MIDNIGHT STUDYING WITH SU AN IGNORE MY FACE.







We are not very functional when sleepy hahaha.

x

This is the kind of ache that eats onto itself.

I cannot find the right words. And any half-hearted attempt to describe it would not do justice. It feels like there's a gaping wound where my heart should be, and it feels like I'm content with my abyss.

I've been on track. I'm trying to be a good example to my kids. I'm trying to be the graddaughter they never had to the old folks. I'm trying to be the best friend I can be. I'm trying to be involved in the family. I'm trying to be the optimal Nicole that I want.

But the mirror mocks me.

There is no beauty in the vincible
Passionate sympathy at best
And even then, your expiry date beckons
Who do I think I am

Not enough.

I will laugh because I want you to laugh. I will smile because I want you to smile. And I will continue doing the happy I do to upkeep all of you who is important to me.

And when all who I love sleeps, I will let my demons tear my sanity apart.

All these postings look really tragic but I'm really a very cheery person. Like my friends know me for being very ridiculous and frivalously yoloing everything and being a great fun to be around (OH STOP IT YOU GUYS) and I think I want that image. If I can't be happy, at least let all I love be happy.

This depression comes when I'm alone.
Man I should be alone less.

Hm.

One more paper down!

That was one that went interestingly well. The essay was on friends so.. I think if I fail this, I will feel like I've disappointed hazel, yinghui, siewsia, kaiqin, belinda, su an, april and everyone else I love heh heh heh.

Lunch @ swenson's with su an after!:





Never eating at swenson's for anything but ice cream again.

Met up with the girls a bit later! Met tristal and finally saw the legendary jeraldine! Met hazel and her two girlfriends, faith and another name. Dear god my memory is terrible when I'm tipsy.

Bel and I were romantically drinking by the river when she told me she's never had a better girlfriend than me. Because "my other girlfriends tell me to quit smoking, but you buy packs for me."

I need to tell her to stop soon too what the fuck I am a horrible friend for not helping her get back on track. But once in a while won't kill. Okay not shut up Nicole, will get her to quit but hahah now is an ill time.

You are very important to me too darling, and you always will be :)



SELF-LOVE AS USUAL, SORRY READER.





Predictably bad quality photos.

Didn't manage to take with the other girls but they are super cute and one of them has the most fantastic figure and she's so friendly heh. The other is really shy so here's to you opening up one day babe!

I met really nice folks and I remember their names (YES MY MEMORY DOESN'T FAIL ME). Solomon and erwin. And with that it was a nicer night secured. With marcus very sweetly coming down with the rest to send me home after. I truly hope clementi mac's food was good hahah.

And I hope hazel and belinda are safe. :(

Haven't been so happy in a very long while. Thank god for alcohol.

So Harry found these on his unit's Facebook page!





Shy beyond measure and idiotically happy right now.






Well studying session turned photo boothing so.. hahaha #yolo.

Watched Hercules last night with the sister.



And I adore their relationship.

I love how broken meg is. Everything from the way she speaks to the way she moves is pure erotica, but the way she shuts people off and views the world cynically, AHHH AM I IN LOVE YES I AM.

Whereas Hercules is just a really clueless blockhead. With a ton of muscles and bronzed buns to boot. I don't see him as the star of the show though since there is meg meg meg megara god so sexy sexy.



I want my next ink to be the flower she's holding

Except probably colored in rainbow since it will remind me sadly of xx. Although a rainbow tattoo is not very commendable. But I am not known for thinking my tiny tattoos through so might as well!

So today hm. Today was my math paper and I met up Su An, April and Mintao before the paper and we huddled together not saying much hahaha. Such quiet comfort. Also called harry to wish him good luck. WE MUST PROGRESS AS A CLIQUE, LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND.

Paper was alright, came home to sleep sleep sleep and woke up watching wedding crashers. Rachel McAdams' beauty aside, I think jeremy x gloria made me sad. But it's okay. They had a happy ending. Maybe that's something telling about what I could have.

