To self-loving and better things

There are many things better than a relationship.

I could go back to my misery. I could go back to waking up tortured by all my demons and my regrets. I could go back to knowing there is safety in rejecting happiness. I could go back.

I could go back to stranger days. I could go back to days where I stay awake long enough to distract myself from bad thoughts. I could go back to odd hobbies and weird activities. I could go back.

I could go back to living harder. I could go back to not knowing why I exist and why am I not the shining example my parents wanted me to be. I could go back to understanding nothing is more motivating nor as destructive than self-hatred. I could go back.

But most of all, I should go back because where I once had the power to put myself in that misery, it has now become you who decides. You who decides if today is a good day for you to throw me back to hell.

And I  simply will not let you rule me anymore.

update:

Thank you for taking the time to unravel my pain and my misery, stitch by intricate stitch. 

Thank you for walking back and forth the entire esplanade just to look for me, even though I was being cold and unrelenting.

Thank you for patiently asking what's wrong and refusing to budge till I told you. Thank you for stopping in the middle of the memorial road just to let me cry quietly.

Thank you for holding my hand and saying the lamest jokes to cheer me up as we spun through the weirdest places to get back to the esplanade.

Thank you for sitting beside me in haagen dazs and getting me ice cream to lift my spirits. Thank you for cosying up to me and entertaining me with your puns and innuendos.

Thank you for sitting with me by the river and discussing our future with me. Thank you for passionately championing adoption and reassuring me that we will have kids to love no matter what.

Thank you for cabbing us to an inconvenient dinner even though you're full. Thank you for raving about how great my ass looked in this dress and insisting to take photos after photos of it just to convince me that I look fantastic. Thank you for telling me I looked too gorgeous to be angry with.





Thank you for murmuring about our future together as we cuddled. Thank you for asking me again and again to marry you as you eased into me. Thank you for loving me gently and kissing me senseless.

Thank you for asking if it's fine to play dota and proceeding to go crazy till 3am. Thank you for coming in bed after and making chit chat about events of the day. Thank you for holding my hand to sleep.

I wish I could say that I love you indescribably, but I can't because well I have the most poetic arsenal of words ever heh heh. I will never run out of ways to tell you how much I love you and I hope you never get tired of hearing them.

I love you my magic man.

Be mine always.

A day of bloom

My boyfriend doesn't buy me flowers, so I buy them for myself.

I wish I was kidding. My sister's graduation was some time back and I bought her this gorgeous bouquet of flowers. I got another one in preparation for Shuqi, but I had a shift on her graduation so I couldn't go.

I ended up posing (as I would heh heh) with her bouquet and for a while set that as my whatsapp photo. Bel teased me and said my boyfriend's an angel and I went, "no la I bought it for myself hahah I'm not kidding."

But joining me in my flowerless club is my aunt so heh heh:









Grandma got excited taking the photos, telling my aunt how she learnt about the burst mode in vietnam so that despite her shaky hands, I can get a nice photo because I'd have 200 shots to choose from.

And I did get a lot of fantastic photos. My grandma is the best photographer eva!











God I could marry my lashes.











Hehehe I have a video of her just posing and adjusting her hair.

For the uninformed (as I was before I found this amazing app), burst mode is a mode on an iPhone camera that allows you to spam a lot of photos at once. You can choose to save all (for example) 500 of them, or you can choose to keep 3-5 favourites.

I always end up just posting one but there'd be a lot of gems in between that I let go of. This was particularly problematic for my gold coast photos because the place looked fucking amazing in every shot.

So I found this app, Burstio, that detects your bursts and turns them into videos/ gifs. It cost $1.99 if I'm not mistaken. But it's the best $1.99 I've ever spent! Nothing beats gify memories.





Rushed off to work after and was greeted by Stadium's gorgeous glow.







My colleagues are all trained in the art of photographing me HAHA.

