, it really feels as if the universe loves me again. To me, it is only when you've survived the depths of Hell do you enjoy a new, refreshingly beatific realm of happiness when it comes.

Signing off,
A mini spark with so much love x

Drinking pre-singing is not cool for your voice.

My voice was basically crackling, I was breathless and also fucking dizzy by my first shot. This is the part where I don't understand my body. At clubs TAR AH COME AH FREE DRINKS AH TAR TAR TAR.

Outside of club one glass dooms me. Sigh.

Met dawn's friend xavier and jason came too, had a good time singing together! Was really awkward and strange okay la things get reasonably alright after our drinking games all.

Had pool afterwards and my babe belinda came to join, pool was quick and afterwards we headed to the kbox balcony to chill. What a wonderful place to stay around past dusk. I love discovering new chill-out places, much as I hate that word.

Hazel and jason left early so much of the dusk was me, belinda and xavier talking about everything from xavier's business etiquette class to my amsterdam dreams to belinda's drunk misadventures till 2.30am. Half the time I was pretty distracted though, the view was too amazing.

Choa chu kang is beautiful at night.

Happy birthday syahirah!

I was semi-red from my first tequila already.

I don't know if it's just me or this really works, but sipping alcohol slowly while singing apparently opens up your voicebox. Not in a shot though because it backfires, as I will find out later hahah.

Celebrated with japanese songs for the 1st 3 hours then jason came and joined, sung another 3 hours. So in together, we the supergirls spent 6 full hours in kbox singing everything we have out hahaha. That's 1/4 out an actual full day.



To the invented national tequila day :)

Morning was a waste of my time.



But at least had a good and funny chat with my mum!

Went to lot1 with her after chatting for a good 2 hour bus trip and my mum hates money hahah. She basically bought something from every single eatery in lot 1. Especially taohuey and pastries. Good luck not getting fat nicole.

Studied with jason a little and headed over to hazel's!






A lot of feet shots ah hahah.

Was half dozing off half the time with them because of my recent late nights and yinghui spent a long time on my nails which meant SLEEP TIME so I was mainly waking up midway messing up nails and shit ahhh sorry!

Then went downstairs to buy something and I stopped and relaxed by myself by the pool. God words can never describe how much I love palm gardens. The view at any time, from any angle, is beautiful. Peaceful and absolutely happy. I could do with a book or a drink here.

Tengyi came over after dinner and we sat awkwardly around hahah. Also nikki is now making me her bitch because I give her food and I don't mess with her head like hazel does. To prove our love, she has scratched me on both my legs. Good job girl!

Home happy!

"But then I feel guilty for wanting to avoid the sadness; the dead needs us to remember them, even if it eats us, even if all we can do is say I'm sorry until it is as meaningless as air." — Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveller's Wife

This book taught me too much.

Today's a damned good day and a great reminder of my participation in an affair that was bigger than myself and this universe. I don't think the world knows enough how I think of you, I don't think this world will ever be satiated in it's hunger for you, and I don't think you yourself know the Adonis you are to me. You truly took my breath away when I saw you today.



Shy sidenote: It feels like I'm constantly out of words to tell you how much of a metaphysical perfection you are, you're truly God's favourite toy. How else can there be any higher realm of stunning when you've optimized all 180cm of you?

Being with you really guarantees a blessed day.

Headed home after a great spent day and walked around lot1 by myself, talked to aunties and found weird food and basically spent a good time with myself. I should do that more often at the risk of appearing crazed.

Also because I was in a rush, I had to take a cab. And so for the first time in my life, I had a long, meaningful and absolutely intended cabbie talk! He seems like a very smart man, drawing inferences about my family from my personality. NOT SMART ENOUGH TO TAKE A $15 ROUTE THOUGH >:(



Digressing, perfect views with a perfect you.

Of late, I like to explore places. I like to go to high spots and make myself comfortable. There's something about mid-dusk skies and good company that's highly addictive. Makes me realize again and again with varying clarity how small this world is.

