Today is a mad rush, as usual.

Pretty much spent the day lazing around then rushing down to Golden Mile Complex to collect my students' work and I am crying proud looking at them. It also made me miss my 2 darling boys. I wonder how they are. PLEASE LET ME SEE THEM WHEN TERM OPENS.



Met my primary 2 tutee who is the most precious 8 year old in the world.

Angels day II.





Had my first Sakea buffet and it's established that I cannot eat buffets.

I completely forgot what I did.



So here's a photo from last Wednesday.

Today was final shopping.



I love my blazer.

Spent the morning at my psychiatrist and god I am unhappy. At first it felt really nice emptying everything out to her then when she handed me her form to do. And answering all the questions made me realize how fucking miserable I truly have been.

Can't believe I put you through this. I should be set to burn.

I love the two fierce chicks heh heh, finally girls with fire.

I give up catching up with my old posts.

So anyway. These few weeks are busy busy busy and I'm very sick of it all. Today was supposed to be my one off day but a new tuition assignment came in so guess who is going to be miserable till 9pm.

I wish you read the book and I wish you felt all the things I've felt when I wrote it.

Ted: So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from on your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall: Great, yeah I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. Is everything happening too fast? Maybe I should see other people -
Ted: Dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special, you hold on to that girl!
Marshall: She is, but I'm only 18 -
Ted: Marshall, you being 18 is not a bad thing. It only just means you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, like, I'm not gonna meet my wife until like I'm, 23.
Marshall: Right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.

It only means I get to spend more of the rest of my life with you.

Today I complete my mystery shopping.

I am grateful beyond words for this opportunity and I was be delighted to work for it again if they switch me up to the higher-end labels. Until then, I am eternally in debt to the stores who have given me such a pleasant shopping experience and I hope the company will value you as much as I did.

And for all those who pissed me off, I hope you eat air for dinner soon.

x

I think work is bad.

Work is making me a raging numbness. I guess I feel alright most of the time. I have a parcel I need to send out but the time feels not right. Everything feels not right. I need just the right reminder.

And the second parcel - thank God I sent it away.

1:
I find myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I’m not sure how I got there,
All roads they lead me here

I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better

2:
I'm right before your eyes,
I’m breaking
No thoughts, no reasons why,
Just you and me

1:
This is the last time I’m asking you this-
Put my name at the top of your list,
2:
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye

You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better

I'm right before your eyes,
I’m aching
Run fast, nowhere to hide,
Just you and me

1:
This is the last time I’m asking you this-
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye

2:
This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong,
1:
This is the last time I say it has been you all along,
2:
This is the last time I let you in my door,
1:
This is the last time I won’t hurt you anymore

2:
This is the last time I’m asking you this-
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.


I need to know I'll never go and disappear again.

I wish I knew me. I wish I knew why I let the most perfect man in the world go. I know you're everything I want, everything I wrote, you're my ruby sparks, so I really need tonight to break myself down.

This is getting serious so here's a cheesy picture:



Moving on,

Today was a event hosting at a CC, had the opportunity to work with a couple of Indian performers whose girlfriend's assumed I was interested in (seriously chick, nobody likes late, rude, offensive unbathed men) and I'm proud to say I'll never ever ever enjoy Indian music again, no matter who it's played by. :)

I also may never enjoy shopping in peace again.

I am under tremendous stress.

Life is either getting restricted because of probation, or I have too many jobs that clash with each other, or I am not enough time to look at myself and fix me, or I can't do the things I really want to do, the things I need to deliver and the thoughts I need to say.

God even my sentences are ill structured.

-

To you,

I am clearing my things ready for the move. And I see things that I shouldn't have kept, pictures still in a hard drive I never checked. And all these things, they are tying me back to the past you fought with your whole life and heart to break me from. And I am so fucking annoyed with myself for the constant disappointment I put you through.

How do I save you?

My carefree days are dangerously ending.

I swear I'll be back soon.

My dear girls and my SIM enrollment!

Had an art class early in the day and I love my kids.

I feel truly sorry that I can't spend their last art lesson with them. So I treated my 2 most disastrous kids to koi. I need to start bringing my candy collection around and spread the love.



My two twins who are finally listening to me.

A good day but I missed the club girls. So many of my friendships have been built on after 10pm that when it finally comes to seeing their faces before 10pm, I feel a pleasant and warm feeling.

I have a lot of thoughts but maybe later.

Goodbye Mustafa.



Last day of Haslinda! How sad for me.