Hmmm. Much of today was in deep thought.



I will never shut you out again.

To the Nicole for the past 6 years:

You need to understand.

I am not complacent. Neither am I trying to prove a point. I am not trying to be an example. Neither am I chiding you on your actions. But there is never a better time to wake up than now, do you understand?

It took me the whole of secondary school.

I had my fun, I did a fucked up run.

Things were bad, I was in terrible situations, I chose horrible things over my education, the bulk of secondary school was making bad decisions that my friends just hopelessly watched me fall into.

I didn't give a shit about studying. I let my results fall wherever they wanted, I would've repeated secondary 3 if not for my high English entry grade and all I got in the end was a 22. It led me to the next great mistake I made, that if not for the friends, would've been the Depression of my life.

It took me the whole of my unfinished poly.

I did engineering and was that fucked up.

This time I had an even worse run. Things were bad and for the friends who saved me through my suicidal days, I cannot love you guys enough. Everything was an endless abyss into a rabbit hole.

Every exam term I have to wake up crying over how much I hate programming, how much I hate maths, how much I hate circuits and I go to sleep hating myself for landing up in this shit.

I swore those days are over.

And now, I am finally where I am alright with.

Back in poly, my retainer friends used to joke. We'd be at the canteen studying right before the exam and when I would just fuck it all and watch a movie, they'd tell me they would go pick up application forms for SIM with me later. And we laughed and where am I now.

This is not the best I can do and where I want to be, but this is where I will make the best of. $10k a term leh no joke. I will squeeze SIM dry and I will study to get what I finally deserve.

No more exam periods of breaking down and wondering why can't I do anything right, no more hating myself for being inadequate, no more failing. Enough is enough.

And that is why I study.

And that is why you should too.

I stopped letting myself down after 6 years. I started waking up when I was forced to change kids and their lives with an education and with life skills. You have to wake up sooner than me. Don't be stupid.

(I'm finally here darling. But I was happier than wasn't I?)

Happy is immeasurable. GPA is forever.

(What has happened to you? What happened to your passion and your vices?)

I forgot happy.

(You are a disgrace.)

Well here on is bad self-thoughts so reader, I'd stop here and maintain what's left of my failing image. This is some deep-set ego issues here but it's not why you are here, so let's summarize me in a ill sentence:

WE YOUNG RIGHT NOW, WE YOUNG RIGHT NOW, AND ALL WE GOT IS RIGHT NOW. DRINK DRINK DRINK DANCE DANCE DANCE FORGET EVERYTHING REMEMBER NOTHING TONIGHT WE ARE KINGS OF EVERYTHING.

Is that better?

“I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I’ll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I’ll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.” 
― Iain S. Thomas, I Wrote This For You



Hello too-late red-head days.

So let's watch the world burn together, shall we?

Today was a breather and a reminder.

Of course I had a good time. But I realized my old habits are gone. Little things that I used to do in regards to you have faded out of my daily prerequisites. And I suppose that is a good time. Don't you?









Senseless things from a senseless chick.

I chose staying home to "knit clothes" over partying and I think that's an achievement. My achievement for the day. I think I get hooked onto my vices way too easily. I need to get some self-control in.

Oh Nicole, your days of unstoppable passion, have they waned?

Had a great, great time.



(only photo for the night!)

Hello best friend of 7 years.

Please do not go to australia and please let me take care of you forever. As long as you stay, I promise I'll be that friend you can always go to and I will never give up on you. SO STAY HERE WITH ME.

To giant forks and spoons.

Home alone and early.

"Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore"

On repeat.

12:38PM:

I am remembering me at your coffee shop watching the tv, watching the drama you always laugh at me about, and suddenly I see you turn the corner, clutches off, smiling the world's silliest grin.

And I did a little scream and my heart burst with pride.

