A chase for progress

Woke up at 6am just for this!

Sister has perfected her wheel to a perfect semi circle. She kept thinking me looking at it pisses me off but it honestly doesn't. The brilliant pride I feel for her is overwhelming. I tried to do a wheel after that and she adjusted me and I FINALLY BROKE THE ARM BARRIER! The above is pretty much the best I can do.

Well worth all the 6am alarms!

On things I love

In 2013, I dated one of 8 Days' shirtless models. 

It was an unofficial competition for the top 8 bachelors in Singapore. He was on the list because of his dashing good looks, looming height (all of 1.85m) and because he was one of the top students at NUS Engineering.

Side-note, I used to really adore tall men. Actually I still do but Gabriel has banned me from saying it. Progressively from Secondary 3 till up to I met Gabriel, the men I dated were always 1.7m, 1.75m, 1.8m, 1.85m. All the while I was shrinking from 1.46m to 1.45m. OH WELL WE WILL DATE WHAT WE CAN'T BE.

Anyway, for all that he could've been, he was ruined inside from a mother who spent the past 13 years till date not speaking to him after something he did as a child and a father that was never around. He was weak-willed and everything he did was prone to addiction. I saw myself in him.

Except without the great height and the shiny NUS degree but hey pretty close.

Because of his penchant for movies with haunting dialogues, we ended up watching Moonrise Kingdom one day. He paused the movie when he heard my dad coming and went to greet him. And as I watched him go, I realized I was doing the right things, but with the wrong man.

He made me miss my older man.

My older man was much like him. With eyes set to kill and a smile that could cut a small town's electricity, my older man was a visual masterpiece. He shared my current tastes in raging rock and devoured movies that made him think. He played in a band and was a freelance sound-man. I thought he was the single, most perfected piece of artifact I could ever own.

He was protective to a fault with me, guarding me zealously from all the pain the world tried to give me. He had a reservoir of love within him that he dedicated all to me, till one day, my lack of reciprocating finally snapped him and made him leave.

And so when I concluded things with NUS, I was happy I could be miserable in peace again over the man I lost. Despite everything that transpired, I was glad he was happier now without me. I should've woken up sooner. But I didn't. And it led to my own downfall.

I thought I'd be unhappy forever.

I wrote about dying daily.

Three years ago, today:

It is 3am
And the world is a lot smaller
You are an invisible wall away
Distance is a graspable matter

Some nights it feels like this
My heart aches and clutches at itself

Some nights it feels like this
I no longer need any help

Some nights it feels like this
Clawing at my stretched sanity

Some nights it feels like this
A numbness from now to eternity

I should do something
I should try everything
I should run with fear in my heart
Sink my fingers into your back
Tell you I've been torn apart

Oh this misery it consumes me
You ravage my mind like silk on sheets
What you do to me
A marksman with a perfected hit

But what do you know
You think I'm a lost cause
And what do I know
Perhaps I am a worthy loss

Tonight.

The heart is weak
And the mind is broken
Happy thoughts for you, sad days for me
Never truer have spoken

Hold on.

"I want to rip off your logic and make passionate sense to you. I want to ride in the swing of your hips. My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks, blazing your limbs into parts of speech.

And you will be mine."

You think you're romantic

You think your misery will meet salvation
You think causing yourself this daily grief will get you somewhere
You think you can fight the universe

You disallow yourself to be happy
You push away people who can heal you
You root yourself to the ground not moving on

All these and more, what for Nicole

I would hate to lose you.





If you had told me then that I would eventually meet somebody that could push the man I lost out of my head and instead, hold his own in my ravaged mind and heart, I would've called you a lousy cunt and if I was as daily-drunk as I was back then, I might've tried to slap you.

If you had told me that one day, the man I love is not the tall Adonises I had but instead a short, stocky version of the aforementioned Greek god, I would've called you a lousy cunt again for trying to deter me in my pursuit to purify my gene pool, which I've ruined with my short woman genes.