I don't know why I feel this way, but I like very much how I am now. I have time, I have friends, I have special friends, I have my family, I have things I like to do. I feel devastatingly broken when things go wrong and I'm alone, but I feel refreshingly powerful when I fix it or get over it myself without help.

I don't like to taint my blog with dis-pleasantries, but lately it seems that people in my life are demanding too much out of me. Demanding answers, demanding efforts, demanding time, demanding possesion, demanding demanding demanding. So here's the guide to me.

1) I hate feeling like I'm obligated.

I don't need to bother with your problems nor your insecurities nor your demands. Whatever you are facing means batshit to me. It's painstakingly plain that you are no priority in my life -- so back off. Men are built to be strong, damning survive your issues, don't expect me to help.

2) I hate feeling like my decisions are made for me

My relationship decisions are set in stone; they are crisp, to the point, and a sentence. I have tasted a god for an ex-boyfriend and I'm hungry for nothing less, don't ponder what ifs. There is no situation to better your question -- it's just a a simple matter of me choosing between no, fuck no, oh no, sorry no, um no, but no, really no, motherfucking get it into your head no.

3) I hate being a property

I don't belong to anyone, and I definitely will not stoop to letting myself belong to people I want out of my life. I think I'm pretty damned clear with my personality. I like being free, being untimely. Hell if I'll answer to you, even my parents don't ask that of you, who the fuck are you?

4) I hate being assumed I'm stupid

The last thing you want to happen is for me to understand whatever you're doing better than you do. Say your terms and give me your theories, there will be no incomprehension. I enjoy knowledge, and thankfully I'm gifted with common sense so do not ever assume lowly of me. It'll be the stupidest thing you can do.

{line break}

I saw this tweet on my list.

Something about why be a good guy when all girls want are bad guys, aka "fuckers".

Son, this is the truest sentence you'll ever see: Bad boys are what they are because they can afford to. Being a "fucker" is expensive membership. Do you know what with they sign up? With their looks, with their bodies, with their charm. Can you pay for all that?  

This is really clear man, I don't know why no one else sees it.

Besides the occasional exceptions, have you ever seen a destitute man or a less than average guy getting fought for? Isn't it every other handsome stunner that's causing fights and heartbreaks in their paths of destruction?

This world is beautiful and because it is so, it is addicted to the beautiful. It gives them more than they'll ever need. Anybody will be omnipotent with beauty and charm. And of course, normal mortals like us will try with all our lives to have them.

Sexy men, handsome men, charming men can afford to be personality defected because they are delicious in whatever they do. If a dude can look good killing an ant, he's going to look good treating you as if you're disposable, and he's definitely going to look good on your "guys who can treat me like absolute shit but I'd still run over my parents for" list.

So yeah man, moral of the story, know your place.

Shortest jog I've had in a while, which led to me renting the best movie I've watched in a longer while.

I love V for Vendetta.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." - V, V for Vendetta

This was a fucking good movie.

You know this movie is really good because there's no other way to describe it except with expletives. I never realized how much cinematography mattered to me till lately and this show embodies everything I deem perfect in a movie.

I searched endlessly about it afterwards, there is beauty and sadness perfectly captured, there is a great hair-standing moment, there is self-pride/ nation pride/ love pride, and there are timeless speeches.

Anyway, afterwards was me trying to learn mayday parade.



Sister's photography skills is yi ji bang hahah.

Basically I tried la but I'm not very good at it, plus my short fingers makes everything difficult and I had no guitar pick! and other whiny complaints to make up for my lacketh of skills on my guitar sigh, shall keep practicing.



Went to hazel's after and she used me and tengyi as her slaves for a bit before we started getting bored and playing around. I tried her violin and now I can play like the first verse of ba ba black sheep hahah.

Chatted by the pool for a bit then rushed homeee.

