Dawn's in the afternoon and the guys after!

Today is my first time bringing out the baby brother! :D

This post is for:
Su An, April, Mintao, Harry and Machao.



Because I'm too shy to tell you guys personally,

But oh my god am I glad that I went for orientation, that I had the chance to sit with the both of you, that we share a common love for buffet food, that we get along so well it feels like we're meant to be.

S A M: To come to Great World City today just because of my last minute probational appointment, to not mind the time delay and the location change, to freeze together in a coffee bean together coming up with bad ideas and stupid jokes.

M: To send me home after all our discussions and outings despite consistently threatening to throw me out on an expressway heh heh.

A: To accommodate all my changes and be excited and happy all the time about everything!

S: To be so wildly nonsensical over everything and being so game to go anywhere despite how crazily far you live.

H: To trust my taste in how you look and to see us as your audience savers and to always be so sillyly happy whenever we talk.

M: To go along wherever we go and always try to treat us to things and asking us so concerned about classes and modules.

SIM will be nothing without you folks. 

If you do read this please don't ever tell me about it I am so shy I will just look at you then walk away slowly in desperate shyness hahahah.

i. 

Words cannot convey how much I love my job.

Seeing the kids everyday so happy, and seeing their drawing talents grow with each lesson, and today, seeing them interpret ballet on water and a chimpanzee family. I doubt I can even do better than them.

I love my kids.

ii.

I'm adjusting badly to something I've been used to since January and it reminds me of loss. And I'm trying hard to fight for it back but of course, I can only clap with a hand for so long.

iii.

Today I also realized that I miss our friendship. We were truly the golden girls December last year and I'll always love and miss you but you've became that person who breaks my ego and I'm brittle enough as it is, I can't let you do that to me anymore. It's either you change or I leave.

And it seems like you won't change.

iv.

I came to learn three things brutally.

That beauty without charisma is useless. You can only fascinate a person for so long before he realizes there's nothing within. In which he'll decide - does he stay to use you, or does he leave in boredom.

That I'm not enough. That if I remain stagnant, then I will start to lose. And there is no point living a life that's only half-lived to the best you can be. I'll be a waste of space and a disgrace to myself.

That visions of you will never fully go away.

v.

I'm missing appointments with friends and I don't like it. Work on my tuition side is getting increasingly unstable and school is starting to come down fast, and even now mcys is clamping down on me hard for cso and appointments. My time is lost and I don't know where it has gone to.

Everything would be so much better if you still were my everything.

Happy birthday darling april and mintao!

Today I studied!

Today I also realized that I no longer have the face to call myself an ice queen anymore because I'm weak nnb and I also don't know what to call myself anymore because I'm feeling lost 24/7 now.

Su An then Shisha with the girls heh heh, good good night.

she sips her morning tea
her gown falls open at her knees
she puts her head on the table
the world flipped
she looks at imaginary pictures
you sear her

stop making me cry in my sleep

you are the sum
of everything she did right
she burned you
like a soldier who lost a fight
she took you
and like a funny twig
she snapped you in half

you left

to get flowers for you!

she looks up
the world is in the color of your iris
brown, autumn brown
her heart claws at itself
raw
no name for this sadness
no lyrics for this empty song
but you are in every sentence
in the commas
in the yellow



"i loved you on this day
i love this memory"

please let me keep it.

-

"we met at the wrong time. that’s what I keep telling myself anyway. maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot. so until then, I’ll just have to continue feeling this way everyday -- sad."

and i'm perfectly okay with that.

I am a mass of contradictions.

My thoughts will confuse you.
My thoughts will not make sense.
My thoughts will be absolute.

My thoughts will ruin me.
My thoughts will be clarity.
My thoughts will constantly change.

I cannot say much.

I've been through experiences. And I've learnt to see all of them positively. I talk about my past. I see them as what made me. I find something to learn from every single fall. I am stronger than everything that's ever tried to break me. I want to be more.

I wish I could change the past, but only an aspect of it.
But that remains mine to know.

I am the sum of everything that's ever happened to me. I am alive with passion and ruin and clarity and happiness and sadness and hope and suicide. I am the protagonist of my own story. I am the crux.

But I feel so small all the time.

Sidenote: what a long time since I've taken time out of my family and friends for x.

Today marks our 3rd year together, oh do I love you girls.

Hazel and syahirah came at night and we unpacked everything together YAY and managed to successfully inculcate kaiqin and siewsia into the magic of taobao YES I AM THE ALMIGHTY ONE.

What a lovely night and morning after.

Today was the sim mates at my place again after so long heh heh.

I really cannot be thankful enough of the bunch of them. How to find someone as annoyingly nice as Mintao, as nonchalantly funny as April and as ridiculously cute as Su An. I have the perfect bunch of friends.

Syahirah and hazel came at night and we had dinner and pooooool.

Today I saw a plane and I hope for better times! ✈

Shisha, pool and bar with tristal, swee and songyan.

Today I learnt that I am emotionally digging a grave for myself and that no one else but you can pull me out of it. And because there's a high chance you never will again, I'm letting myself get comfortable.

But I am happy.
I'm always happy with friends and alcohol.

Life is goooooood, fridays are goooood.

Son in law of the night to siewsia, siewsia's mum, and siewsia's grandma :D

Finally with all the girls again ♥

On my way to healthy (I hope.)



The last thing I learnt from you better change me.

Went to school and finally saw them again YAY SO HAPPY!





And all the idiots after at shin tokyo x acid bar :*

Midway doing heartsy birthday cards for the old folks and Ms Priya told me to stop :/

Have been visiting the grandma quite a bit since the cso is so near and it makes me sad how much my grand-dad wants to see my baby brother. I really should force my mum to go over soon.





The girls after :D

Was taking the photo and I very sadly said "everybody is ignoring me" and the two of them looked up immediately heh heh. DO YOU SEE WHY YOU TWO ARE MY FAVOURITES? ME LOVE.

How can I ever leave you little cuties.

Days at cso. 

I have a feeling I'm going to miss some of the old folks already. There's this cute uncle who likes to salute me and I'd salute him back. And there's these 3 aunties whom I love terribly. Too cute.

Maybe I'll buy all 3 of them birthday gifts.

I did their paperwork for admission and discharge and a lot of them have been here for a while now. And it made me hate all the little fuckers they have for kids who put them in here.

I hope the rest happen to you fuckers.

Visited the grandma and she told me about how she avoided her longtime friend by just happily telling her that ＂我就跟她讲我不小心把电话丢掉了！＂ HAHAHA WHY SO CUTE.

Community service through and siewsia after!

















Heh heh so happy to see her so regularly now.

Day 1 of school!



And I'm okay with it.

Was nice to see April, Su An and Mintao again heh. Haven't seen the rest but yay we're still a 4-men strong gang! Very upset that I can't be in school to join them till much later. LET TIME PASS SOONER.

Closed another sidney sheldon again and I forgot how fast-paced his books were. Have been stuck at supposedly stylish novels for a while now and I forgot how a thriller feels yummm.

Life is calm.