The dead needs us to remember them

I tried explaining why I wasn't happy

I am content being unhappy

I am happy being unhappy

Being unhappy means I still remembver how to feel
Being unhappy is the sole link I have left to my past

And if I let go of my past
Who is going to remember it

(ni.)

Driving a dream

My sister is going slowly berserk with excitement over the idea of owning a car license and it is starting to infect me. But we want the license for two starkly different purposes.

She wants it for the purpose of driving around with her homies and all.

I want it for a variety of reasons.

It starts with me being able to go on long drives on dinosaur-powered magic from Singapore to Bedok just so I can have ba chor mee. Okay who am I kidding, I'm really thinking about Timbre when I wrote this.

It starts with me being able to play all my favourite songs in my car and break my neck jamming to them as I whip ma hair back and forth and threaten the safety of fellow road users when the chorus of Daisy from Brand New plays.

If you happen to be affiliated with BBDC and you are stumbling upon this, please note that I am actually a meticulous darling. I arrange my wardrobe in segments of color, and in the color segment they would be arranged by sleeve length, and in the sleeve length segment they would be arranged by apparel length.

So yes jesus christ I will be meticulous as shit when I drive k.

(sidenote: holy fuck it is 2.20am and it sounds like someone is outside my door trying to steal my shoes. COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SIZE 3 FEET ASSHOLES. YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS OF STORE STOCKING SIZE 3 SHOES AT THE DOOR THANK YOU)

Whooosh I'm a puff of wind. I am a wind carrier. I AM AN AVATAR. WINDBENDER.

To carry on.

It starts with me being able to drive out my grandma because whenever we go out, I know she wants to buy certain things but my aunt will discourage her to because she has so many of it already. And I know my place as a filial, respectful (unnecessary info) niece means I should keep quiet.

And I know my place as a sexy redhead (also unnecessary info) salaried adult means I can bring my grandma back to these places (if I drive I'd be able to surprise her without giving her the end location) and buy whatever she wanted to buy, one in every color!

Woohoo! And then I can send her home heh heh. Life goals!

And it ends with being able to drive to meet everyone I ever wanted to meet who is lazy or is dotaing at home or doing some other crap less interesting than going out for a drink with me.

Although the drinking sort of kills the driving bit.

Dammit I need better thought out posts.

A medley of colors

red is the color of your passion
hungry, fiery and indomitable

blue is the color of your voice
calm, assuring and reassuring

yellow is the color of your smile
putting every sun in the universe to shame

but then you left, taking my colors with you
and now

all I am left with

is

(ni.l)

I kept alcohol at bay for a while

because I was convinced

that life is clearer

without a glass

but then it started

at my first buzz I remembered everything

the high before a fall

the temporary ecstasy worth it all

like a dam ravaged by the ghost of a storm

I fell in wild desperation

the answers to all of life's problems

is not beyond the glass

but at the bottom of it instead

(ni.l)

the new year is a scam

you wake up the same, you breathe the same

you do your usuals and eat your usuals

what good is a new year

when time is but a man made measurement?

I suppose the silver lining is that with a new year

comes a false facade of hope

and you know what they say;

the more you believe a lie

the faster is becomes

a truth

(ni.l)

2014 has come to an end.

As usual I am a big fan of summing things up in one word because I can be super long-winded unnecessarily so if I had to describe the year in a word, it would have to be:

Incredible.

Yes in hindsight, my miseries were pretty small after all! I guess that is what happens when you look at a galaxy after months of scrutinizing stars. But in any case, my resolutions for the new year are a secret.



They are such a secret that I don't even know them myself.

If it succeeds, I shall wear it like a flag and slap it into anyone's face who cares and if it fails, it dies with me. So at least I save myself the huge embarrassment. But then again this is my personal space so.

Also I am trying to write a poem every day. Okay I say every day but I'm probably not that dedicated. Will here's a airy promise - however my life falls apart in 2015, I promise to keep this tradition going.

Hopefully one day in 2025 where Man has conquered our easy extinction with Bane-inspired masks and featherweight oxygen tanks, I will be writing a novella far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

I pray that on that day.

I would be able to look to my poems.

And think this exact thought,

"Jesus Christ where did I get the courage to post these online fuck thankfully I am a rich and successful author and photographer and business owner and whatever the hell 2015 nicole wants me to be. Also my apartment is beautiful and I am finally marrying the (robot-programmable, only $99.90 a year!) man of my dreams!"

I have a lot on my mind.

It upsets me greatly to know that one day, all of my thoughts will die with me, never having seen the surface of this earth.

It upsets me greatly to know that one day, there is a chance that what comes after my death is oblivion and I will cringe and wallow in my regrets forever.

It upsets me greatly that one day, there will be nothing left of me but ashes, and I will be nothing but a speck of dust in this obsolete universe.

This universe constantly amazes and frustrates me.

I sleep better these days. Perhaps it is because I'm on my much-needed break, but I think it is because my mind is made up.

I dropped too many dreams. I gave up too many times. I can't let all my failures go to waste. Why fail when you don't intend to learn from it? I better not be a damned shame to myself.




Open letter to the gods up above:

What do you want from me?

What is the point of giving me something good, only to have it taken away from me?

I accept that I messed up along the way and landed myself in this shithole I call a life but I'm done fucked up now, why can't you be a little merciful and let me be happy again?

I mean, I'm not asking for much, am I? You would know - I am trying my hardest to be the best person I can be. I always try to let kindness triumph selfishness, no matter how poisonous my thoughts were at that point.

I am trying harder than ever to upkeep this facade of a content life.

But you and I know better, don't we?

A car could run me over right now and my biggest regret is not eating more Ben & Jerry's. Is that the kind of life I'm supposed to bear with for the rest of my life?

At 21 years old, I have been gifted with the most tumultuous life I have ever known. Whatever you threw to me, whatever I brewed for myself, I dragged through it and survived by the skin of my teeth at every turn.

There are nights of hell where I wake up from my nightmares wondering, "why me?"

You gave me my salvation once. I need it back.

Please.

It doesn't take much more to break me.

More than anything else, I need a sign. I need a sign to know that everything I am doing will lead me home. I need a sign to know that everything I am doing is toward a better future. I need a sign to know that I am not the hopeless fuck you first condemned me to when I turned 17.

Please.

It has been 4 years.

2015 is approaching so fast I can feel it on my tongue. You don't have to make it easy for me - we both know I'll end up taking the hard way anyway - but just give me a sign.

Tell me it will all get better.

Please.

Tell me my gray skies will slowly get dotted with pastel. Tell me the dreams I once thought impossible will come to me in shards and pieces. Tell me my life will slowly shine through the eye of this shitstorm again.

4 years.

4 long, torturous years.

Let me go.

Give me a sign.

Please.