Everyday I learn

Being with you is a constant struggle.

I know you hear it often enough, but I still stress it: I have never been the one more loving. I have always been the one to take a back seat in my relationship, happy to let my lover tear himself apart wondering why I can't love him.

Towards the end, I acknowledged that I dated them because they worshiped me. They put me on a pedestal, and I took that for granted. I drove them stark raving wild because of my indifference and lack of passion. There were days I woke up more excited about a new hair color then meeting them, and they knew it.

God, did they suffer for it. They truly chose the wrong woman. I wish I hadn't wasted their time. But that's why sometimes, sometimes, I think you are the karmic balance to everyone I ruined on my way to you. 

Today, you said simply that you didn't want me to pick you up at the airport at 4am, didn't want me to wait at your place for you to come home for 5 minutes and leave, because you couldn't see yourself doing the same for me.

And in that moment I already knew, "I have to leave this fuck. I can't stay."

But composing my break up text to you ended up in me reminiscing about all the better days we had, all the more loving things you did, all the ways you loved. And instead of typing, "I'm sorry Gabriel," I wrote, "Let's try again."

But deep down, I knew you could never do it.

If you were anything like me before, then this is all a hopeless cause. This is me reliving all the men in my life and how fucking hard they tried to love and love and love me in the hopes of me one day doing the same. And I never did.

Which is why this time, my thoughts of leaving has multiplied, and you could see it too.

Which why this time, I'm not afraid to leave you, and you could sense that too.

Because this time, I know.

There's nothing worse than to have your love unmatched and never reciprocated. There's nothing more unfair than to be willing to go beyond for someone who wouldn't go three steps for you. There's no nobility in a bigger love. Only pain. And you've given me enough of that.

And I could keep loving you mindlessly and blindly, but you'll never love me the same way. I could keep staying and doing everything I can, but you'll never reciprocate it.

All my love, I might as well put in a man who can actually love me in the way you don't want to. All my energies, I might as well spend in a man who is more than willing to do the same, if not more, for me. Everything I have, everything I give, reciprocated fairly and lovingly.

And it really, really hurts because I wanted so much for you to be that man.

And now I don't know if you can.

And now I no longer have the strength to love for both of us.

You're right, I'm tough on you. But that's because I'm no longer dating to pass time, I'm dating to find my future husband. And if you want to be that, if you truly meant it when you said you wanted a future with me, then you should've tried.

You should've tried much sooner.

You always said you'd do anything for me. You always said you wanted to do more for me. Does doing anything not encompass waiting for me at an airport till 4am? Does doing more not include waiting for me at home just to see me for 5 minutes?

Because I'm willing to do that for you. And I'm willing to do that forever. And I can't.. I can't keep waiting for you to decide if I'm worth that.

I don't care if you love me. And I much less care if I love you. Love is nothing without effort to maintain it today, tomorrow, when we get married, when we're old. And if you can't even do it in year 1 of our relationship, then how do I trust my valuable future in your hands? How can I marry a halfhearted man? How can I have kids with a man who can't give me his all? How can I?

If all you want is a mediocre girlfriend who gives you 50% of what she is, then don't come to me. Get back in the market and get out of my life. If all you want is a halfhearted girlfriend who wouldn't do the things I'm willing to do for me, then go have your pick from your Thai pubs and clubs that you've become familiar with.

You will never find anyone who loves you the way I do again. You will never find anyone willing to wait hours to see you, to tidy your room while you eat, to keep your bed warm while you Dota, to buy you food home while you study, to wait at Tanah Merah while you dock from your sail, to help you find your things at 5.30am in the morning while you dress in a hurry for work.

You'll never find someone like me, willing to give you everything I have, again. But I will find plenty of Gabriels on the streets, men who are willing to receive but unwilling to give, and maybe one day I might change them to be the boyfriend I need, the way I prayed and wished so hard you could be.

The last decision you ever need to make about us is if you're willing to give me everything - your effort, your time, your love.

And if you can't, then I want you to leave.