I have nights like these where I just want to write.

About me.
About stuff.
About you.
About everything in between.



1.
You can tell me anything, you can say anything, you can take all your favorite lyrics and write them into a bad symphony for me. But it won't work you see -- it's like trying to grasp sand. You may have me for a bit, I'd pay attention for you for 2 minutes, but you can tell me tales of the skies and moons and your love to me, but I'll slip away and all I'll say is, "oh."

2.
How nice it would be to wake up and realize I don't love you anymore, that I can finally move on. But what is there to move on to?

There was a man who knew how fucked up I was and still let me hold him to sleep, who accepted how little love I can give and still stayed on to care relentlessly for me, who understood why I was so unhappy and tried to put the sun back into my skies, who ignored his own clawing demons to save me from mine.

There is a polite term for people who let treasures like that go and it's called "dumb cunt". God.

3.
There is a deep hunger in me for everything.

I want to know more people but at the same time, I'm happy with who I have. I want to see more sights but at the same time, I know there's nowhere else better but the scenery of my room. I want to do more than I am but I know I'm stretched out and hanging.

I'm not enough for me.

4.
You are the sun and moon to me
I'll never get over you
And you'll never get over me

I think we'll both see.

5.
And I've been reading. Everything from Sidney Sheldon to Audrey Niffnegger to Haruki Muraki and they are not inspiring me. I am at the point in my life when nothing but alcohol helps. What a absolutely trashed period. How much I look forward to getting over it.

6.
Insatiable.

7.
Pain doesn't scare me.
Insects don't scare me.
Failures don't scare me.

I think what scares me is never finding love. You see I'm a wreck of opposites. I am a commitment phobic but I'm a hopeless romantic. I am a lover but I'm a leaver. All I want to do is love you, but all I want to do is destroy you for anyone else. But I'll save you, I promise. I will. With everything I have I will.

I think I haven't met the right person. If everyone is making me feel like a commitment phobic then I don't think it's my bad, they're just not enough to be a commitment. If someone can make me ache for him, then there'd be no force in hell for me to ever unwant him.

How annoying.