"Hi nicole, why are you so cold
Do you need a sweater, or just a big heater?
Let me introduce, my name is xxx
Yea I'm offering you my sweater, the one I worn


Wait a minute
Don't try to hide, cos I seen it
You are smelling, the scent I'm wearing
It's mostly natural, with a hint of spice
I hope you think, that it smells nice
It's rainy out there, so you might wanna wait
Chill with me, till the showers abate


I see you are impressed, with my articulation
Mainpulation of words and their relation
It's probably one of my talents that came from my behind
I use that sometimes, instead of my mind
So 1 more talent down, 71 to go
I do wonder, what's next that you'll find


Now how rude
That you went offline"

#perksofhavingpoeticallyfluentsqueezes

"When we met I was wrecked, blasted and damned, and I am slowly pulling myself together because I can see that you're a human being and I would like to be one too."

— Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveller's Wife

I finished this book last night.

Stayed up especially so I'll finish it, pretty much teared all the way through the ending. Books like these really grow you as a person. Reminds you that the world is much bigger yet smaller than it seems. Much bigger because there's so much more to be hungry for -- cultures and languages and music and beauty. Much smaller because there's so little that can be important and treasured forever -- family, friends, lovers.

I think I have an addiction to beauty and sadness, and the picturesque ending of them combined.

Anyway, today was my unofficial day off school!
And of course I spent it with my new boyfriend/ girlfriend Hazel Khoo.

Was asleep when hazel reached bpp so the angry little girl decided to punish me by insisting I should buy her these $1 treats in a cup. So I did la, I've been spending mindlessly on food with friends man. So anyway.



This is me being bored out of my damn mind.

I had 1 cup and 2 sticks and she was going on about things I either was bored with or I wanted to annoy her or something but I got serious about balancing the cup and finally did it by breaking one of the sticks hahaha VICTORY!















I love this series of photos.

It's so colorful and flowery and she was in a dress and I was in a frock and I had a great weekend to look forward to and I generally love spending time with hazel so the pictures all turned out so pretty and vibrant!

Stupid girl had to buy groceries before our shopping so she ended up with a lot of bags and because she's a princess, I carried everything for her while she bounced around and took forever shopping for things SHE'LL NEVER NEED!

By the 2nd hour I was crying into our trolley and begging God for mercy and demanding from hazel to know am I going to die here waiting for her to be done and she cruelly laughed at me and took ANOTHER DAMNED HOUR IN DAISO.

Women.



And my favourite shot of the day :)

Spent the later part of the night at my place with my guitar then with my nail polish then on polaroids and neoprints and god girls are really good at wasting time. Sent her home because I've attained the holy level of hazelguard.

Saw an old man slowly walking with a lot of stuff and asked him if he needed help in uncertain hokkien. He responded in very fluent English, saying it's okay, he's very near home and thank you very much, what's my name, where do I live, how can I jog so late (it was 11.30pm). Interesting conversation.

Jogged home thinking about nothing in particular.

Home was slightly good for a bit till my baby brother had a little heart quickening issue and my parents and him left for the hospital, leaving me desperately worried and MAD WITH FURY at the clinic who gave him heart starter medicine knn I will fucking tear the place down at the expense of my future.

Felt unreasonably better after skyping with J and now, I shall go read my daily dose of enlightenment then go do up birthday gifts and cards then go spend a little time recalling my guitar and start on my book.

Be fine baby brother :(

Today was one of the better days I've had in a while.

Oh yes and I've finally done 3 out of 3 of my to-do list! I've finally gotten my guitar strings, I've finally pierced my left ear tip, and I've found 2 more good books to read in class when I'm bored. Life's good!

Met gh and had a good time singing at ktv, headed over to meet alfonso before he enlisted! I think great world city will always be an enchantment to me. The sweetest first-date memories this small place holds. Well anyway!



This is soon-to-be army boy savoring his last few days as a civilian!

He took a better picture but accidentally deleted it himself and he was adorably mad over it hahah. Headed around trying to explore the place, ended up walking to zouk with him crazed enough to want to go tonight but decided against it, walked to this desolate block instead.

I think I'm a very stupid explorer. Well anyway I was exploring the flats, they had all these boarded up windows and doors with "REPOSESSION BY GOVT" notices on it, it was all very interesting. I tried to peek through a window but changed my mind!

I wouldn't have noticed the blocks at all until he told me to look, that in the blocks around us, there's only 6 lit rooms per block. I think those are really residents who want to stay in this place to their graves literally.