Spent today doing our nails and chit chatting and everything but work. Was a really fun day just spent eating and relaxing and I am glad I took up this job. Mustafa really became my retreat for a while.



My group whatsapp chat is very adorable.

And now I have my first perfume! Was deciding between Givenchy and Guess but this one was perfect. There are things you fall in love with at first scent and Banana Republic is my poison heh heh.

"We are all full of ghosts, people and cities we no longer visit but within whom we felt incredibly alive, and there is no reason to pretend they never existed. I wish I could hold those ghosts closer even, telling them that I forgive them for any indiscretion I may have at one point tried to scrub away with a ball of steel wool. Because trying to erase someone completely only makes their presence in your life more pointed — they are an intruder, they are violating your emotional restraining order and reminding you you cannot escape them." 
— Chelsea Fagan, How Do You Move On?

All the classes I've been teaching are slowly murdering me.

Gotta take a breather man.

And I can't believe Mustafa would be the place I have my retreat at.

"It is three at night. I have something to say. You are so valuable. You shine out. You are a magic star. You are a body of blood made beautiful. How I admire, sit back and adore you. How thirsty I am for that. How you feed me." 
— Anne Sexton, from a letter to Lois Ames dated 11 January 1969



The pain of the night has become an ache.

I think about it all the time. It's an incident that's at the back of my head that occasional rears itself. I think about everything I put you through and I have no more negativity, only sad love for you.

There is an pain that doesn't go away. It starts acute then ebbs into a steady ache. I feel it in my heart and in my blood. It's painful and it's okay, because you went through more than this for me.

I must remember your happiness and leave you be.

x







How lucky I am to have a colleague as fanatically weird as me.

Can't wait to see her face everyday for the next 2 days before we part forever till a common event :( I hate all these one-time friends, please let our paths cross more often and longer!

Today I had an incident at little india road which has made me abhor all the indians in the immediate vicnity and I have said "what the fuck la" at least 6 times to 6 different dudes. I am also on my last raw nerve of snapping and shredding them. One more violation, just one more, and I'll really crack.

Must fucking stay by my booth till I die.

Today was a boxing event at MBS.

Pretty much spent the whole day hyped up and nonsensical with Ivan, Eunice, Ignasia and Sandra. They are the most fun-loving bunch of people ever heh heh, please let me have them for all events here on!











Was really excited about the ringside passes we took but as it turns out, it's nothing we dared to go into. Damn remember to bring spare clothes next time Nicole. But we had unlimited food and drinks so it's close enough.

I was ushering at the entrance and I saw the boxers come in in convoys - the Thais, the Mongolians, the Malaysians, the Indonesians. All of them looked stunning and unbothered, how absolutely boxer-like.

There was a final convoy of the boxing models and god they're all hideous but man do they have bodies of goddesses. I met one hardcore fan and he was explaining the big names to me. How exciting an event this was.

Finally got to go in and see the match with Eunice, Sandra and Ignasia. We watched a match between Malaysia and the Thai and we oohed and aahed at the bloodshed. The ring is really no place for the weak.

I cannot thank MBS enough for all these opportunities man.

I wish I could care less, but I do:

"Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again." 
 — Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Met up with the girls after a class at MCYS!















Finally met up with them after deciding no work is more important.

Things happened midway and I'm pretty sure at some point my two best friends tried to murder each other but after all that violence, it was somewhat resolved and we went home on a light note!

My darling finally came over heh.














Spammed polaroids and we were having a royal fight deciding who gets to keep this one. I love it because I look cute of course and she tried to snatch it and rub it against her butt thinking it'll deter me but HA socially and hygienically shameless me did not give a shit and now it's mine!

A very happy day, so glad I gave up work.

Today was a tiring day of rushing and rushing and rushing and god being a mystery shopper is so much tougher than I thought it'd be. No photos of anywhere since everything is so crazily confidential.

But anyway,
I have a very bad addiction.

I am addicted to everything bad and disastrous for me. It doesn't matter who try to come into my life and what their intentions are, I will shut them off the minute I feel that they're good and I'm not.

I know I will ruin them so I'd rather just avoid them like the plague. I have been in desperate recluse from most of my guy pursuers/ friends after being convinced of what and who I finally want.

In my life I probably have rejected plenty of people who went on to recover badly from me, who never understood the things I did and the way I am. But after the hate and hurt, it's still an unforgettable window of blissful time burned into their skin. And I guess that's what worsens themselves, never me.

