the new year is a scam

you wake up the same, you breathe the same

you do your usuals and eat your usuals

what good is a new year

when time is but a man made measurement?

I suppose the silver lining is that with a new year

comes a false facade of hope

and you know what they say;

the more you believe a lie

the faster is becomes

a truth

(ni.l)

2014 has come to an end.

As usual I am a big fan of summing things up in one word because I can be super long-winded unnecessarily so if I had to describe the year in a word, it would have to be:

Incredible.

Yes in hindsight, my miseries were pretty small after all! I guess that is what happens when you look at a galaxy after months of scrutinizing stars. But in any case, my resolutions for the new year are a secret.



They are such a secret that I don't even know them myself.

If it succeeds, I shall wear it like a flag and slap it into anyone's face who cares and if it fails, it dies with me. So at least I save myself the huge embarrassment. But then again this is my personal space so.

Also I am trying to write a poem every day. Okay I say every day but I'm probably not that dedicated. Will here's a airy promise - however my life falls apart in 2015, I promise to keep this tradition going.

Hopefully one day in 2025 where Man has conquered our easy extinction with Bane-inspired masks and featherweight oxygen tanks, I will be writing a novella far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

I pray that on that day.

I would be able to look to my poems.

And think this exact thought,

"Jesus Christ where did I get the courage to post these online fuck thankfully I am a rich and successful author and photographer and business owner and whatever the hell 2015 nicole wants me to be. Also my apartment is beautiful and I am finally marrying the (robot-programmable, only $99.90 a year!) man of my dreams!"

I have a lot on my mind.

It upsets me greatly to know that one day, all of my thoughts will die with me, never having seen the surface of this earth.

It upsets me greatly to know that one day, there is a chance that what comes after my death is oblivion and I will cringe and wallow in my regrets forever.

It upsets me greatly that one day, there will be nothing left of me but ashes, and I will be nothing but a speck of dust in this obsolete universe.

This universe constantly amazes and frustrates me.

I sleep better these days. Perhaps it is because I'm on my much-needed break, but I think it is because my mind is made up.

I dropped too many dreams. I gave up too many times. I can't let all my failures go to waste. Why fail when you don't intend to learn from it? I better not be a damned shame to myself.




Open letter to the gods up above:

What do you want from me?

What is the point of giving me something good, only to have it taken away from me?

I accept that I messed up along the way and landed myself in this shithole I call a life but I'm done fucked up now, why can't you be a little merciful and let me be happy again?

I mean, I'm not asking for much, am I? You would know - I am trying my hardest to be the best person I can be. I always try to let kindness triumph selfishness, no matter how poisonous my thoughts were at that point.

I am trying harder than ever to upkeep this facade of a content life.

But you and I know better, don't we?

A car could run me over right now and my biggest regret is not eating more Ben & Jerry's. Is that the kind of life I'm supposed to bear with for the rest of my life?

At 21 years old, I have been gifted with the most tumultuous life I have ever known. Whatever you threw to me, whatever I brewed for myself, I dragged through it and survived by the skin of my teeth at every turn.

There are nights of hell where I wake up from my nightmares wondering, "why me?"

You gave me my salvation once. I need it back.

Please.

It doesn't take much more to break me.

More than anything else, I need a sign. I need a sign to know that everything I am doing will lead me home. I need a sign to know that everything I am doing is toward a better future. I need a sign to know that I am not the hopeless fuck you first condemned me to when I turned 17.

Please.

It has been 4 years.

2015 is approaching so fast I can feel it on my tongue. You don't have to make it easy for me - we both know I'll end up taking the hard way anyway - but just give me a sign.

Tell me it will all get better.

Please.

Tell me my gray skies will slowly get dotted with pastel. Tell me the dreams I once thought impossible will come to me in shards and pieces. Tell me my life will slowly shine through the eye of this shitstorm again.

4 years.

4 long, torturous years.

Let me go.

Give me a sign.

Please.