Do you understand my conundrum? Can you sense the storm raging inside me, threatening to rip me apart? Half of me wants all of you. The other half of me wants to run. And every day they argue over which side deserves its victory.
It's not that I don't love you. It's the way I never saw the end coming. It's the way a single, harmless incident lead to me and him falling apart. It's the way I remember begging him to stay. It's the way his gaze turned to ice seeing me in that pathetic sight. It's the way I would drift off to sleep dreaming of dying. It's the way I wish the space between my bed and the wall would turn into a hole and swallow me up. It's the way I knew I was finished.
It's not that I don't love you. It's the way I never knew what I had till I lost it. It's the way he came back to me thrice even though I shredded his heart without mercy. It's the way I spent the two years after that waking up with demons from the past, trying to suffocate me for what I did. It's the way I faced his rejection after my attempt to reach out. It's the way I knew there can never be another for me. It's the way I knew he was always the one.
It's not that I don't love you. It's the way I look at you and crumble at how painstakingly alike you are to both of them. It's the way you are the best of them both. It's the way I sensed that if I take this step, you woud be my world and my absolution and I would never stand for another again. It's the way I know how easily you'd be able to destroy me after that.
It's not that I don't love you, it's that I do.
My past will never stop plaguing me because my life is a series of little pleasures and small smiles held together by the guilt both of them have plunged me forever into. There can be no happiness for me, ever. Only temporary bliss.
"I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart."
Can you accept me, with all my past hanging over me like the ugliest omen known to Man?
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