To 19 year old Nicole,

Did you expect the life you have today?

2012 was a bad year for us. It was a mess of bad decisions and misplaced priorities. We lost many people and never thought we can one day get on our feet again. If I had to choose, I would say 2012 was a life-changing year for both of us, don't you think?

It was the year you lost your best friend, your closest childhood friend and a man you once thought the world of. It was the year you realize some decisions can never be truly reversed and that not every effort returns results.

2012 was a year of darkness and pain and frankly, from the way I saw it, I truly believed that I would never be happy again, that I will never amount to anything worthwhile.

And yet here we are, 2 years on.



You finally got the job you dreamed of since you were 6- to write for a newspaper. As if that's not already the silver lining on your every cloud, you are also the web content editor, a position you envied in your old happy days at TheSmartLocal.

Work wise, it worked out beautifully, didn't it? You are writing for a living and loving what you do. In fact, this is a Saturday and you are still browsing Weekender, wondering how else you can try to boost its readership.

But everything else.. I don't know.

I am scared to read I wrote this for you any further. I am reading "on love" and I have become so cynical that every line in it makes me want to throw up. I headed over to "on loss" and suddenly everything is top notch and heartachingly perfect again.

What a funny world it is.

Took me long enough to realize that holy shit my cousin is queen of photography.

The key to not being sad hearing a song is not listening too closely to the lyrics.
The key to not being sad writing a poem is not reading too in-between the lines.
The key to not being sad reminiscing a memory is not thinking past the parts that matter.

Since you left, I have listened to music with my mind occupied and I have read poems with my heart elsewhere and I have thought of you while doing Maths.

Last week I made a conscious decision and effort. I told myself I'll go swim, and I surprisingly managed to get there. I tread with my toes lightly into the water. The chill crawled up my legs slowly, dying to enter my spine. And I stepped out immediately as if I've been scalded by fire.

It is funny, isn't it? 

I wanted to tell you this is an analogy - an analogy of how I never do anything too intently now because everything is you.

And yet all I could think of is;

Had I submerged myself, I would finally be able to hear everything and see nothing.
Had I submerged myself, my mind would have went into a helpless limbo, a limbo where thoughts of you finally manage to crush past the locked door to my conscious begging to be released.

Had I submerged myself,
I would have never wanted to resurface again.

There is something ridiculously terrifying about "new post".

I had so much to say but now it's all up in smokes.

Life has the strangest way of working itself out.

When I rejected DBS, I thought it was the end of it for me. But immediately the next day, I got an email for an interview. And in a flurry of movement, I started working at Weekender Singapore as their writer and social media developer. Talk about luck.

These days have been excessive, sketchy plannings of projects to take on ahead and while none have materialized, I have mainly decided to start on a series of photographs and writings first.

Hopefully the goddamn card mounts so I can start a preview here.

On DBS and opportunities

It is 11:38am.

At 2pm, I have the opportunity to sign an offer with DBS Bank Asia. I could have been earning $2500 a month before I turn 21. I could have had my 26 days unpaid leave, my medical benefits, my transport allowance, my year end bonus, my chance of promotion within DBS in 2 years.

This opportunity will not come again. I have spent the past 2 months since graduation moping around at home while I fire out resumes after resumes and attended interviews after interviews. The idea of another interview nauseates me.

But the idea of working 9-5 and working shifts and hours at a job I know I'll hate nauseates me more.

It is 11:41am.

I am remembering how I felt when I stepped into DBS's HQ at changi. The 1.5 journey pissed me off to no end but I arrived eager and wide-eyed. I watched the DBS tv for 45 minutes. I saw the working folks walk into the building in their immaculate suits. I heard their deep conversations. I wanted in.

But I can't do it.

It is 11:43am.

I closed JobStreet and opened SGcares instead. I am thinking of volunteering to keep my sanity while I continue to look for jobs and source for internships. I am wondering of the days ahead of money issues and how to get more in the shortest time frame possible. I can still change my mind. DBS is only a half hour cab away.

A 9-5 job awaits me with a promise that fresh graduates only dream of. A job of unparalleled employee benefits calls me. A job that I could maybe try out till the end of this year is at the other end of Singapore holding a contract with my name on it. I could've earned more than 10k by the end of this year despite joining only in August.

But I want to write. I want to take photos and I want to write and I want people to read my writings deep into the night and think: wow thank god for her inspiring me. If not I would've never gotten out of my shithole.

I want to write for magazines and I want to write for newspapers and I want to write my own book and I want to write poetry and I want to write and write till I die.

I've always been a dreamer and I've always disappointed myself no matter what I do. I am 21 and my life still hasn't gotten itself together. I have been presented with the best possible monetary opportunity to get my shit together. And I am letting it go.

This will not be another disappointment. I will not regret being a dreamer. I will find my way through Singapore's sordid mess of being unhappy all the fucking time and I will find my way. I will not allow myself to be unhappy anymore.









I am chasing my dreams.