So anyway, my family was talking about signatures and I remembered a signature analysis a friend did for me some years back. I haven't re-read it yet, so I'm going to paste it here now:

You have very negative outlook in life, and generally think life sucks; something which is not been very well for you. However, there is something good in you, and also some hope.

You need to find something that makes you feel positive in life; your partner must try to find it for you. Maybe, he can help to influence you in you in your hobby or something you are good in, and your outlook in life will change.

You are not very good in money.

Very strong and private things have happened and you don’t share much about your personal life. You are very quiet and whatever you are portraying may not be your true self.

You have some career-mindedness and you want to prove that you can succeed. You should think more positively in your smaller successes in life. Your partner should come in to help you and then you probably can turn around.

You are careful with words. However, you can also be very rash, such that you say things you don’t mean and even slam the phone. You have a bit of temper. You are stubborn, but not very extreme. Stubborn can be good, such that people can’t influence you easily.

There are some uncertainties in you and you are lack of confidence. You are indecisive.

Career – You don’t know what you want to do yet. However, try not to do something that has to do with confidentiality such as financial or Human Resource (HR).

Analyzed on 02 November, 2009.

Firstly, happy 3 years of still mourning after me. Can't believe even after all these time, your recent mention of me is barely a week ago. Have you learnt nothing since I left? Still stuck in your ways.

But nonetheless.

Yeah man I still cannot keep secrets. I can bring the secrets of the ones I love down to my grave but if I do not care for you then oh. I am still indesicive in matters of the heart but have since been cruelly quick on anything else besides.

My confidence falters and rises on bad and good days respectively, it's either a day trying to kill myself for being so imperfect or a day with the wind in my hair. Yes I am rash still. And yes I am still stubborn, how absolutely right on it is.

I am still not thankful for my smaller success and am hungry for more. Hopefully my future partner indeed proves helpful. Even stronger, more private things have since passed but I'm still surviving without too much broadcasting so I guess, same old same old.

What is this I am good with money alright. I still don't think I'm particularly good at anything so yes, my partner needs to come in. And I don't have a negative outlook on life. I just view it apathetically -- as a joke sometimes to humor myself, as a tragedy when it hurts, and as a blessing when all else fails. It's nothing solid.

Of late the words of a wise friend have been stuck in my head,
"I believe that a person should, at any one time, always be a little intoxicated."

Maybe I need that life again.

Today was school and I love the new girls!

I have no idea what are their names and they probably don't know mine, but the 4 of us get along really well and we may have accidentally ostracized a couple working with us but ah, lovers are lovers!

I really talk to them about anything and everything. One of them was engaged so I kept saying if there's a hot malay, she should throw it off and scream "IF YOU LIKE IT THEN PUT A RING ON IT" >:( Also I must have discussed my sexual habits for a bit without shame and them, without judgement. Awww the darlings.



Left to rush for an art interview shortly after and I am now earning $30/h say whaaaat. I am bragging this to everyone I know and they're all "wtf? you can teach art meh?!" Yes I can, I am now an art specialist ok.

The strange ways life works.

Day 2 of Unilever shower girl duty!









I made friends with an auntie I saw her while walking around! What a cute auntie heh. She talked about her daughter who sounds exactly like me but an older version. Poor auntie is all alone at her counter. Shall visit her more.

Haslinda and I took a bet that nobody would come down today to check on us and it came through, so we were basically extra excited shouting sales or gossiping or bitching or discussing plastic surgery alternatives or doing whatever girls do when we are paid to basically look pretty.

Also, the Revlon picture stream, I know it's Emma Stone, Halle Berry, but who's the last chick? It is killing me to look at her for the past 2 days and have no wonder what her name is. Is it Angelina Jolie? But she looks so young.

I was telling her about my event job at a boxing event on Friday (THANK YOU ZAC) and how achingly eager I am and she suddenly found a boxing glove left unattended on the structure. WOAH COINCIDENCE REALLY?

Plus the boxing glove was old since the words have almost all faded off so it can't be anything purchase-able from the store. She suggested that it could be a love-letter of sorts from my future boxer lover hahah.

Funky day, can't wait for next weekend :)

Today was day 1 at Mustafa as Unilever's shower girls.



This was the initial look but it didn't work out so I improvised!



Good enough.

Went to join my colleague who I thought was quiet and boring at first. She turned out to be an absolute joy and reminds me of a malay htate heh. They'll love each other next week.









Happy Pears shower girls!

Ended work very happily and I am mega glad I didn't bail like I intended to. Our in-charge gave us a ride and Haslinda was on the phone with her boyfriend the whole time awww now I miss being in love.