Hehehe the pointless things I put my baby brother through.

Today is the last day of me and my tutees.





And how did I celebrate it?

By taking really sad photos in their under-renovation building sigh.

Why sad, nobody may ask. Well, firstly because their mum forgot to leave me my pay (I am myself after all) and secondly because I really am never coming back to this place again and thirdly because MY TUTEES. MY TUTEES. NOOO. I will never hear their sarcasm again.

Ah well. May the gods be good to you, Glenn and Keith :)



Did nothing to clear my throbbing head.

I love Bright Eyes and Brand New so fucking much.

 It is amazing how attached I can get to a band so soon.





I do hate to endlessly go on about my favourite bands.

But this is my blog.

So.

Let us (or just me) begin:

I love Bright Eyes.
I love Bright Eyes.
I love Bright Eyes.
I love Bright Eyes.
I love Bright Eyes.

They are such a sad bunch of people playing such a sad bunch of songs but god I do love listening to them on days when I'm down for no reason at all. So much misery in 3 minutes or less. Oh love.

I love Brand New.

They are such a painful bunch. Their songs are brutally honest and sends a chill that cuts my bones. I like the silent strength and the layers of pain their songs hide. They make me feel so invincible. And cold.

I love The Used.

They are fucking brilliant. I cannot stress how much their music drives my mind into overload trying to catch up with their sick beats. And their lyrics are so arrogantly hurtful. God I have loved little more.

I love Mayday Parade.

They are a melodic, sad bunch. Their songs are about lost causes and love and it used to help me relate because they were dangerously near home. Their latest, Ghosts, is brilliant and on replay 24/7 in my head.

I love Pierce The Veil.

All their songs are my gym tracks. I love Vic's shouts and screams and they give me so much power. It's like I'd be running slow on my treadmill then the balcony scene will come on and I'll feel like a king again.

I love The Cab.

Once. Now they're too happy for me. But they deserve a mention because they have a full album with me.

I love Youmeatsix.

Their songs are the ones that my phone will automatically flick to and I'd be thinking to myself "what a great fucking song, whose is it?" and it'll always be them. Such a soul-piercing band.

And others would be Sleeping With Sirens, A Day To Remember, All Time Low, Memphis Mayfire, The Academy is.., Every Avenue, OneRepublic - such perfect bands.

And through social media, I'm growing to be exposed to more bands and so far what's promising is We Came As Romans, AFI, Neck Deep, The Story So Far, and I am excited to hear them all.

Whoa this went longer than expected.

I got this in Taiwan.

I went there with a blinded dream and I came back still stuck on it. I lost sight of the one man who stood by me through it all and for what it's worth, he has forgiven me. And finally, I see the day as it is again.

It is strange.

That Taiwan symbolized a dream that died.

And a new one that was supposed to come to life.

And it did,

But too much too late.

x

It is not easy starting the whole I Wrote This For You schtick urgh.

I had the biggest hate poem for the non-stop drilling downstairs but they stopped. I had the biggest anti-climatic poem for my never ending wait for the washroom but my dad has since vacated it.

My life is just not sad enough man hahaha by the way Universe, I am kidding, please do not heap more misery on me. If not I'll write one for you. This time I be spilling iced water instead of green tea.

I spill things too easily.

Midnight food trips and I blame you for making me fat.

Also, the second photo is the 24/7 sassy representation of me. God save my friends. Also I have fucking long hair. I love it. Also would you look at my wedges heh heh the custom man sprayed it for me.

I love this pair of jeggings. No smart post tonight it seems heh heh.

For a long time,

I wished

prayed

begged 

upon the stars 

for a greater revelation

for a second chance

To the universe I threatened
pushed
provoked
I demanded
"I'm a fucking part of your universe,
if I die
a part of your universe dies with me,
don't you fucking forget about me."

And most (if not all) nights
the universe flips me off
and I return it
as I spill green tea over my fucking keyboard
for the 3rd time that night

And I would head out
and look at the skies
and I feel a little smaller
and I feel a little better
when I realize

That every constellation is you.

- N L, 27 Sept

Well.

I started the day meeting my sim mates. For lunch and milo truck hunting and our notes collection, two of which we succeeded and one of each we braved the rain for but failed miserably hahah.

Afterwards, I met an old friend.

I saw your face and it felt like nothing has changed. It feels like it was just yesterday when you collapsed at nex just to prove a moot point and I waited for the collective rush of emotions that never came.