You dismiss my fussing and tell me how you can do without your clutches now. We walk home and you alternate between using them then not using them. We take the road stairs and I smile at you stupidly.

I was so fucking proud of you.

And I always will be.

Goodnight, goodnight.





My hair looks painfully pretty in the first photo.

Need to find a way to permanently keep it that way. In the meantime, it was a good time of alcohol, belinda and khaiwah and the rest of his funny friends, marcus and his high, songs I barely know, people who made me feel attractive again and lights that made everything disappear.

It's always a good time.

(schedules nightly misery starts here)

Do not confuse me for a sad person. I usually am easily excitable and I am charming company. It's the nights that get to me and how hard it is to write happiness. Poetry comes best in misery.

"I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late."

Today at a glance:







Finally let the sunflower die.

Su An came over to study and effectively killed my lucid dream hahah. But had a nice time truly talking to her. It isn't nice knowing someone is suffering the way I am, but it's nice knowing I'm not alone.

Today is diet day 1 and I'm not dying so all is good. I have had some grapes and that's probably my vitamin c capacity today. Am really trying to work out a veggie diet where I scare my body with the vitamin c overload. It'll be like "WHOA NICOLE WTF VEGGIES?!".

Yeah I need a blender.







And crash coursing with myself from 10pm to 3am.

Well in the night I was forced to reflect on things I didn't want to, and it led me to talking to god for a little help with you, and see I'm just wasted thinking about the past again, but baby I'll be okay.

Hahah I like my new songs too much. But back on track, I guess I'm fine. I know what I want and I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I hope I do one day. If not, let me crash and burn into nothing.

I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where the train will take you? 

Because we'll be together.

Le'ts hope so, cheers for 7 years.

It is 3am
And the world is a lot smaller
You are an invisible wall away
Distance is a graspable matter

Some nights it feels like this
My heart aches and clutches at itself

Some nights it feels like this
I no longer need any help

Some nights it feels like this
Clawing at my stretched sanity

Some nights it feels like this
A numbness from now to eternity

I should do something
I should try everything
I should run with fear in my heart
Sink my fingers into your back
Tell you I've been torn apart

Oh this misery it consumes me
You ravage my mind like silk on sheets
What you do to me
A marksman with a perfected hit

But what do you know
You think I'm a lost cause
And what do I know
Perhaps I am a worthy loss

Tonight.

The heart is weak
And the mind is broken
Happy thoughts for you, sad days for me
Never truer have spoken

Hold on.

x

Today was study day.

I overslept for school and was upset with myself but subsequently The Blockhead came and saved the day. We watched a couple of movies and I made him sinful food and now he's on his way to fat (YES.)

It was very adorable watching him getting very excited over Drive and declaring Ryan Gosling as the God of Henleys and all other Ensembles and orgasm-ing everytime he came into frame. Disturbing as it is, what a nice way to start the week today was :)

Spent bulk of the day with april and su an at mos burger. I managed to close 2 chapters so I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINISHING THE BOOK. Also I like the pineapple mosburger stuff.

I got distracted halfway by my hair and hence heh heh, digressed:



B R O W N  x  R E D.

B U T  I T  I S  F A D I N G.

Well anyway, night time was good because it's a discovery of MunahHirziOfficial! I cannot stress how amazingly funny they are heh heh, especially of maths and makeup. WHY SO FUNNY.

Also am very inspired by them when I went onto their Facebook page. I now have all these ideas for the ION photoshoot and my clothes and miscellaneous pointless things I like to do.

1ST MARCH COME SOON SO I CAN BE MORE ENG.

My sister is an aspiring photographer by force.

Which means I force my phone into my sister's hand and threaten to cry if she doesn't take at least 6 photos of me because my outfits will go to waste and I'll blackmail her if all doesn't work. Heh heh sister of the year.



Thank you sister. Hehe.

