To self-loving and better things

There are many things better than a relationship.

I could go back to my misery. I could go back to waking up tortured by all my demons and my regrets. I could go back to knowing there is safety in rejecting happiness. I could go back.

I could go back to stranger days. I could go back to days where I stay awake long enough to distract myself from bad thoughts. I could go back to odd hobbies and weird activities. I could go back.

I could go back to living harder. I could go back to not knowing why I exist and why am I not the shining example my parents wanted me to be. I could go back to understanding nothing is more motivating nor as destructive than self-hatred. I could go back.

But most of all, I should go back because where I once had the power to put myself in that misery, it has now become you who decides. You who decides if today is a good day for you to throw me back to hell.

And I  simply will not let you rule me anymore.

update:

Thank you for taking the time to unravel my pain and my misery, stitch by intricate stitch. 

Thank you for walking back and forth the entire esplanade just to look for me, even though I was being cold and unrelenting.

Thank you for patiently asking what's wrong and refusing to budge till I told you. Thank you for stopping in the middle of the memorial road just to let me cry quietly.

Thank you for holding my hand and saying the lamest jokes to cheer me up as we spun through the weirdest places to get back to the esplanade.

Thank you for sitting beside me in haagen dazs and getting me ice cream to lift my spirits. Thank you for cosying up to me and entertaining me with your puns and innuendos.

Thank you for sitting with me by the river and discussing our future with me. Thank you for passionately championing adoption and reassuring me that we will have kids to love no matter what.

Thank you for cabbing us to an inconvenient dinner even though you're full. Thank you for raving about how great my ass looked in this dress and insisting to take photos after photos of it just to convince me that I look fantastic. Thank you for telling me I looked too gorgeous to be angry with.





Thank you for murmuring about our future together as we cuddled. Thank you for asking me again and again to marry you as you eased into me. Thank you for loving me gently and kissing me senseless.

Thank you for asking if it's fine to play dota and proceeding to go crazy till 3am. Thank you for coming in bed after and making chit chat about events of the day. Thank you for holding my hand to sleep.

I wish I could say that I love you indescribably, but I can't because well I have the most poetic arsenal of words ever heh heh. I will never run out of ways to tell you how much I love you and I hope you never get tired of hearing them.

I love you my magic man.

Be mine always.