I'm going to tell you a story.But it does not have a happy ending.
(coughs)
(cracks neck)
(eats ba chor mee)
(observes a magnet)
Once upon a long, long time ago, there was a little girl. She was all of 13 years old. She pretty much was clueless about the world and how it worked. She didn't get sarcasm jokes and she didn't understand anything of the streets. She laughed too much and frowned too little. She was a simple, ditzy little thing.
Oh but one day, one day she met somebody.Now the story may lose its credibility here because the author is too dense to remember how they met. Hence leaving the little girl's story incomplete and slightly askew. A lawsuit is underway but let's disregard my well-being and let's continue.
One day, she met somebody.Now she had been locked up at home for the bulk of her 12 years. Her parents were a lovely couple trying to shield their precious daughter from the world. So our girl here truly didn't know much of anything. She decided to yolo (she had a very forward thinking - we only caught on yolo 7 years later, shame on us), and she decided to meet a guy online.
She was very excited for it, and she got together her cutest ensemble. It was a white top, with a polkadotted-rim half cardigon, with a frilled skirt. If she had worn the same in this day and time, it is natural and perfectly fine to assume that she's gonna get stoned to death and we'd understand why this story does not have a happy ending. But it was 2006, the year of lousy dress sense everywhere, and she looked fine.
She didn't wait too long.
She saw her date.And she blushed with an intensity that would've made an apple look orange (I am so funny).
(you are getting your cent's worth, darling girl)
(I should venture out with my own autobiography)
(I DIGRESSED OK I'M SO SORRY)
He was all of 1.7m. He wore a simple long sleeve shirt. She did not notice his pants because she is the queen of decency. She also did not notice his shoes because come on, she is a 13 year old and not a pedro girl, we mustn't expect much from a stupid 13 year old's memory.
They went to eat. Now her recollection of her own tale to me was heavily flawed and in ill chronological order so I'll lazily condense.
1. They went to a kopitiam where she proceeded to sneakily take a photo of the camera-shy him (she will realize in the years to come that she was duped - the man's a camera-ready picture). She succeeded with half a face shot. Not only can we expect nothing from her small mind, we apparently can't expect anything from her photography too.
2. They went to the back of a hotel to sightsee. She was scared about sneaking in (didn't I say she was a ditzy, stupid girl? now this is legit proof of it). But he went ahead so she grudgingly but curiously followed. Now, she does not remember it very clearly as the day she first saw it, but 7 years down she was with her friends and she stopped at a stairwell. It was spiral. And she felt as if she's been here. And she smiled a little as she took a photo. Such a dramatic woman.
3. They ate at long john silvers. She remembers overhearing a heated argument in the kitchen. She remembers sitting in front of him. And she took another lousy picture (if at first you fail, don't try. unless you're trying to make prata then just keep trying, nobody can mess up prata) of his sleeves and sauces.
4. He sent her almost home - taking a train with her and leaving her to go home by herself when the train reached her stop. But before that, he showed her photos he's taken. It was a very, very scenic photo of a pair of spectacles on pieces of paper. It was beautiful. She forgot if she complimented it. She had a beating heart to calm and she went home ditzy and happy.
She couldn't wait to get home and tell somebody about her first date ever. Can you believe this poor little thing. 13 years old and this was her first date. And can you believe the other fellow? A 15 year old asking out a severely underaged girl. Wait till her father hears about this.
She went to his Friendster profile. And she saw photos of a girl on a train. She forgot the caption, because she was instantly irritated that there was someone else in his life. And she decided to slowly lose contact with this fellow for fear of being seconded.
It concluded the first date of her life, and it concluded the contact they would have for the rest of the next 2 years.2 years later, a 15 year old her was looking through her msn contacts, looking for someone to irritate and who should be up online but him! She had just found him on Facebook and was making snide remarks about his long, very curious tongue. He may or may not have told her that she has a nice ass. She is accustomed to compliments on her assets behind (what a cocky little b) and accepted it graciously. They arranged to meet again.
And they did.
At a shopping mall, she saw him again. His hair was cut and he now wore specs. He looks chubbier than when she last saw him. They went up a shopping mall and sat on a little bench and caught up a little. She does not remember if she told him he looks chubbier now. But she certainly remembers asking to see The Legendary Tongue of his. She does not recall her action too (gurl you are not making my autobiographing job easy).
She played a round of pool with him. Behind their table were a bunch of young boys having sex with their computers, or whatever it is that made it sound that way. She didn't care. She was watching him play and thinking "damn sir, you fine" for a while. He was incredibly flirty but visibly withdrew when her friend came to join. How untimely. They had lunch and that was it.