More accurately, they are all trained in the art of outfit photography hahah. I must have enforced the burst mode on three of them before they caught on. Now we all have insta-perfect posts woo!

I've been telling myself to be more active on this page but as with all my efforts, it peaks for a bit then falters into nothing. This famous writer once said to, "fake it till you make it" but jesus christ, there's really nothing to make here.

But still.

So much to say

But is this the right platform?

Today I found out that someone related to me has chosen to commit suicide. She was young, vivacious, and god so beautiful, but the idea of life terrified her enough for her to choose the opposite.

I don't think anyone saw it coming. She was friendly, she had the most gorgeous smile, and she looked so happy the last time I saw her at new year's. I couldn't grieve, it isn't fair for me to latch on and say we were close. But I could feel. And it feels lonely.

I am so sorry. I hope you're better where you are.





Baby accompanied me to the wake.

I don't think I've ever seen my relatives that excited to see anyone! He did not like his title of "EH BAN LUCK LAI LIAO!" and adorably tried to play it off aww. But the attention is still flattering.

Also he must have turned his head 600 times in response to every "Gabriel" he heard. Additional info: my cousin's a Gabriel and he was hosting most of the new guests so the name came up fairly often heh heh. So adorable to see him meerkating every time the name was called.

We went home afterwards and my remarkable man set aside half an hour for me, worked his timed magic and went on to dota till 2.30am. I don't think he can ever stop amazing me. God I love him.

He had a break between his games and he came down to snuggle with half-asleep me, burying his face in my hair and putting a protective arm over my tummy, which had been a bloody bitch all day. And when he finally finished his game, he laid down with me and hushed me till my tummy pains went away.

In the morning I woke up to rustling and hustling and him gently brushing his face into my open palm, holding my hand and kissing me, saying he had to go. And I never felt more loved in my life.

I love you my magical man.



Always.

You say it very often

And I love the sound of it.

I have never dug the idea of being attached to a person for extended periods of time. As I've told you at the start of our relationship, I'm just a very hungry soul who wants to devour everything in my path.

So I told a friend I want to get engaged, and that I found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. She laughed and said, "Oh Nicole". I started to defend the idea of you, but I didn't.















I need not.

You are the single, truest thing I know. I know simply and fully that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The only thing I know is that I love you. And I would love to wait on you forever.

The idea of having the same person forever no longer terrifies me. It makes me happy that I can spend forever learning you and all your quirks, unraveling you and all your mysteries, and creating new memories with you.

2015 you have been a whirlwind of change.

Thank you G.

More than this

I think I start every job the same.





























First is the euphoric sense of involvement. I get so excited at having wonderful colleagues and nice supervisors that I am blinded and become mighty accustomed to the idea of having a job.

Second is the settling down where I start to do my work and beyond, taking initiative whenever I can and wearing myself out.

Third is when I have finally worn myself out and am now wondering why the fuck am I here, why am I not doing better and why am I taking so long to pay my dues.

And there here's fourth: escaping to the toilet for a minute of solace before I head back to work.

And the most depressing part: my job is easy. I've had incredible luck finding decent paying jobs that are truly interesting. My mum's, my dad's jobs are a 100x more boring than this and yet they live with it everyday, terrified of retirement because me and my siblings simply cannot provide yet.

Shit man there has to be a better way. I must carve a better way.

Today I met my magic man and he had the most darling gift for me.

I had been stressed out at work and it led to me greeting him coldly when we first saw each other. He canoodled and fussed about me and we went home where I collapsed on his bed.

In the next ten minutes, he hugged me and starved out all my fears and miseries, replacing them with his assurances and soft kisses. He spoke fondly of his love and I held onto him like he was my oxygen.

I would never forget that ten minutes of wonder. My god you're a stunning man.

Photo training tips

Today my colleagues learnt the art of burst.

Also the art of using whatever it is around us to use as a selfie stand. Today I used a dustbin, and tomorrow I will use a little child's head. There are no boundaries my sweet child. Use it all. Photos over all.