Oh hey darling,





"Is this really happening? I swear I'll never be happy again"

Today was a very nice, reminiscent lunch. Then a movie that bought back all your silly habits I once found annoying. Then a happy stroll, something we never used to do. It's nice, you're still you.

For you, there's so much I had to learn. Of all that leaving you taught me, the most important was survival. In all my drunk-ness and desperation yesterday, I saw with absolute clarity what I always wanted.

6 long years, how can I stay away?

Tonight was zouk!

ft. Arielle, Leanne, Kiantat, Nicholas and Desmond.





Was drunk too soon but managed to struggle around to get more drinks.

I only just met 2 of the guys so it was a little quiet at first! Got much better after all the drinks and games hahah. Nice bonding with all of them. Also I realize I cannot club to trippy, new music. However, I still desperately wish the cab and mayday parade would grace zirca one day.

Tonight was the first time I semi-threw up outside a club and it felt so, so wonderful. I was in a state of mental mess and emotional shit-storm till I threw up. Then the genting-worthy fog in my head cleared and everything was crystal clear and mind-blowingly numb again.

And they still tried to talk me into a flaming lambo hahah hell. Good good night.

Intercontinental skylounge with my sister today

Was at the rockstar sale with kristian and my sister first but we decided to leave it and just head to bugis to buy something nice for bel hahah. Met up with his friend and his friend's girl and chilled at coffee bean waiting for my babyyy. She came after I left though so :(

Jon drove over later and gave me and my sister a ride home, dropped by holland v to see our future neighborhood and my sister was very high with spoilt lights and faulty traffic hahah SHE'LL MAKE SUCH A GOOD CLUBBER, WHY CAN'T SHE SEE.

Got home too early and headed for supper with benjamin and apparently kbox is $70 for 2 hours on weekend nights. What the fuck but nonetheless, we headed for the pool and my favourite chillout place. Of late I've been finding gems in Singapore.

Reached home and collaposed, hello comatose.

Afternoon date with hazel!

Bought stuff again that I may potentially never wear (sigh) and the whole day was hazel being pissed with herself for looking old and not being able to look good in some clothes. I'll never understand how a pretty mind works.

Tried to go home but NOOO STUPID WOMAN HAS NO STRENGTH TO OPEN A WATER BOTTLE, BUT ENOUGH STRENGTH TO DRAG 40KG LITERALLY FROM BUKIT PANJANG INTERCHANGE TO THE LRT STATION. SO MUCH FOR HER USUAL FRAILNESS!

No joke I was hugging every solid structure I see and slamming my foot into the concrete ground but the woman just pulled and pulled and openly scammed my way into the lrt then dragged me back home.

We ended up chilling at her place as I predicted (sigh.)





Her place is like my new haven now.

Apparently she has an aircon wtf I've been there half of my 19 yo life and I never realized all these time it was working, she's just too DAMN LAZY TO REACH UP AND TURN IT ON and only did so to prolong my visit to her house what a sly thing. She also has a radio and a good CD collection (approves.)

She grudgingly released me at 11pm hahah.

{ prologue: }

Yesterday afternoon.. was the first time me and my grandmother talked about my great-grandmother's death. She talked happily and surely and I heard her voice crack before she stopped. I said there's no longer any afternoon calls, because now she can talk to my her in her heart and they'll both hear it.

Even I know that's not true.

(I'm getting a very physical headache now.)

11:59: I composed a long tearful message to siewsia wishing her happy birthday. At this point the great emotional toll has taken, my thoughts became poisonous, thank god for junwei and hazel being there.

Why do I still try to invest in old friends when I already have my family and my current group of friends? I know I welcome too few people into my life permanently. I can in a moment burn the bridges behind me and of any guyfriend who tries and fails, but I can't do that to my old girlfriends.

Maybe I should. So when I think of our happy past, I won't remember all the times I tried reaching out only to have you piss on my efforts. But even saying this now, I know doubtlessly that if you all returned, I'll forget everything wrong you've done to me and ask you to stay longer this time a'round.

Maybe that's how I am. People I love, used to and now, can set fire to my legs and I'll just ask them to bring poker cards when they visit me handicapped in a hospital. What a depressing image but I've digressed.

All I need is my family and my 4am friends, everyone else can fuck off.

Self-study date for em3a.





Went downstairs my place and studied by myself.

Ended up doing a grand total of 2 questions and sending videos to hazel and she sent hers back to hahah we are so boliao. The happy birthday drawing is done by my artist of a brother. Is he talented or what! Polaroids are from taiwan, the resort we couldn't damning sleep at.

Anyway today I stayed up from 1am to 5am studying for em3a and I covered the whole syllabus in 4 short hours. Can you believe it. I could be passing one entire sem at a time in just one night, the same night I usually abuse to get wasted and dance away.

Oh well so deep and useless thoughts aside, I did finish everything and this was supposed to be for 15th's but THE EXAM WAS MOTHERF!!KING EASY! I could save america do my hair fix my shoes and still have too much time for the damned paper.

THANK YOU GODS OF ENGINEERING, PLEASE REPLAY AND REPEAT FOR MY PAPER ON FRIDAY THANK YOU SO MUCH I'LL BURN COMPONENTS AND SPARE LAPTOP PARTS FOR OFFERINGS.

Happy day thanks to my happy grade.

Today was supper with benjamin and belated wishes from alvin on his bike.



I do a million things to myself.

Of all, I let myself go through our photos, I let my mouse hover and I let the pain sink into me and I let the guilt wash over me and I feel like I've been asleep for the longest time and this pain has finally awoken me.

But at the same time, I feel like everything I've been living for thus far is the most numbing shit ever. And all I do is wait around for wednesdays and fridays where I can club all these disenchanting feelings away then depress myself to death at night what the fuck.

Need to find a purpose.

Today I am 19.

And this year, I celebrated it by being in a near comatose state for 8 hours thanks to last night hahaha, then woke up perfectly sober and excited to spend it with my family. Too little photos but t'was a good day :)





Went to gardens by the bay!

I had thought we'll see beautiful flowers and everything but it was just a big structure that look vaguely like a tree and a lot of mosquitoes and stairwells. My baby brother was being a little artist and sitting around drawing what he saw while my dad insisted he wanted to draw too hahah.

I was generally just looking at the views but there were really little of it. The place is quite dry. So I decided to bring all of them into the andy warhol thing and pray that they'll love it as much as I did! Not before my mum took photos of everything though.













The 2nd last excellent shot was my baby brother's! Picture perfect.

My dad found out about my thigh tattoo there so I braced myself for his shouting but thankfully it's my birthday so he resisted. SO YAY I CAN WEAR MY MINI SHORTS AT HOME AGAIN! JOY BE TO ME.

We temporarily digressed at a wishing well where we basically threw every last coin we had into it, each of us trying to aim for a pothole in the middle hahaha. I made my birthday wish with my candles and this and hopefully this double-up means it'll come true (fingers crossed!)







My family did not enjoy it (sigh.)

I noticed things I skipped past just yesterday and I was really having a good time reliving every portrait but my mum and dad were in a great rush so we didn't stay too long. Had a good dinner afterwards and went home with a bad headache but smiley nonetheless.

Thank you universe for a peaceful 19th, please hear my prayer :)