It concluded the second time she saw him, and it concluded the contact they would have for the rest of the next 3 years.3 years later, a 18 year old her saw him on Facebook with a fancy english name. She didn't acknowledge it at all - she only ever knew him by his chinese name. He subsequently told her that along with words like "exasperated" (nobody could ever spell/ pronouce that right) and "rofl" (lol), his name was one of the most underused words of the century, and she's the only one to ever insist calling him by that.
She forgot how they reconnected. But she left school midway to go meet him at his school. They boarded a bus together and he was visibly impressed by her self-jailbroken phone. She was visibly impressed with his mohawk and his new height. It felt as if he's gotten himself to be god's pet in the absence of 3 years.
They had a meal at popeye's. He was incredibly flirty as usual, playing and teasing her for her admitted-unhygienic ways. Midway their little antics, he grasped her hands and she found herself genuinely smiling,
the kind of smile that warmed her own heart and shone.She then received news of an emergency at home, and she needed to hurry off. He offered to send her home, and together they boarded a long bus to clementi.
On the bus he didn't stop his ways. She asked him what he wanted for his birthday present (it was a little after his birthday) and he was leaning into her and asking what can he get. She offered Daiso and $2s but she was flatly refused. He didn't stop his teasing and continued compelling her for better answers. But she didn't give any - how could she when she felt so incredibly shy by his edging closeness?
They got a little lost and they spent a while walking aimlessly around clementi looking for a bus interchange. She doesn't remember much of their seeking, but she remembered she smiled and so did he,
and it was a nice time being lost together.They eventually found their way to an interchange and they managed to get onto a bus that sent her halfway home. They made it to a stop midway. And she cannot accurately remember beyond this point, but her memory remembers him downstairs her place and saying bye. And she remembers messaging him wistfully afterwards about a move she didn't make at their midway stop. And he shared the sorry sentiment.
It concluded the third time she saw him, and it was the start of their beautifully agonizing journey for the rest of the next 2 years.They started meeting more and more, and things between them heated up quickly. She was a little surprised at how much she adored this man and everything he was. Through their little meetups, she grew to fall for the smallest things he'd do. The way he arranged formal dates together, the way he carries her for no reason, the way he charmed her family senseless.
Much as it was a shame to the memory of them both, they were both attached at the point of their re-meeting and subsequents. And they made their breakups at almost the same time. She didn't recall this, only until she remembered her messaging him that she's really upset and her eyes were really red and she didn't want to see anyone but he still made his way down to her. And together, they sat at a lonely bench behind a bus stop and had a silent moment together.
But subsequently, it was a party. They went out more often and they had the most fun that the girl could remember. He brought her everywhere - strange places and good food and fun activities. They always had something to do and somewhere to go. And she enjoyed his bigger than life nature. He started to stay over at her place and her family fawned and fussed over their new son/ grandson. At some point she suspected they loved him more than they loved her but let's just leave her to wallow in those sad thoughts.
One night, after a nice day out, she decided she was sleepy. He walked her into her bedroom and tucked her in lovingly. And out of absolutely nowhere, she whispered,
"I love you."And she watched as his silhoutte make its way, slower than usual, away from her. He slowly closed the door behind him, and she heard him pacing the hallway and making more noises than usual. She didn't know what he thought of it, but she was glad she finally said it.
(in no chronological order because she has forgotten)
She cannot remember what happened the next day. But a while later, she got attached. She was incredibly sure she loved this man, but he seemed to be in no way wanting to make a commitment and she did not want to push, and so she found another who wanted to give her the world.
She never realized the little things she did. She compared her old man to the new one. The new one wasn't tall enough. Isn't interesting enough. Isn't man enough. Isn't him. And she left her new man.
(ends ill chronological order)
All these while when the ill-timed fling opened before his eyes, he realized that he wanted her. And he wanted her solely for himself. She had a flight due for Taiwan. He came to send her off. He wrote her 7 days for the 7 days she's staying there. And he made her promise to only open one each day. And he made her laugh when he said repeatedly,
"do not friendzone me, Nicole".She didn't think much of it.
In Taiwan, she realized she missed her man. She missed waking up and walking over to the room where he sleeps and prodding him till he awakens. In Taiwan, there was no scent of him on the sheets. And to fill that missing hole in her heart, she read his letters. It felt as if she wanted the day to go faster just so she could read the letters. Nothing else was as important.
She came back.
And she knew.
So did he.
On the 14th of October in 2011, he got onto a knee outside her place and asked her to be his girlfriend. She said yes.
And she was so happy she could've cried.
But she was not a good lover.
