God is good and god is great and I am now sentenced probation.

Finally, for a 3 fucking year case.



He was supposed to come but bailed SIGH.

But anyhoo, to celebrate, it was zouk! This is my 3rd straight night clubbing and I think it's very safe to say that I never had a more fucking awesome time than tonight. I love my friends god I do, they really do make every single thing better.

Went with tony, swee, kris, jessie, songyan, jingkai, kristina, 3 of her friends. Jaichyi, shuwei, jervis and I were late so we caught up shortly after and thank god to sw and jc specifically for helping me in my 18cm heels over everywhere.

Went to drink with the 3 after seeing arielle was in good hands and hahah I make a good listener and sharer when I'm drunk. I cannot clearly remember how but I somehow reached zouk and it was just blur blur blur dance dance dance and a fight my friends got into and I was lost and found again!

Outside to chill for a bit and by this time I've lost yuanfeng to a fight and arielle to phuture's crowd and sherlyn to velvet. The rest didn't want to go anymore so tony, jingkai, swee and I went back in and I think that was the part of the night where it was so fucking good I could weep.

A club really needs great music to satisfy their drunkards and the high. And I've been listening to such shitty club tracks from such under-performing clubs that when Phuture and its classic tracks and new poison came in, I was ready to be on my knees thanking my clubbing gods.

I love my friends and Phuture, thank you for a damned good night.

"In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe."

— Jeffrey McDaniel, The Quiet World

x

Thursday was rebelll.



Was with edward, tristal and sherlyn and I got very fucking high early and we went to chill at some condo's skypark before going back to rebel and I met new friends and everything was really not bad. I wish I was royally drunk the whole night but alas it wore off early.

I am never going to Thursday's again.

Tequila is my fucking oxygen

I think I surprised everyone with how fucking sober I was. Everything I drank that night was so smooth. The barcadi the vodka the johnnie walker. Nothing had the kick of my usual tequila. God this is bad.

Oh well so anyway, went to st james first with tristal, sherlyn and whatshisname. Had a good time with our drinks, we had like 15 free. Claimed 11 and just sat around with awkward truths and horrific dares enough to get us thrown out hahah. St james is really going downhill man.

Cabbed over to zirca to meet tengyi, aaron and his 4 drunk friends and arielle. Night went pretty smoothly. Was insanely sober and holding up the drunktards and it got better in the end thanks to rebel.

GOD FUCKING BLESS REBEL. Which clubs plays memories and cinema and thanks for the memories and the one that got away and all my fucking sob songs? Rebel. I LOVE YOU. I wish I had some tequila.





It was a good good nighttt.

I FINALLY HAD BK BREAKFAST TODAY!

Went to bring my grandma and sister to bukit batok and we had the burger king breakfast FINALLY OH MY GOD IT'S MICHELIN IN MY MOUTH.

My grandma is really cute. She insisted on buying anything we fancied and couldn't be bothered to look twice at the price tag. I was fussing over cute stuff (DO NOT JUDGE ME) and she kept saying buy buy buy xiaojie gei wo liang ge xie xie. Heh heh my grandma xian qian duo ah.





So now me and my sister are the owners of a cute pair of socks heh heh.

I have an extra pair of floral bootes because my feet size is freakishly small and bata kids was having a clearance sale. Apparently I wear a kids' size 13. If my feet got any smaller it'd just disappear hahah.

I think I went midnight kbox with benjamin after. I realize how matter how fucking much I hate tequila, I am addicted to it and it helps me function. Can't dance without tequila, can't sing without tequila, can't forget my fucking life without tequila. I should worship tequila.

Hello tequila, goodbye liver.

Today I went on a date with myself.



Went to see my lawyer and was in a really bad mood. Was going to go cry my nose out or something in his toilets but they were locked. So decided to go walk around instead and Chinatown has good views.

I love vintagey places. Like that colorful beary best! hotel hahah. How absolutely adorable. Also my tear therapy was rendered unnecessary after I saw this pushcart stall with a lot of exquisitely handmade accessories. Retail therapy is good.

Went to have dinner by myself and a long bus home by myself.

sidenote: I have spent close to $500 in the past 2 weeks on just clubbing and it's getting fucking scary. So maybe this probation is good news. Gives my bank time to close its legs and recuperate for a while sigh.