The re-possesion notice was dated 26 February 2012, what a long time this place has waited.

So anyway, because I've the best damned boy friend in the world, tengyi decided to come to gwc as I couldn't get to holland v on time or at all since I've recently become very bad with directions. And the poor dude ended up just accompanying me home awww.



And this is how I'll forever remember him as hahah SO PRECIOUS!

Headed over to the esso at my place and got a lot of weird food and camped downstairs a block having a very fun supper. Basically it was Tengyi the Really Recognised Psychiatric analyzing what's wrong with me hahaha what a list.

A cab came and he left, very adorably waving goodbye in his seat hahah. I can't believe this is really all I have left! I have like what, maybe only 4 platonic guy friends? And I just met the 2 I love the most awww.

I can't wait for this weekend, I wonder what J has lying in store for me ♥

"How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode."

— W. Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil

Today I worked in Ngee Ann!

Hahah it was pretty cool, went around introducing this Klii app and made $30 in what, 2 hours? Easy stuff! Met katherine from sma, and met an interior designer from la selle -- realized you can really tell people and their schools' apart from just their faces.

Me and katherine shamelessly advertising for Klii hahah.

Pretty sure we hit the target downloads for that day anyway! Anyway I cannot stop fawning over the picture because I LOOK REALLY SKINNY HAHAH. I shall wear this outfit for the rest of Time. Also I really need to change my hair color.

Today was my hazel night again!

Was supposed to go over and paint but we were too lazy so last minute decided to go swim instead. Then got lazy to actually swim so we chilled at the jacuzzi. Then got too lazy to chill so we slept at the steam room hahaha the laziness of us.



Palm gardens is truly my second home.

Bathed together and then ran to kfc keat hong before it closed, shared a 2 piece meal hahaha. Then showed her my new jogging technique and now she has a threat over me jialat. Then finally did our wishes thing!





It was a little magical.

So magical oh my gosh. So me and hazel got really serious after this revelation. Wrote a lot of serious stuff first, then funny stuff, then really close-to-heart stuff, then really weird stuff hahah.

Dear Up Above,

Please read my list, please feel all the sincerity in it and please grant me them. I'll be the best person I can be, I'll work extra hard in any way possible for my list to be note-worthy. My wishes you can slight, but please grant what I wished for the people I love. My family, my friends, my ex-lovers, please. Thank you.

Nicole.

Twitter finally @minkole, better luck this time please!

Of late, I've been blessed with good music from the likes of The Cab and Mayday Parade, and it makes me feel very fortunate that I'm able to enjoy good music. I wish I could find a little pub around that plays songs like these and I could just sit there and sing along with my friends while drinking lonely shots heh heh heh.

Well anyway, I know I'm supposed be glad for everything in my life but this is really not a good time to try my thankfulness. Dear Internet Gods, please accept my offer. Give me just my Facebook account back and I'll edit every wrong Wikipedia entry and help you demolish the abomination that is Stomp.

Also I'm promised Bangkok in september OH YES.

Reading the Time Traveller's Wife has made me see love very strangely. 

I am loneliest past 12am and before 11am. I never could imagine a life, a time when I'm single. To be unloved and forgotten is hell to me. Give me pain and give me misery of the ones in love, I'll take them all. Give me indifference and give me "last seen online.. but not replying you" and I'll snap. Being single has made me very hardworking and very lazy. I pick up hobbies, I while my days away just being on whatsapp. But of all, it has taught me that to be alone can be a very happy comfort.

I read my newly borrowed book at a unmarked beverage booth, I have a wonderful lunch with my vibrant friends especially when Siewsia is there. I have a good time trying strange new alcohol alone, I have a blast flying through Shoppes on belinda's back with our heels in our hands. I have a quiet table in the library listening to my gorgeous music, I have a perfect date with hazel and tengyi just sitting around having mid-dusk talks.

I guess life is a balance, a balance I'm hanging very precariously on.

Today was my family day!