In the subsequent months after, she tortured him with her constant reminders of the lover she left for him. She was wrecked with guilt and indecision and whatever she felt, she inflicted upon him. She gave him the exquisite torture of having her exactly in front of him, yet with them both knowing her heart's elsewhere. She couldn't acknowledge his efforts nor his love. She was stuck in her misery. And he was drowning trying to save her.
But there were bright days.
There were days when she woke up and counted him as a blessing. There were days where she went over to his place to surprise him in his sleep. There were days where she wanted nothing more than to kiss hi forehead and fuss over how adorable he is. There were days where they make love everywhere they could because she never wanted another man more. There were days where she knew, without a doubt in her heart, that he was the only one who she could want forever.
They named their kids and they did many things. He introduced her to life and how to live it. She saw him as her only sunshine at a time where all the lights in her heart were off. She saw him as everything - he was the beginning and the end and he's everything. She would fall asleep after he tucked her in, and she would run to his side in the morning and wake him up with pokes.
It was magical.
But she was not an appreciative person. She made the single most disastrous mistake of her life - she cheated on him. And it would've been more merciful to say that was all, but it wasn't. She repeated it. And it shredded her man to bits. They broke off, and came back together. They broke off again, and came back together again.
3 times, all 3 times she promised herself she would never fuck up having him back in her life, but she did. 3 times. And all 3 times he forgave her. And all 3 times she disappointed them both.And finally, he left without looking back.
It concluded the last time she saw him, and it was the start of her downfall for the rest of her next 6 months.She was destroyed.
She was wrecked.
She was broken beyond repair.She tried to reach him, she tried to make him things, she tried. But time and time again he rejected her attempts. She didn't dare to pursue it for fear of annoying him, and she kept all her pain to herself.
She watched his life as an outsider - she watched as he accepted someone new, someone who treated him the way he should've been treated. Someone who was all the warmth she wasn't. Someone who replaced her. And it broke her for so many, many nights.
Now I would go on for a while more, but there isn't much to write, really. These 6 months were simply her disallowing herself to be happy. She believed that she needed the karma for all the wrong she ever did wrong and when happiness was within reach, she eluded it and sat in her own misery.
She did try dating. The men in her life wouldn't stop trying. They'd use logic, they'd use emotions, they'd use what they could, to try to convince her to let go. And each time, she'll crush them. And she'd tell them about her ideal man. And after a while, she realized this was the shadow of her old man.
No one could touch her again.She had her emotions burned out of her.
She didn't knew what's contentment and she didn't know what it's like to see anyone else beyond a friend. She kept her family closer and her friends warmer. She stuck to the people who she loved as friends and all others, she didn't want to bother.
They made her ill because she couldn't tell them but they're insufficient. They made her sick because everytime they hung out, she'd wish desperately to go home. They repulsed her - solely because they weren't the person she wanted to see so badly.
She was done with everyone.
And no one would ever captivate her again.
She tried to write to him again. And perhaps he was on the close of rejecting her, but she insisted and they had a lovely while. They talked and she thought they could have a chance at being perhaps friends. But midway their conversation, mutual friends found him at a place with his old lover.
That night, she cried herself sleepless.
That night, she stared at herself.
And she hated herself.
She picked herself up and forced witty banter, and she thought they could have a movie together. But subsequently, he made clear that it was not going to happen, and she slipped again.
(today.)I am Nicole.And for a long time, I didn't understand a lot of this univese.
I thought if you want something bad enough, you would work for it. I thought if you want something to happen bad enough, the universe could conspire to bring it to you. I'm wrong and I accept it.
Well, the universe has tried to break me. Broken me. But I'm standing up again. I'm doing stuff. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm doing things I never thought I'd be doing - painting, kickboxing, yoga, stuff.
Maybe it's all a distraction. Maybe it isn't. But you know the one thing I realize from all these?
It is that when you're at your wits' end, when you feel like you've got nothing else to feel alive for, then will you find passion in the most unlikely of places.Because it leads up to a simpler, clearer statement.
The things I do and why I do the things I do is incredibly simple,
I'm praying for you to notice me.Nothing has and nothing will ever mean as much to me as your attention.And I've never been on this side of the glass.
For a long time, you accustomed me to feel like I'm entitled to all your attentions and now, I am invisible. I don't exist to you. And because of that, I do not want to exist to anyone else (besides my family and dear friends), the rest can go fuck themselves.
Nothing is interesting me and nothing can interest me because despite everything, my mind is full and I am so sorry. I really am. I wish I could stop bothering you. I truly do.
Well I don't know what else to say.
The little girl from all that time ago. Can you believe that you were my first date? How quaint that I should never want to be anyone else's right now, 7 years later.
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To that little girl:
what now here on?
And to the reader of this long, silly post: if you've read till this far, I sincerely thank you.