It's a great pity that those who need to know me most will never read this.

1) I've been waking up lately hating myself

It's not too bad a thing.

I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling anything. I hate myself for all the alcohol I've been punishing this useless body with. I now understand the alcoholics of the world. I hate it, I hate this Satan's bar brewed special but god what I wouldn't do for a shot every Wednesday night. Love-hate at it's best.

I asked a friend when's the last time he woke up hating himself, and he said it was during his break up days, and he'll never want to go through that again. And I guess that's something I'll never understand.

A love affair that was worth everything you have and everything you'll ever have, is a love that's going to be worth all the after-misery in the world. I'll willingly wake up weeping desperate and feeling like absolute shit for 2 years for another 1 year of uncontrollable love with someone I've loved and lost.

Actually come to think about it, I'll probably go to any length, through any pain to relive my perfect relationship once again. God help me, I really still think I'm capable of love.

2) My best epiphanies are at the back of a cab

Or a club, depends.

I was in a cab to serangoon when I realized with searing clarity that I no longer loved a man who was once my universe. That when the image of him comes up unbridled in my head, all that was conjured up was "does he feel this same hollow indifference when he sees me now?"

How strange life works. 2 years ago, I was loved by the most broken and hardworking man I've ever known. 1 year ago, I was loved by the most giving and perfect man I've ever known. And I have managed to destroy the faith they both put in me for momentary, fake happiness. Fuck you Nicole.

I deserve this desperate dark pit of an abyss I have for a heart now.

3) My guy friends are (finally) commitment phobics

Thank god.

I've been so fucking scarred and scared by the seemingly ceaseless stream of guys who constantly try to push me into a relationship with them. This is a refreshing change, thank god for commitment issues.

4) My girl friends are too buzy for me :(

Hazel has clean disappeared off this world.

Syahirah is busy with exams and yinghui is busy settling into ntu and dory is busy settling into nus and siewsia has pulled a houdini so it was 2 weeks of endless partying with new friends and faces.

WHERE ARE YOU GIRLS.

5) I have a rapidly falling ego

Perhaps it was that fateful call yesterday, perhaps it was the night I spent after, god knows what it was. But my ego has been left in shambles and pieces. So I feel pretty small and useless right now. Sigh.

I thank god for my quickly dissipating feelings. I have a small window of time where I really try to care for a person and I will bail at the first sign of disappointment and thank god this sense is perfected. Leaves out all the egoistic, sour grapey fucks from my life and helps with the reconstruction of my destroyed ego.

6) I really like reading the weirdest things

In particular the 2000 economy crisis: how Ford started a buying then selling spree, where medicine powerhouses fell and new brands took their place, where bank gods where brought to their knees and where people had to give up sleep entirely to watch the stork market as if it's their oxygen.

What a bad time to be 7 years old. If I was 27 years old with enough good men and money, I could've made a fortune with the dotcom craze before it fused out with a firework-worthy bang. Oh well.

7) I should sleep hahah



So goodnight!

Today was a stay-home day!



This is Captain Ryan on one of our ship adventures!

Heh that besides, today was a stay-home day after getting my bad news and having the worst night of my life at helipad. But remembered the steamboat and rushed out midway after a small row with my family about my going out.

Didn't really have an appetite for dinner, was truly feeling miserable over something and I'm glad I'm over it. Everyone had already eaten so once again I ate like $2's worth of food and it was off to drink!

I get weary of giving everyone a disclaimer of how bad a drinker I am :(

So basically I got semi-drunk at the zouk bridge and spent most of the night not understanding any of their drinking games. Sharon is a really impressive drinker. Actually all of them are. Tony, kris, songyan, jaichyi, sharon and swee drink like their fathers. I drink like a nun god damn it (ha ha ha punny.)

Cabbed to xx's and threw up. Throwing up has this very, very beatific after-feeling. If there were 600 fucking buffalos charging 160km/h in a fog denser than Forrest Grump in my head before, throwing up will kill the stupid bulls, purify the air and leave a small flower in it's weeping perfect wake.

Had a great night and morning with xx (: