Happy Chinese New Year

This is my second Chinese New Year with Gabriel.








































And it's a wonderful one so far.

I felt neglected most parts of the day but he can't be to blame. We shuttled from house to house and he was focused on being the energy of the party that he had little left for me. Conversely, I got increasingly tired throughout the day and ended up dozing off on his grandma's couch.

We went home together and I pouted over how unloved I've been feeling the whole day and he tried to help but by then, I was too weary to be much more bothered and fell asleep. I wish I could say this day had a happy ending.

Well technically it did, but it was short-lived and caused me to fall right asleep after so I guess it was just an emotionally unhappy ending.

Chinese New Year's eve

Told the boyfriend that I needed him in the wee hours of the morning and he came through, albeit only 5 hours later after the lan shop he was at closed (I am dating a man-child) and I was sleeping anyway so moving on.

We talked about our issues and he got to the root of all my insecurities and tried to uproot it. I guess I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I allowed it to be weeded out and sent to die. And it's still too early to know if my heart's okay but as long as he stays, my skies will continue to glow.

Also I had a really nice dinner tonight with my family :)

Word of the week

This week is fear.

This week is fear encapsulated in a word because I know the demise of our relationship is coming. I know our impromptu trip to Bintan is not going to save us. I know we're doomed. You won't even hear me out, so here's why:

This week, my love for you finally showed signs of wear.

Instead of getting stronger and stronger, it's getting weaker and weaker. And you and I can deceive each other and pretend we can work on it, but it's not going to. It's too late.

All my posts have taken a dreary tone since your bullshit on Thursday night, where you chose to attend a common gathering over celebrating our 1st year. You talk shit about your cousin's boyfriend who didn't celebrate her birthday with her, and how you think he won't last.

What do you think of yourself then?

Do you see yourself as not just unromantic, but also as innately worthless and an impotent relationship investment, as I did at that point?

My mum knows it. She heard enough of it. She's told me to leave you or I'll keep suffering like this. And she's never wrong.

I don't see a future anymore.

Just a blazing end.

Though times are tough

The past two days have shaken my faith in our relationship.

And today, for the first time, I woke up by your side today not feeling like I belong. For the first time, I feel as if this is the wrong set of arms to be in, because you have hurt me and I can't be in my most vulnerable state with you anymore. But because there's still love, I will fight to stay.

Maybe the day will come when I don't love you anymore, or when I can't love you anymore, especially with the violent eruptions and escapist mindset I now know you to have.

Maybe I'll find strength one day.

On my fami-lee

Of all the things I am thankful for in my life, there is none more deserving than my family and Gabriel.

Right now it doesn't seem like it because I've finally gotten my shit together, but a few years ago, I was a wreck. I was a rough train going at nuclear speed trying to find a collision worthy of my death. And I sought it in so many ways. I dated shit men and tried to kill myself over them. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy at the hands of a man who escaped the law. I did terrible things to supplement my income. I was a horrible, horrible person.

And I can't believe my family saw me through all that. I can't believe they were willing to rake up the astronomical fees needed for my lawyer. I can't believe my sister continued to pack my desk when I first left home to try to kill myself. I can't believe my brother called me his old sister through it all. I can't believe my grandma cleaned me up through my bile and held my shaking body till the paramedics came to her place to get me.

I couldn't believe any of it, because I would've given up on myself. But God mercy, they did. My entire family and relatives came together to pull me out of my schtick.

Now, I am stable. 

I go batshit crazy when Gabriel and I fight, but I no longer make any of the old mistakes I used to. Everything that I did before has led to today, where I have finally learnt the value of being a good human being and not being society's scum.

I love my family in a very strange way.

The way I love is love, with a tinge of guilt. I could stop and think about an old memory, of my 5 year old sister buying my 20 cents drawings with her pocket money and I'll weep. I could stop and remember how my grandma cleaning up my mess willingly when I angrily overturned a bowl of noodles she made after she saw me cry. I could stop and remember how my dad told me to not kill myself because our family is a fist, and losing any of us would mean we're broken and no longer strong. I could stop and remember how my mum came into my room when I was crying and just sat with me not saying a thing. I could remember my baby brother always coming to lie by me when I was crying.

But I don't love them out of guilt.

I love them because of the way they love, and I love them simply because I do. 

The guilt just comes often because all the pain I went through has made me invulnerable to everything that cut me before, and ironically, reopened the deepest recesses of my heart for my family.

At the beginning of our relationship, Gabriel mentioned one of the first things he realized about me was how filial I was. I visited my grandma weekly even though she was an hour away, and I would always have new anecdotes about her to share with him. I would rush home for family celebrations no matter how busy or what plans I have to give up. I would always pipe up about how my family would enjoy this or that whenever I was eating something nice or doing something fun.

I don't exactly have an answer for why I'm doing this post.

I guess I'm just counting my blessings.

Do it for them

If nothing else, do it for them.

If nothing else, do it for the people you love with all your hearts who want you to pursue your dreams, but need you to pursue a career because they'll never dare tell you what they need, for fear of holding you back.

If nothing else, take solace in the fact that everyone has to pay their dues and that the things you're struggling with, are the things you choose to struggle in, because you believe that what you want to accomplish is worth struggling for.

If nothing else, believe that the fearless are made so only by conquering challenge after challenge, no matter how mind-numbing dull and crushing they are.

If nothing else, strive because you are the product of your worth and that if you can't succeed, it is simply your inability and not your circumstances.

If nothing else, have faith that your sideline career writing for travel blogs and education seminars will push you to do more and be more, so much so that one day, you get a head-start on what you truly want.

If nothing else, know that in the end, everything you do is to give the people you love the life they deserve.



For everything else, there's still them.

Editor's note

Yes I am cringing at my poor edit but it happened to be the wallpaper of my laptop at that point and despite everything cynical in me that comes out to play when Gabriel antagonizes me, I truly do believe love is the cure to everything.

This is official my second day and after yesterday's shit battle with a Mac OS, I can now safely say that I will spit on all of Apple's products, except the iPhone. And the iPad Air too. Maybe the mini Macbook as well. What was I talking about again?

Looking forward to the publication of this upcoming issue because it'll be the first time I get to sign a fancy signature and write an Editor's Note on the first page of the issue!

Back to work.