All that settled in was familiarity. A very comforting familiarity that made the world a little better I guess! That for everything that has ravaged my world since, there are still things that stand the test of time.

And for everything in between and everything before and after, it was a nice time. And for what it's worth, I am still thankful that I got to see you and I'm very glad that you've been well.



Well this was the cheesy schtick I was trying to tell you.

I went home. And for a long time I couldn't sleep. Possessed by the idea that I blew my last chance to be happy but hoping half to death that I did not fuck up and eventually I dozed off to much confusion.

The morning after was a fucking mess as I had expected. But now it's 1.07 pm the next day and my demons have gone to sleep. I feel nothing but emptiness and confusion and regret and guilt and woe to whoever tries to interfere with my life at this point.

Reflecting on it now, it seems like there was only one sentence that burned into my mind. Everything that hurt left its impact and everything that was kind left its touch but this one seared in.

"I'm already seeing you in a better light."

Well.

This is to me hopefully uncovering more good lighting.

And this is to me shamelessly believing I'm pretty good for you.

And this is to you - may you always be happy no matter what unfolds here on.

Catch up with the queen of 5 cents after a long time heh heh.

Food date out with the braggart kaiqin hahaha.

How can mondays be blue when I have such stupidly cute friends heh heh.

Basically dinner after dinner trips and my life is getting boring.

I cannot recall what I did today.

Besides a midnight movie to start the dusk with.



Seemingly I slept a lot and watched a lot of tv and chilled with my family and had good dinner and played clash of clans and other miscellaneous stuff that isn't quite reflected on twitter nor instagram so I am lost.

Almost forgot how shopping in real life feels.

Watched prisoners and it was a mind numbing torment. Safe to say I will be googling it for days on end. Also safe to say that a beautiful mind has affected me more than the usual show and now I'm scared of schizophrenia but it is a conscious effort so I am safe.

I fucking love my red hair heh heh.

Today I realized how much I've neglected the other kids.

So today was me finally hanging out with the other kids besides Jonas, Huiyi (who is in china oh no please come back darling girl) and Zoe. Today was Sarah, Sophie, Charlize and Nigel and they are so precious awww.

And just as I thought Jonas forgot me, he saw me leaving and immediately came to hug my leg goodbye. HOW CAN I EVER QUIT WHEN THEY ARE HERE AWWW.

Tonight was also midautumn!









Made the same wish I've made every time since moving in.

But tonight.

I shall not give a fuck if it happens!

I have ran out of juice tonight. 

COME AT ME WORLD, I'M READY.

Mum actually took the time to write a warning comment on my Insta hahah.

But regardless, I'm still hoping to get the hang of this myself. Am thinking what is the most protective gear to wear because I can literally fall down 3 times in 2 seconds. I did not think that was possible till today.

Stupid board. I will conquer your sorry blue ass.

Tried archery again today and my personal best was 36! And my personal worst was 2. Also don't know how in the world I managed to get a single digit score but IT WAS FUN AND I'M COMING BACK.

Also I learnt that Pastamania has bad pizza.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE RUINED MY ROSE DRAWING.

Spent the bulk of today at my grandma's place trying to first DIY my shoes (I pussyed out in the end because if I mess up this pair, I'D HAVE NOTHING COMFORTABLE LEFT) and then tried water coloring (did not work out too well) then painting my nails (THEY LOOK FABULOUS) then finally watching Les Miserables.

And it was so. painstakingly. draggy.

I felt like the show went dull after Anne Hathaway died. It revived a little while when they highlighted the Innkeeper's tale and it was good all the way home  at the schoolmen' revolution and fall. All in all, it was far too draggy and could've had a lot of scenes sliced if they wanted this film to have a heavier impact on its viewers.

I have always fucking loved Tim Burton's work, which automatically meant I'm a fan of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, and when she came onto the screen I RECOGNIZED HER AND WENT EEEEK and I decided the show has came back to life.

I loved the Innkeeper's tale, everything about it. The filth, the scum, the merry misery. I loved a single scene of all the schoolmen cleaning the insides of their rifles and loading it. It was a scene that had immense symbolism for me.

Peace cannot be without war.

And I fucking loved all the songs.

Especially "look down" and "do you hear the people sing". It reminded me of watching prince of egypt and sweeney todd. Such a brilliant score, such a brilliant backset choir, such brilliance.

