The truth?
The truth is I once dreamt about losing you. I woke up half relieved and half terrified. Terrified because I didn't want to lose someone like you. Relieved because if I lose you, then I have nothing more to be terrified of.
I'm very damaged. From my past, the incidents I told you about, the many people who I lost.
I don't suffer from depression, not that I believe, but I do have slight anxiety. I can sit here on this staircase talking to you normally but in my mind I have ran down this flight of stairs and leaped off this building a dozen times, each time in unbelievable happiness.
Lately when I wake up in the middle of the night, I get terrified to sleep again because I'm scared I'll die and I'll never wake up. But then there are days I pray for death in my sleep so I'll no longer need to be a disappointment in this world, to die with all my happy unhappiness.
There is a saying I once heard, about how you never tell people what you're scared of. Because your answer gives them power over you. And if your answer is them, then it gives them absolution over you.
And I am not one to fear.
So why am I still half terrified?
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