Spent a bit of time running just below dinner time! Apparently my parents and baby brother ran 1 round and went home, my sister ran 2 rounds and headed home, leaving me to cover 3 rounds by myself confused and running in weird circles looking for them hahah.

Then sinned during dinner with anderson's cookies and cream so went for another round. Hazel asked me for my wildly impressive painting skills for her wall last minute and I ran midway to her condo before she postponed it to tomorrow :/

Can't wait to paint!

Also I goddamn love the adrenaline high running gives me.

Today was a good day.

Headed over to lucky canvas intending to touch up on my tattoo but they were full, wanted to switch studios but didn't at the insistence of J, decided not to and instead walked around clarke quay and harbourfront. Had a good time just letting the day pass by.

Oh and we shared 2 cabs, and in both cabs, he was attentive and very inquisitive, which meant very good conversation fodder for me. One of them was a grandpa of 7 kids, and the one an ex-SQ cabin crew. It's amazing how people open up so easily to him.



Reached home early, finished another oscar wilde before I slept.

I realize the 2 things in the world that enlightens me are songs in other languages/ dialects and books of any kind. I've always been repelled by romance and self-improvement books, but lately it seems all the best books are along those genre.

Caught up with the clique at lunch :)

I love having lunch with my friends so damned much. I love to be around people I love and lunch is such a good time. Hahah went to accompany alvin for his smoke break and I can't believe he's all grown up now awww, being a cisco officer in charge of drug smugglers and prostitution all.

Anyway, thanks to junwei's chattiness, I found out our cabbie was the pilot architect for Ngee Ann's bus stop roof and the entrance. Also found out our construction industry is dying.

Hahah but to much light-hearted topic, was at ktv with his friend and hazel. Wasn't that bad an experience but anyway, my shoe broke midway when I tripped over a step and I had to tiptoe around barefoot to not risk my height exposure. Borrowed his slippers but decided against wearing them home.

Happy birthday to the most beautiful grandma in the world :)



I shall get busy on my birthday card!

Woke up forgetting school.

Spent quite a bit of time with my grandma today. Had a very nice chat with her and I honestly hope kiasu-ness won't run in my blood the minute I clock in 60 years old. I love her so much but she can really take a cashier's life hahah.

Spent a bit of time reading "The Time Traveller's Wife", lookin' good.

Tonight was Avalon x butter x zirca x rebel!

Avalon and butter were alright first I guess? Got very tipsy and dizzy from all the alcohol and cigarettes. Me and belinda were pretty much high as kites and god I hope there are no pictures at all from tonight. God let the camera melt.

Running across the shoppes barefooted and getting piggy-backed by belinda was my happiest highlight of the night hahah she's such a precious. Cabbed around club-hopping but things screwed up so stayed in butter till dory and belinda left.







Oh and I saw alfonso, mayson and glen!

That aside, me and hazel pretty much waited around butter for a bit for dory and when she didn't come, we rushed off to rebel to have a perfect closure hahah but at this point of time it was mainly hazel having all the fun in the world while I just watched over her I guess.

Texted her all the way to bed and she seemed really seemed really baked and I've never been happier for her hahah but for me it's a bad experience man. 2nd time this month I'm sober mid-week. Ah well, sober is good I guess.

I probably won't be back anytime soon :(

I want to write something.

There's a lot of thoughts I'd like to pin down but due to all these uncalled problems, I've been delaying and delaying and it ends up to right now, where I'm in a state of great confusion all the time.

But I guess it's fine. If I do survive this, I know it's because I've finally learnt to comfort myself and be alone and depend on no one else for anything.

I don't even know how to start.

I guess, first of all, to S; 

Knowing you, having you and finally forgetting you in a span of 2 years have changed me more than any other event in my life. I have learnt so many things from you, the most important of all how to love. Because of you, I found my reservoir of love I never knew existed. Because of you, I see the world smaller and easier, where family and friends and you were all I need to live. Because of you, I learnt what it is to sacrifice, accept and let go. You made me the happiest girl in my world with the smallest, most non-intentional things you do, you sucked my soul dry with the most nonchalant words and actions. All these in 2 years. Isn't it happy for us that when we think about our past together, we forgot what our fights are about but we remember a love? The little scar in your tattoo I scratched off, your gumful smile, your little eyes. I'll forever hold dear to me all the things you've ever said that made me smile. Like a tattoo, in your words, I'll truly be branded for life. You were truly a white knight in my darkest times. My membership was you was something I always thought would be renewable and lifetime. But I guess no longer. Not today, not now, not ever again.

