On my fami-lee

Of all the things I am thankful for in my life, there is none more deserving than my family and Gabriel.

Right now it doesn't seem like it because I've finally gotten my shit together, but a few years ago, I was a wreck. I was a rough train going at nuclear speed trying to find a collision worthy of my death. And I sought it in so many ways. I dated shit men and tried to kill myself over them. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy at the hands of a man who escaped the law. I did terrible things to supplement my income. I was a horrible, horrible person.

And I can't believe my family saw me through all that. I can't believe they were willing to rake up the astronomical fees needed for my lawyer. I can't believe my sister continued to pack my desk when I first left home to try to kill myself. I can't believe my brother called me his old sister through it all. I can't believe my grandma cleaned me up through my bile and held my shaking body till the paramedics came to her place to get me.

I couldn't believe any of it, because I would've given up on myself. But God mercy, they did. My entire family and relatives came together to pull me out of my schtick.

Now, I am stable. 

I go batshit crazy when Gabriel and I fight, but I no longer make any of the old mistakes I used to. Everything that I did before has led to today, where I have finally learnt the value of being a good human being and not being society's scum.

I love my family in a very strange way.

The way I love is love, with a tinge of guilt. I could stop and think about an old memory, of my 5 year old sister buying my 20 cents drawings with her pocket money and I'll weep. I could stop and remember how my grandma cleaning up my mess willingly when I angrily overturned a bowl of noodles she made after she saw me cry. I could stop and remember how my dad told me to not kill myself because our family is a fist, and losing any of us would mean we're broken and no longer strong. I could stop and remember how my mum came into my room when I was crying and just sat with me not saying a thing. I could remember my baby brother always coming to lie by me when I was crying.

But I don't love them out of guilt.

I love them because of the way they love, and I love them simply because I do. 

The guilt just comes often because all the pain I went through has made me invulnerable to everything that cut me before, and ironically, reopened the deepest recesses of my heart for my family.

At the beginning of our relationship, Gabriel mentioned one of the first things he realized about me was how filial I was. I visited my grandma weekly even though she was an hour away, and I would always have new anecdotes about her to share with him. I would rush home for family celebrations no matter how busy or what plans I have to give up. I would always pipe up about how my family would enjoy this or that whenever I was eating something nice or doing something fun.

I don't exactly have an answer for why I'm doing this post.

I guess I'm just counting my blessings.