I like how black and white makes everything look a lot better than it is. If not for b&w, the stupid investment signboard would be redder than my lips and the cars would be shinier than my hair.

BUT NOW NOPE, THEY ARE ALL GOING TO PALE NEXT TO MY BIG FACE THAT TAKES UP 1/2 OF THE PHOTO. Too bad for you signboards and cars, work harder on your image tsk.



Hello new love.

Absolutely enjoyed talking to the sales lady who handled me. I didn't get her name, but she was happily telling me she's married and starting work and life lessons. I love happy conversations!





Showing off hehe.

Was gonna cut my hair till I saw this series of photographs. Guess who is not cutting her hair anymore sigh. I need to stop deliberately taking "before" photos before a planned hair cut man.

Went downstairs with the family to watch them deposit all the piggybanks' coins into the vault. My guess was $350. Everyone's guess was everything from $250 to $400. As it turned out, IT HIT $780!



So exciting watching the numbers rise!

My brother now has a packed, fat bank account! We decided it up 5-way afterwards and my dad nicely gave me $100 heh heh. So my watch was partially sponsored by the whole family. (self insisted love heh)

My friends on whatsapp are deciding on our next meetup and without me saying a thing, they magicked up a movie marathon of ah boys to men at my place. And shortly after the group name became "movie marathon at blk 449", to further drive home the point hahah. The kind of automatic friends I have.

If I had my own flat, my doors will never be locked. I will give all my friends a copy of my keys and tell them to drop by anytime. Movie marathon? ON. Mahjong? ON BUT SOMEBODY TEACH ME. Cards? ON. And my flat will be as much theirs as its mine. Karaoke? On but the buff ones standby to hit the neighbors.

Cannot wait to see everyone again :)

Ran in the rain in my thankfully sensible kitten heels and lunged a bag with a polaroid and a paper bag with little flowers and perishables on my arm and made 2 trips just to see my favourite girls again.

I love making the effort and going the extra mile. Makes the meetup a lot more worthwhile. Cheesy rhymes aside, I am truly thankful I didn't reach too late. I missed out the entire baptizing though ARGH.

The girls who saved me when I needed them the most:















Was so happy to see them that I kept following them around hahah. I first followed kaiqin around, then siewyu around, and finally just siewsia around. I was a camera-woman, siewsia's part time slave, and her flower girl all in a night's work. Best friend award goes to me. (pats self on back)

I am so incredibly proud of the two of you. You two came so far and finally you're an official member of what you love most now. I love you and if this is important to you, then it's important to me too. I cannot remember the last time I saw you girls looking so blissfully happy.

Please give my 3 girls all the happiness they deserve and I pray so much that they'll find something they love to do for the rest of their lives so when I blackmail them to be my bridesmaid, they will look happy hehe.

I love you girls.

I got my SIM CA report card.



This is my first A in years.

I am beyond happy. Which led to me happily bouncing into my living room and betting $2 and accidentally draining songyan the dealer dry and subsequently owning the most fantastic cards ever as a dealer.

But that aside. I am truly grateful I dropped out of Ngee Ann. Engineering has taught me nothing but how much I abhor it. Business management has made me smile at a result for the first time in years.

This may seem like a vanity sentence but it won't be. I was applying moisturizer and I realized I never truly appreciated either one of my small tattoos. Feels nice when I stroke my skin and it follows my hand's direction, creasing slowly against my palm. I should touch it up soon.

It's a cold, cold night. I am happier tonight than I have been in a long time, yet I am the saddest I have been for weeks. I torture myself with photos of you two and it's starting to set in.

“I fell for her like a suicide from a bridge.”
— Neil Gaiman, M Is for Magic

Part II of saving myself.

x

Earlier on tonight:





Thank you all for coming to my house-warming and making my house so lively and happy on a Friday night. I love you all so much but that's too girly to say out loud so simply:

To more times ahead! ☺

So this is my 2013 Valentine's day. ♡





















Elaborate more next time!