If you had told me that one day I would be happy again, I would've smiled sadly and said I forgot what that felt, and I might try to convince you to buy some of the guilt and misery I've been carrying around everyday at that point.

If you had told me that one day, the consistent Constantine name I gave all my other-half Sims 2 lover in all the families I created since 2010 (after reading Sidney Sheldon's Memories of Midnight) would finally come to me, wrapped in a sailor's ribbon, I would've curled my lip in curiosity.

I would ask you more about him.

I would ask you what he loves and how he loves.

I would ask you what makes him laugh and what makes him cry.

And you could smile and say, "You."

Review: Evolution Fitness

One of my greatest finds on KFit — Evolution Fitness!

I love being aerial and I lamented the fact that most swing yoga studios are in the east. One is at Eunos and the other is at Kallang. You can understand how I almost lost it when I found out this opening in Choa Chu Kang. WHAT A SCORE.

I went for the first session alone and I enjoyed it so fucking much I had to bring my sister to the next one. Terrifying as it was, she managed to do it and look at her first inversion! This is after 10 minutes straight of screaming. So entertaining.

The instructors for this class are ridiculously funny too. They're this middle age, unrelated couple and they always looked amused with each other. One of them prompted a "Plants vs Zombies" exercise. My sister made "boom!" sounds as she twisted me in my hammock around at other practitioners.

I think what I enjoy the most in this class is the hammocks hahah. Most of the tricks they teach are not new to me but I LOVE AERIAL SILKS SO MUCH that I end up going up a notch to other poses and the instructor would happily let me.

The gates were all locked by the time the class finished and I kept screaming at my sister to just climb the bloody fence and SHE DID! WOOT WOOT I am commander material.

Our pre-engagement

Back in Dec 14 - Jan 2015 when me and Gabriel were dating, I was reluctant to call him my boyfriend. At that time, I just got out of a year-long relationship (that is monumentally long for me ok) and was seeing a few people.

It took a week of hearing his voice every night before I slept and two dates after meeting him in person for me to jump on hi, and even then, I knew he was going to be special for a long time.

I feel you judging me. My relationships are a whirlwind, I can't help it. Gabriel's chocolate skin and booming, deep voice really tugged at my heartstrings/ hymen so it was my body against my mind and I am a weak, weak soul.

Still, I still wanted to be free to date and so I would call him my "pre-boyfriend". 

The first time he heard it, he smiled and said he liked the ring of it. We continued being a pre-couple for a while as I sorted out through the men I was dating and he sorted out his psychotic fuckstick of an ex and eventually, we dropped the term and made it proper in Bintan on 14th Feb 2015.







Fast forward a year later, we are in Bintan again.

And like I gushed in the previous post, he got on one knee and proposed to me. Coincidentally, earlier that day we had a complimentary photoshoot courtesy of the resort and so we ended up having digital and print copies of our special day. Man the universe worked out!

But what I'm trying to say is,

Today, I woke up a pre-engaged woman.

And it feels the same but different. I feel like the world is a little brighter and my days have a little more meaning. I worry a little that my life is settling too fast but at the same time, I can't wait for it to happen.

Today is the first day of the rest of my pre-engaged life :)

Day 2: 2 Days in Bintan for SGD$100

Woke up way too early and tried to wake baby up but failed. Told myself to not clean the room but I broke and cleaned it spotlessly. Goddammit this useful hobby is out of control.

Also my hobby: taking butt-whoring photos.



























Wow my thighs are getting fucking thick. I should stop eating.

Anyway, I finally managed to wake Gabriel up after a blow so now I know what works when I need it most!

We headed down to our free hotel buffet at Kopi-O and my experience tells me Groupon resort buffets are mostly a joke but this one was a spectacular spread. It was almost worth every other meal we paid just so we can try the buffet breakfast here.

There were an assortment of breakfasts that catered to everyone's tastes, from Chinese dishes to Western cuisine. What made me the happiest was that they dispensed Lurpak butter for their toast and pancakes. What a generous place!