And second, to E; 

The only person I ever loved after him. How do I even try to put it in a little paragraph, all the things you ever made me feel? You are an amazing man. You love with all your heart. You care with everything you have. You are the most vivacious, most handsome, most extraordinarily talented man I ever knew. It is so safe, so absolutely sure to say that I'll never be able to do any better than you. I've told you before, you have the kind of smile that'll make a girl's heart melt into pink sugar. The silly way you are around my baby brother, the cheeky way you are around my sister, the fun-loving way you are around my friends, the warmness you are around my family. How do I continue? You really were a gift, sent from a higher power to come and better my life. 6 long years I've known you, yet I never actually realized the man you could be. You are the most vibrant person I ever knew, yet also the most insecure, and I was so consumed in my own misery to see that I left when you needed me the most. When I remember us, I remember most fondly you tucking me into sleep one day after I dozed off hearing your stories. But I was awake enough, clear enough, and I felt deeply enough to finally tell you, "I love you." and it made me smile so endearingly hearing you pounce around the room in confusion. Who knew I could have that effect on you, you silly big teddy. But this is where our relationship ends I guess. I can never make you feel that way again. Not today, not now.

Glad to get all that off.

Well, I'm off to get my accounts back!

Today was school, headed over to amk with junwei, him to go greet his courts masters hahah and me to get movie and lunch with alfonso. Poor dude is enlisting soon aww, the same time as his alter ego Leetuk hahah.

Had a sad chat then headed over to meet tengyi for supper, enjoyed a very interesting insight into this newly certified conseller. This world needs to brace itself! Headed over to hazel together because I'm the best damned friend in the world who brings her lonely best friend new friends hahah.

Turned out to be one of the best, funniest, sweetest and most reminiscent nights of my life. :)

"But baby there you again, there you again making me love you
Yeah I stopped using my head, using my head let it all go
Got you stuck on my body, on my body like a tattoo
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid crawling back to you
So I cross my heart, and I hope to die, that I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I've said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night"

- Maroon 5, One More Night

Been on replay, along with the cab and mayday parade. Well anyway had a good company for a good breakfast and my day was nicely concluded, headed over to hazel's afterwards with guohao intending to finish her bailey's but her dad beat us to it.

Had a nice chat by the pool, we survived a rainstorm hahah.



I miss you our pretty giant, we'll plan a good 19th's for you!

Today was a very happy day!

Spent my morning jogging with my sister for a bit and whoa she is in better shape than I expected. All the years of chasing the elusive 975 paid off. And I'm so crazily out of shape hahaha. I hope we make a habit out of this.

Finally caught up with siewsia!

I miss her so terribly and I'm really terrified of this drift and I think I'll most probably be ready to head to church next saturday just to spend more time with her. :( But we caught up and awww I still love her very much.





Spent the next half of the day out with my family in my ridiculously bright mini dress and ridiculously kiddy bracelet hahah but I love it.

My dad and mum are adorableee. We ate at this new Kungfu Paradise place and they're so different in how they conduct themselves hahah. And my baby brother is just a crybaby. And my sister has a lot of cute ideas!

Spent the better half of my night drinking with this woman. Blooie's is getting pricey so I think this will probably be the last time we'll be here but still! Good night good night!

This must be the 1st time I'm single with hazel hahah.

Thank you whoever for all the angels in my life :)

Today was a strange day.

Well I caught Prometheus again and this time it made a lot more sense. And today my little nails are all red and they look very delicious hahah I love them. Also tonight is the first Thursday I've been sober in 3 weeks, but I truly wished I wasn't.

What a lucky tattoo -- I'm your owner and I'm jealous of you. 