Draggy, but definitely a must watch.

On the Hello Kitty Craze in Singapore:

"The kitties can't smile

Or they would be laughing at all of us now.

I remember the humble beginning when me and my girlfriends were at King Albert Park's McDonald's just touching the kitty on display and wondering if we should get it and insisting that we are too manly to get it but we got it anyway. There were too much stock to go around then.

Fast forward 3 weeks and we have grown men arguing with poor frontline managers and evoking crowds to rebel and laughingly asking our Singapore Police Force to queue for the Hello Kitties for them.

And for not the first time in my life, I wondered aloud why I was a Singaporean. 

Just imagine; somewhere, the person who was commissioned a cat - who simply couldn't be arsed to finish sewing the mouth of the cat because she had a last minute date and she was pushing 30 after all - is looking at us now and laughing while sleeping in all the sewing thread she saved from doing away with the kitty's mouth.

I quote the great Thor of the even greater Avengers,

"You people are so puny. And petty. Ho ho ho ho (sweeps L'oreal-commercial worthy golden locks away from his stunning face)"

Sigh."

- more updates in equal ridiculousness at thesmartlocal!

Alright I know I've been severaly lacking in posts,

LET THE UPDATES BEGIN.

x

Alright so now that I'm done with the photos and a patronizing phase for each, let's delve down to the deeper parts of my mind that nobody cares about:

Lately, I've been feeling pretty fixed.

There was a very, very long period of time when I was feeling messed up all the time and it hence led to a lot of wrong decisions, because I was so convinced my life can't get any better anyway.

That was the period where I loved alcohol like a mother and dated without thinking ahead and overall, it did nothing but kill my self esteem because I believed myself to be beyond salvation.

But slowly, I managed to find myself again.

Maybe it's the hobbies. I found a lot of new things to do. I did some baking, yoga, kickboxing, archery, drawing, painting, everything in between that makes me feel a little better about this lousy self.

And it worked.

Instead of being sad all the time, I'm now more inclined towards the side of my mind that wanders about my future online apparel site, becoming a goods merchant with groupon, deeply considering if I can afford to have my own business and stop at a diploma, or find funds to get a degree for a fail-safe.

And I'm happy.

I'm happy all these are shaping my new thoughts.

But of course, with the pretty came the ugly. I have finally given up on the two secondary school friends most dear to me and even though it tugged like a bull on my heartstrings at first, I've learnt to ignore it.

Amid these changes were meeting a lot of people be it from work or friends who told me about their life experiences, all of which I use to better myself and remind myself to not end up like them (if they're telling a bad story la like they slapped a tree or something).

But most nights I realize what's really wrong.

I simply. cannot. feel. anymore.

I have grown indifferent to anyone outside of my friends and family.

If you have an ulterior motive, you will land in the no man's land in my head.

I asked myself quite a few times if its because I'm just fixated. But then again I will end up questioning myself again and I end up in that same loophole. Am I indifferent or fixated - then I realize it doesn't matter.

I've always been used to drifting along,

And now, I'm drifting towards, slowly and perhaps surely,

But at least the currents are no longer trying to drown me.

BABY BROTHER WON THE LANTERN DESIGN COMPETITION!

Also we look like chang er before her trip to the hair salon.

Or at least I do.

GODDAMMIT WHY DO I LOOK SO CHINESE.

BABY BROTHER LOOKS SO EVIL HEHEHE.

Also my sister is getting prettier and prettier while I'm getting fatter and fatter and IT IS TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF and I feel sad that I've given up on my training regimes :(

Okay time to get my ass back on track.

Teacher's day gift from the tutees and kids hehe.

Mmhmm found out a lot of new songs today.

Visited the best friend and baked with the sister after!









And they turned out so well we're still nomming away on them now heh heh.

(grandpa peeking at the back hehe so cute)

What do you do when the place you call home, has become too small for you?

Do you stay and try to expand,
Or do you leave in search of bigger worlds, better homes?

There is a war coming, Nicole.

And you have to choose your side.

Because when they choose you, it's not going to be pretty.

Very quickly and very vastly, the things we know are becoming the things we once knew.

Prep up kid.

Day three of our staycation:



Am glad to be in my snuggly bed again!

Day two of our staycation:









Will probably do a long post over at TSL or maybe here, soon!

Day one of our staycation:











Rest of the photos are everywhere!