I loaded up on German sausages, nasi briyani (my Asian heritage demands no less), pancakes, danish tarts, ikan bilis, peanuts, beef bacon and juices. It was the first time I finished my plate and asked for seconds and thirds. Gabriel was so proud of me.

Full and satisfied, we headed to the photographer for our prints. We had to wait so we chilled for a bit.





















In the end, Gabriel didn't like that many of them because of his jutting out belly. Still, he was willing to churn out SGD$100 for the full set of digitals but in the end, I chose only 3.

We passed by a convenience store and I wanted to buy stuff but we had no money left so I kept going, "Dun dun dun! The plot thickens," and Gabriel thought it was funny and imagined how it would be like if I said it in bed. And I was unimpressed.

We headed back to our room for the best love we've had in a month, which left me with weak knees as I went to the bathtub to join Gabriel for a soak. The man's relentless! Such skill and force. I could write poets about his weapon. Maybe I should.

After that, I fell asleep on the bed. He tucked me in nicely and made sure I was all snuggled before heading out to smoke. And he did a fantastic job because after that, I fell asleep and had to be grumpily woke up to check out.

It was 12pm when we checked out and we had 5 hours to kill till our ferry. I wanted to die.

We were so bored we decided to go for more darts and a quick round of smoothies. I was owning his ass at it before I got restless and gave it up to watch Code Geass while enjoying my smoothie. He continued playing for both of us.





So adorably my darling man.



Him kicking ass at darts.





Our final meal of the day.

He kept making me watch Code Geass and I know like a loyal girlfriend, I should, but it was so God-awfully slow that I lost my temper a little here and stormed off to the seats. My poor boyfriend paid the bill then hurried to me :(

















Love of my life.

I tried sleeping in various positions but it was so bloody uncomfortable that I woke up each time, more irritated than the last. I eventually decided to stay awake and annoy Gabriel till the shuttle arrived to take us to the terminal.

I think, the thing about Gabriel is that he likes to have the final decision. As such, he doesn't think twice before enforcing common decisions on me. For example, we have to sit here on the bus or there on the ferry. Non-negotiable. Which is fine I guess, I have to get used to it.

He made me comfortable on the bus and I laid on him to sleep. He kept adjusting my head upwards to my annoyance and when I finally woke up, he explained it was because my head kept slipping off and he had to stay awake to keep my head up so I wouldn't fall off his shoulder.

I am the luckiest girl :')

When we reached the terminal, I tried to ask if anyone's seen my pi and the counter people were kind but confused as to where I was seated. Gabriel then came over and drew them a sketch on where we sat. And I appreciated it so, so badly.

Throughout the wait for the ferry to Singapore, I was grumpy and sad about the loss of my pi. He tolerated me with great love and kept pacifying me no matter what mean things I did or said to him. How did I get so lucky?

We got on the ferry and he fell asleep after one episode of Friends. I would fall asleep too but the ferry reached Singapore so lightning fast that I didn't have time to process my slumber. It was a rush after that - ferry, bus then to train.

We headed off to different directions after that. I kept making crying noises about how he's leaving me to go home alone and he kept comforting me saying he'll be back.

I reached home in time for my yusheng!!!

My family actually sat together this year to eat it together after lao-ing, watching Hotel Transylvania as we forced the salmon down haha. I bugged them to use my projector to watch movies but my mum kept insisting she wants to watch Xun Long Ji only. So stubborn.

Gabriel came over a while later and we watched Predestination along with my sister. He fell asleep halfway while my sister and I got our mind fucked by the movie.

When it ended, my sister incredulously went, "Who would watch this in a movie theater?!" and he piped up, "Me lor," SO ADORABLE! He went on to say how he went with a guy friend and they both went what the fuck after the whole movie.

I didn't get it till like minutes later after he explained. I would've understood more but he dropped dead asleep after that :(