Also I'm into the last season of The Nanny and I cried at 3 parts of one single episode. The 1st was when Mr. Sheffield told Fran he loves her, the 2nd was when he talked to his widow lovingly about Fran, and the 3rd when he finally proposed to Fran. Mark of a good show, it draws tears as much as laughter.

The loveliest quote I've ever had the pleasure of reading:

"We had one of those almost collisions complete strangers have. We stopped and stood there so as not to collide. It happened so fast, barely time to react. Still there was time. It happened in an instant yet time stopped all together. 10:00 AM on April 2nd. ‘Excuse me,’ and like that, our paths diverged. What an intense brief moment in life. I can still recall the color of your hoodie, the color of your gloves, your cup of coffee, the fact you weren’t wearing a jacket, the streetwise seller, and the sun before the rain."
— Sophia Blackall, Missed Connections

I'm going to start a reading list and finish it soon. Hello my therapy.

Hello world.

Because hazel's house has become my 2nd abode too, I spent my day off school with her and not swimming because the stupid woman was too lazy. Re-picked up the guitar, been meaning too but never found a teacher so yay happy girl!

Looks good ah but I barely learnt 2 songs yet hahah.

We have identical guitars! Heh I'm gonna go home and re-string mine then glam it up, looks so awfully plain. And maybe in due time we could finally jam together AHHH MY WISHLIST OF THE YEAR.

My reds.

Happy girls!

Headed over to zirca afterwards, was pissed and lost on the way there (thank you choa chu kang for being further away than fucking malaysia) and somehow managed to bump into guohao and sheila's friends gave me a ride so thank you all!

Zirca and rebel were really only alright, caught up with jevis at least! Night was pretty tame, cabbed home and stayed on the phone with hazel all the way home, silly girl was listening to all my atrocious complaints awww I love her.

Lied on my bed the most sober I've ever been in the mid-week of this whole month. And I never realised how much I hated being sober. And how quickly and painfully my thoughts form when I'm not under alcohol.

Being sober is a torture like no other.

This will be a long, wordy post.

I've been on a very vulgar-free streak but ohhh this morning my perfect combo got ruined thanks to a quick, forgetful text message. Let me get this clear as if it's not fucking in your face already.

I'M THE BEST DAMNED FRIEND YOU CAN FIND IN THIS UNIVERSE.

Do you know why? Because I believe fanatically in loyalty. Loyalty to your friends, your family, people who mean something to you, and of all, loyal to people who were there for you, just once is enough.

Which is why friends and cousins can cut me off at random periods of time and when they come back, I am the one instead who desperately and quickly tries to pull back the broken bridges Time has happily ravaged through.

No effort on your side girls. Just come into my life and make a small effort to stay and I'll be there for you in a heartbeat.

A friend told me today that you only need one best friend, and I think my one best friend is really Hazel.

The only one who actually reciprocates and genuinely cares when I get into the constant trouble I have. The only one I'd probably do a quick jail term for for say, burning the face of whoever dares to disrespect her in the future.

It gets more and more clear that into the slower days of my 19 years, I'm lording my friends over everyone. I could cancel on anyone but family for them. My guy friends and boyfriends especially. I love you all equally but they are really my oxygen.

On one hand I'd name Hazel, Htate, Yinghui, Syahirah and Siewsia as people I'd really give the world for. And I wish with all of my heart that I had every single one of the rest of my girls back.

I'm too lazy to go on.

Also:

“I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I’ll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I’ll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.” — Lemony Snicket

Following a book-spiration tumblr is Decision of the Year 2012.

Renewed love for my crop tees and tiny shorts.

Sunday was spent with the most adorable little thing in the world.

He drooled on me and I made him fly like a G6 and I forgot he can't sit down again and plopped him on the bed and he lolled over again AHHH YOU PRECIOUS THING. Also he made a lot of cute baby talk you precious precious thing.

And watching Spiderman with my family! It was a really good show except that the uncle died twice. Also if I ever had a superhero boyfriend, I'll be damned if I ever let him go. Also I'm now very receptive to spider bites, come at me bro!